40 Days, 40 Nights...

  40 days 40 nights...approximately....40 more days and then 40 more nights...THEN.  Then....then it will be time for them to go back to school!!!! If I didn't have 4 kids in back of me right now having a contest of who will Mom lose her mind on first, I would probably have a running count of the minutes and seconds as well...but who the hell can think of ANYTHING when all I want to  do is scoop  my own brain right outta my skull with a paring knife just to make the pain stop. I love my girls...I really, REALLY do...even if it doesn't come across here...I love them..I thank God they are mine and in my life and healthy and all that jazz....But there are days....ooohhh...there are days, that I just want to walk down to the local bar and down a pint of Jack Daniels and smoke a pack of Marlboro lights as a chaser (which, it's been a year since I quit smoking...today was the hardest to get through with out a cig!) then pass out in someone's bushes.   Better yet...here's what I'm gonna do...I'm gonna start walking after kids...anyone's kids, because it really doesn't matter much to me whose child it is cuz they're all pretty much guilty of the same shit...I'm gonna pick a kid and walk around after them all day long copying every fucking word they say and in a whinny mocking voice I'm gonna say over and over and over and over and over and over  "MAAAA she's copying me, MAAAA she's copying me...MAAA she's copying me" Then when that selected child has heard all that he/she can bear I'm gonna tip everything over in it's path like The Tasmanian Devil and next I'll make sure to get under it's feet where it can't see me in hopes it trips and hits it's hip bone on the corner of the table, just so I can hear it wail...then when said child tries to get some peace and starts to color I'm gonna scribble right the fuck over his master piece and when the kid cries after all my "normal child behavior" torture I'm gonna insist he feed me...but it has to be the most bizarre meal I can think of in that moment...and I will just smear,with my hands of course, the food all over my plate to make it look like I ate but in actuality all I really did was drop it all over the chair and floor surrounding me...and maybe I'll spill my milk, make sure it runs under the heating vent so that no one can see it until it smells like ass and is covered with ants! Then I will take my sticky little fingers and go through the entire house touching every surface, especially the sliding glass doors, and leave my food stained finger prints like a weird crusty saliva shellack and I may even throw a booger on the wall...just for shits and giggles...I will leave my mark, yes I will.....and just when I think that kid is gonna explode I'll say "oh, I'm sorry...I didn't know", "but I said I was sorry"....then when I hear the kid's dad pull into the driveway...I will quick as a flash grab a book sit on the couch and put on the sweetest little smile so when "Dad" walks in and"sees" for himself how "calm" things are he can turn to the kid and gesture "What?, everything looks fine here why did you call me in a panic begging for mercy while I was at work you know I'm busy at my JOB" (yes, can be gestured with one shrug and a roll of the eye)!

....Maybe I'll do that, one day....but I guess for now...for now...I'll have to take the torture like the rest of the Moms do and I'll take comfort knowing I am not alone..... Nope, I am not alone and at the end of the day when the brats are in bed...I will go into their rooms and look at them in their angelic slumber and I will look up and Thank God for sending me these beautiful little creatures and making me a mom...cuz really, my life would suck without them.

Breaking outta this hell hole....

Yup.....you read that right...I'm breaking the f-ck outta here! Been inside this f-cking house for  9 straight days without so much as a glimpse outside. Vertigo will do that to ya....hold you prisoner in your own home, I mean c'mon...being dizzy all day to the point you're falling off the toilet mid pee is bad enough...but throw in 9 whole days with the 4 little torture devices I call my kids...well that's just,simply put, INSANITY!! 
    So yeah...breaking the fuck outta this hell hole....well, at least for a couple hours...until my BFF drags me back and hurls me through the front door and I get back to regularly scheduled programming. Can you tell I don't get out all that often?? "All that often"  being the understatement of a lifetime!! There have been complete MONTHS that have passed that I didn't leave the house!! Yes, MONTHS...I am a bit of a hermit mixed with a little bit of a social anxiety ridden chick with no car to call her own and a little monster that likes to use her Sonic Screech when in public so that the old lady eating her tea biscuit on the bench in front of the Disney Store gasps in horror at how awful the parenting skills of this generation have become and  then think to herself  how her kids would NEVER have been so awful in public way back when "public" was the curtain store that was soooo flippin boring your  kids were probably half comatose...SORRY LADY...sorry my kid is so awful that she screeches instead of nicely asking me to feed her...which...by the way...can be somewhat of a hassle when you just wanna get your shit done, to stop and feed these things 3 times day a day.... c'mon...can't we just feed them like one huge meal a day like we do with the dog and save ourselves the trouble of having to clean the kitchen all day long?!?!?! Shit!
           .......So yeah....I'm movie bound tonight!!! Gonna see Bad Teacher, I believe...if we finish stuffing our faces in time to make to the theater before the start time. And believe me...when I say stuff our faces...I mean I'm gonna eat like the linebacker I resemble....at Vincents the best Italian place ever to grace the earth...I can not f-cking wait.........
   

Princess Couture

 I have a friend on facebook that has launched a new adventure...she has this adorable little Princess Boutique called Twinspirations...it has the cutest little outfits and accessories for the little lady in your life. Now...my brats, they won't wear anything that is cute or frilly...or girly...or clean for that matter! NOOOO, my girls like to look like dirty tomboys...by choice, it's their fashion statement.....I look at this site and daydream about my girls looking sweet and pretty, knowing they would last all of 10 seconds before they dripped snot on their pretty little dress....but I take comfort in knowing I have a new baby niece on the way this fall and I plan on spoiling her and making her the princess I couldn't make MY own!! I wish Twinspirations Boutique was around when my oldest was younger...she would have worn all of the things...ahhh she was the good one! But.......I ask you all, take a minute and look for yourself, the stuff is adorable! They have a princess line coming out in time for Halloween as well that is so flippin adorable...well you have to look for yourself!   

                    To take a gander....press the link below....=o)


                     Twinspiration Boutique

Lumpy Bed, Lumpy Bed...Oh How I Hate You...

It really friggin sucks major amounts of hairy ass when the only reason that I got outta bed early this morning was solely because of the box of lumpy foam I sleep on was making my back feel like I carried bricks uphill then somersaulted my way back down.  I am pretty sure the fact that my 1 1/2 yr old was in the bed (yeah, yeah...that's up for discussion at a later date) along with the ass sniffing spread out like a queen pooch didn't help matters either........but on the days it's just me and the hubster I have the same problem.   I know.....simple fix.....go out and get a new bed, right? Wrong!! Those fuckers are expensive! Especially when the girls need all the stuff to go back to school, bills..bills..bills, birthdays, and now my mind is thinking of Christmas already...oh...and I'm a martyr! Yep! If anyone knows me they know this as well! So be prepared to hear me whine but then do nothing about it in the name of "oh, I feel too guilty"! So, instead..I sit in agony "oooohhh the agony" (anyone remember that commercial they played with that guy bellowing??? That's the voice I'm using) One day we will get a new bed...til then I'll look into seeing if I can get myself a bricklayers pension.

          Maybe later I will have something more interesting to say....doubtful, but maybe....right now I'm too cranky, waiting for my beloved coffee to take effect...yes, coffee...gift from the Colombian Gods, I love you.......

    Is it bad that I have only been up 45 minutes and I already can't stand the kids today?? Oh man...this is gonna be one long M-effin day, they are already fighting over what to watch and the baby is deploying her Sonic Screech that makes your teeth chatter upon entry into the ear canal......gonna be a long day indeedy!

In the Gutter

There are so many people with out jobs here on Long Island these days...it's a sad, sad state. Unemployment is at an all time high, cost of living is flippin ridonkulous. No one can afford anything these days. But ya know what's funny? My husband has been looking for people to come work with him  and no one wants to! Here's the issue...you have to WORK! Yup, imagine that...physical labor. That's a problem...no one wants to get their hands dirty anymore, no one wants to bust ass...nope! They want to bitch and moan about how there are no jobs out there..they want a job that pays well to do nothing....I can't help ya there, BUT....if you are willing to bust ass...

Spotless Gutter Cleaning and Repair
looking for hardworking motivated individuals for:
gutter work, fascia, soffit.
General knowledge of roofing helpful (ie.slate, shingle, flatroof)
own tools a must. call 516 695-5687 if interested.

                                  AND.......   
while we are on the subject...fall is coming, you may want to think about getting your gutters cleaned and/or repaired as well. Cleaning your gutters now can save you heartache later! Water damage to your house is no joke, and can be avoided if you care for your gutters and roof now. So go ahead...give'em a call and tell them one sarcastic mom sent ya for an extra 10% off!!!

Back to skeeewelllahahahaa!

Seems crazy that it's about that time when we have to start thinking of the kids going back to school. Well, I mean...I can't f--king wait to have my house back and the peace and quiet...oooooohhhh the peace, the no fighting...the watching a show that's not on nickelodeon...the 6 GLORIOUS hours without their jelly stained nose picking faces!!!! whew..I digress...Yes, it's that time to start checking our dreaded supply lists...making sure we have every tissue box, wipes package, 2 gallon ziplock (2 gallon cuz our last name starts with S), glue stick, post it, red-blue-green-yellow-purple pocket folders, 800 marble notebooks (that they'll only use 4 pages of), crayola fat markers, colored pencils, crayons (with all these art supplies you'd think I'd get some thing like a Picaso...but ummm ,no), Elmers glue SEVEN OUNCE -THANK YOU, highlighters, stupid f--king Fiskar scissors and my fave the Mutha F--cking FOUR boxes of Ticonderoga SHARPENED pencils at $4.99 a flippin box of 4.........and everything labeled with child's name that we are gonna disregard anyway when we throw the shit in a heap and pool it out to the class......does the brand name of the pencil really make THAT  much of a difference beside in sharpening,which I will concede to? AAAAHHHH!


 Yet again, I digress....while you are all out braving the masses...going to Staples swearing to avoid the craziness of the mall only to end up on line at Walmart anyway...won't you please consider picking up an extra couple of marble notebooks when you see them on sale for .39 cents...or a few extra glue sticks?? There's a terrific family here heading up a terrific foundation, The John Theissen Children's Foundation. Annually, they do a Back to School Drive and collect school supplies for underprivileged children right here on Long Island...which, in reality, is more families than you would think...some of them your neighbors. If you are able..this is the foundation to donate to...Thanks   =o)
  

John Theissen Children's Foundation

Please help support our 2011 Back to School Program
Please donate new school supplies for underprivileged children on Long Island - Grades K-12 - now through August 26, 2011

WE ARE COLLECTING:
New Backpacks, Spiral Notebooks,Marble Notebooks, Loose Leaf Paper, Binders, Crayons, Markers, Colored Pencils, Pencils, Ballpoint Pens, Rulers, Pencil Cases, Scissors, Glue Sticks

 (516) 679-5098          www.jtcf.org




 https://www.facebook.com/pages/John-Theissen-Childrens-Foundation/204564062903327

awww...isn't she sweet?

Now if I can just get her to tell me BEFORE she craps in my kitchen instead of after this world would be a better place...

Sadie now thinks she's a dog

Finally did it!

 Well...I finally did it. So many people (and when I say people I mean facebook friends) have told me over the years I should start blogging. To be honest...I had no flippin idea what a blog was or how to start one, and would anyone even want to read my shit? But after being told by several different people I decided WTF...I'll give it a shot. But...fair warning....I can sometimes say shit you don't normally hear a mom saying! I use sarcasm as a defense mechanism...and when I say shit about my kids...or refer to them as little shits...this does NOT mean I love them less than the stay at home mom who makes cookies for every time her kid takes a crap on the "big boy" potty...no...it means they are driving me crazy and I'm just being real! If you, as an adult, were to go up to someone and scream directly in their ear that you were hungry...you'd be referred to as a shit, right? Then when my 1 year old or 5 yr old does it...SO ARE THEY! Still love them the same though.  

It is my sincere hope that this blog (heee heee, sounds so funny to me) is a place where you can visit and get a giggle and learn to laugh at yourself and not sweat the small stuff....would love to hear your comments and advice...and no worries if this isn't the blog for you, Martha Stewart as one you can join...