Dear John

  You know...there really isn't that I much I really ask of my kids, really. I ask them to clean up after themselves, HA HA...I ask them to not eat in their bedrooms...uh huh....be respectful, sometimes...and I always for the the last 7 years have asked everyone to please please puhleeze close the bathroom door! Which. They. Never. Do! The bathroom door has had to be shut the last 7 years since Ella was born cuz she's a toilet diver, meaning quite literally that she will throw anything in there and dive in for it! This started when she was able to walk, at 10 months, and only stopped when she was old enough to pass the torch to her sister Grace  who has now graciously (pun intended) passed it on to Sadiesaurous! I have had everything imaginable in my toilet...Little People, Mickey Mouse, Barbies, money, hairbrush, combs, shampoo, soap, rubber gloves, shoes, magazines, Easter Eggs (my own fault on that one though...why the hell the Easter Bunny couldn't hold it in!), pictures, pens and pencils, earrings, necklace, watches, wife beaters, sweat shirt, and a black sock (which cost me about $400 when my then landlord had to call someone in to find out the problem only to find a black sock from the bathroom upstairs,me!)...I can't even tell you the countless times Charlie has had to remove the entire clogged up stank toilet from the ground to expose the little hole on the bottom and drag out whatever got stuck....disgusting! A few years back we had company from Hawaii...my mother was meeting her birth mother for the first time and they came to stay with us at the time, right on cue my toilet was backed up when everyone woke up in the morning, first morning of a beautiful reunion with the backdrop of swirling turds in a pool of piss wafting  the sweet sweet smell of ammonia and shit throughout the apartment...now when ya wake up you gotta pee..no matter what...there is no time to call a plumber or your husband to come home before you gotta suck it up and just pee! Nothing says reunion better than community piss! Charlie got home asap unscrewed the entire toilet from the floor and dumped it, gag gag gag, into the gag-tub-gag, stuck his hand down the hole and scooped out Cinderella, Ariel, Belle and Sully from Monster's Inc! That was just plain gross! There is another reason I ask that the bathroom door be closed and her name is Jinx! That pooch is one of the grossest dogs ever! For what she lacks in size she makes up for in the disgusting department. She is one big fartbag and emanates  the most halituous  foul pollution and she is all of 6 pounds! She is also like a bloodhound and could probably have a career as a K-9, when she finds a "package" she drops on it and grinds all over it making sure to procure every last note of flavor from the pile of feral cat shit in the yard like it was a parfum sample in Cosmo! She does this with any kind of animal shit and/or piss, shrimp, slugs, snot or boogers in any form, and raw meats! Raw meats, you ask? Yes...she's a fucking garbage picker which brings me to why I don't want her furry ass in my bathroom! She eats the garbage in there....this is a family of 6 so I can assure you the bathroom garbage is not something you want to wake up to chewed in to little shitty bits on your bed! Have you ever had to clean up and dispose of a half devoured pungent used sanitary napkin your dog decided to feast upon in your bed? I have...and it wasn't MINE!!! I had an easier time with having my cat give birth in my hair (which I'll save for another time) than with picking up nasty clumpy bloody bits that were not mine...sorry about getting gross, but believe me when I tell you I really censored myself with that! I also prefer to have the bathroom door shut because I am not very fond of my pink tiled with rainbow brushed wall paper bathroom in the new house...worst part of this bathroom...TOILET SEAT! This toilet seat is a real bone of contention with me...it is see through! Yes, clear, see through with sea shells. I have 4 girls who should have been boys cuz they never flush and now with the translucent toilet it's like a turd aquarium in there! I am waiting for the day someone stumbles in there still half a slumber and sits and pees right on the lid cuz they thought the top was up! But, most likely it will be me! I would really like to know who in the fuck sat back in their chair and actually used brain cells to come up with that fantastic sales pitch! And the ass wipe that okay'd it! "Oh that sounds like a marvelous idea, Samuel! See through toilet seats! It just might turn out to be our best seller yet!" Cuz who the fuck doesn't want to watch their diarrhea smear a few laps around the bowl before being sucked into oblivion? Douches! And let's not even get started on the genius who thought it would be a great addition to the Pepto Powder room!


      So...this morning I was awoken by my oldest, Caleigh. "Ma.....Ma? Mom." "What's up Cay?" "Ummmm...something happened."  "What? Caleigh"  "Ummm...your hairdryer is in the toilet." "My what is where?!" "your hairdryer fell into the toilet. what should I do?"   "ummm, I dunno, Caleigh...bake a cake?!!...take it the fuck OUT!" "But there is pee in there!"..."okay...you still have to take it out."....."But there is poop in there too! can I flush it first?"  "DON"T FLUSH! not unless you want to be electrocuted by piss!"
 Man, I can't tell you how much that pissed me off...7am being told that the only hairdryer I have is now afloat in a sea of shit! She took it out of the toilet and threw it in my bathtub,lots of bleaching to do today, and bolts out the door for her bus. Now Mommy is awake and Mommy is pissed! I clomp my way down the hall and into the kitchen to heat up my beloved coffee and I notice a few pieces of paper on the floor, tissue like. No biggie, the girls all have the sniffles so nothing abnormal about tissue pieces being around until I head into the girls room to make the beds and finish getting them ready only to be greeted with chewed up toilet paper and wipes all over their beds and floor and in the corner a shivering dog looking at me and the asshole still has a piece of toilet paper stuck to her lip! This sends me into a fit of rage..."REALLY? REALLY JINX?! you asshole twat!" "Oh Mom" says Ella protective of the pooch "She's sorry!" "Oh, she's sorry she left shitty bits all over the house? she told you this?" "Look at her" as the kid lets the dog lick her face! BLACH!! I love animals, I really really  really do...but I have a sensory ocd issue and one thing I can not stand is when people let animals lick their face or mouth! Yuck! But there she sits protecting this mutt and letting the dog lick all over her face..."Umm, El? You do know that paper she chewed up all over was full of poop, right?"
"WHAT?!" as she skids the dog across the room away from her and better yet her face! "YEP!" I am now grinning ear to ear! " I tell you girls every single day your whole lives that you have to close the bathroom door. But NOOOO...you girls think I just say shit to hear myself talk! There are reasons I tell you to do things...and this one is so you don't have to deal with shit breath kisses and I don't have to pick up shredded shit!" "Sorry Mommy"...it amazes me how unaffected I have become to the word "sorry". "It's okay, but if I were you I'd go rewash my face before I walked into school smelling like hot garbage!"....I don't think she has ever done anything I told her on the first request...but today she jumped into that bathroom faster than lightening! She cleaned up the shitty slobber and off to school they went. Now I am cleaning up the house, doing my morning chores...Beds made, check. Load of wash in, check. Dishes in the sink, check. Shitty bits picked up, check! Hair dryer out of the tub and into the garbage, check and check! Charlie calls me to ask how the morning is going and if the girls got out today...."well they got out alive, so I guess their morning is okay, but mine sucked!" I told him all about it and the hair dryer and he says to me "Well I wouldn't use that hair dryer if I were you" "Ummm really? you wouldn't use the hair dryer that was submerged in our daughter's fecal matter? cuz it got wet?...well then...maybe I should go unplug it!"  "Okay, Wiseass...have a good day, I love you." "love you too Genius". I hang up the phone and try to get it back on the base, but it's hard when the battery pack is dangling because they lost not one but two backs to the cordless phones and I grab my US Weekly and head to the john for my turn! Good thing to come outta this debacle is that I get to use the facilities after they have been cleaned and bleached to perfection. I pull down the pants and go to sit down and slid right the fuck across the toilet and wail my hip into tub! Well, I guess clear plastic toilet seats aren't as strong as Samuel would hope, and mine picked today to disintegrate and spin my fat ass around the bathroom like I was on a Lazy Susan! Luckily I get paid today as my shopping list just got a lot longer..... 1 water/shit proof hair dryer, 1 small garbage pail with lid, one solid colored toilet seat....or maybe I should keep with the tackiness of the bathroom and get a fuzzy seat! 
 

Guess I'm Going To Hell....

So...I'm nowhere near being a religious person...I mean, I believe and all, I guess, but I also am under the impression if God is who people preach him to be then all is pretty much forgiven and I don't need to go to church and sit on a very uncomfortable wooden bench and give money to prove I believe...but that is just MY opinion and I sincerely hold no judgment towards people who believe any different even though those may judge me. I have four daughters and only two of them have been baptized....the first two I did together, my oldest was 4 her sister was 4 months. The other two haven't been baptized for no other reason than pure and utter laziness. The church tells me, although I have been a member of the congregation since 1996 I would have to come to church on a regular basis in order to schedule a baptism.....I can't commit to that, I don't have a car, I work til 2am on Saturday nights and plain and most simply...I am lazy as fuck and there is no way I am getting up that early on the one day of the week I can actually sleep past 9! The fact that the church tells me they want me to attend regular service on a consistent basis I interpret as "we want to make sure you are giving into the offering". I may be way off, but maybe I'm not. I have, however, sent 3 of my daughters through their pre-school at $192 a month ....but so be it, we will eventually figure it out and get it done, like all the rest of the shit in my life. But...what irks the eva living shit outta me is there are a few people who insist on telling me I am going to go to hell because my kids aren't baptized! Let's get something clear...when I go to hell...it will NOT be because of a lack of baptizims but rather an abundance of other "sins"!! Like, but not limited to:


     1.Envy...Fuck THAT...and Fuck you too if you think I am not jealous of your big house and beautiful car when I am sitting in a box with a schwinn! Hey, I don't care that YOU have it, and I am all about being happy for you that you do, especially if you earned it and it wasn't given to you  just cuz you were born.....but it doesn't mean I wouldn't want it for myself and at night when I am reading my magazines and see pictures of all the beautiful women with their amazing bodies...I am TOTALLY telling them to fuck off and wishing to God, yup Him, That He would give me some of what they have...it's totally not fair that they have beautiful hair, faces, bodies, men, houses, cars, bank accounts...so on and so on...Hey I think I am gonna do an "Occupy Hollywood" !
   
2. Wrath....well you can just ask my little monsters if I'm heading to hell for that one! I have a couple of episodes a day with wrath! Or you could ask anyone that has ever been a passenger when I drive!


3.Greed...I guess if it applies to like halloween candy or cookies...I always have the most! Or better yet, hand me downs...I am forever taking hand me downs from who ever offers...and I really don't need anymore but I take them so I can have a lot of shit for my girls that I can not afford to buy them so I take more and more bags hoping to find some really nice clothes, greedy? probably. Hoarder, most definitely!


4.Sloth-yup...lazy as fuck, like I said above! But I must clarify one important thing...I am lazy when it comes to ME...but as a mom and housewife I kick ass! Just yesterday I worked til 2 am the night before then when I woke up I did 7 loads of wash, vacuumed, swept all the floors washed and made all 5 beds, did a sink full of dishes, bleached the kitchen and bleached the bathroom...BEFORE 1:30pm...then I took a 2 hour break in which I sat on my ass and ate a box of chicken tenders...then I did homework with the kids , cooked a full meal then left to go to work til midnight! That's not lazy...but when I don't have a chore to do I can sit and stare at NOTHING for hours at a time!


5.Gluttony- can ya say HELL to the YEAH! I am a gluttonous pig! I actually just finished an entire box of Fridays appetizers, by myself...and I feel like I am going to burst...I didn't need to eat the whole box, especially because not even  an hour before I inhaled 3 cereal bars (fiber and fruit = healthy) and this morning for breakfast I had whole wheat english muffins, the healthy kind, but not so healthy when you eat them in groups of four! And when I got home from work at 1 this morning I reheated left overs TWICE because the first plate of kielbasa and cabbage isn't enough at 1 in the morning!


6.Lust- well I do have four kids! And despite the picture you must have of my fat ass from the above sin I actually do enjoy doing the nasty..a LOT, and although I am a plump girl..behind closed doors with my man I am Jenna Jamison (well...unless I have inhaled 2 plates of kielbasa and cabbage before bed!) and the older I get and more secure with who I am...well, let me just as tactfully as I can put it, say I am GREAT at what I do and have thought that if my body came in a different package I should get paid for my services!


7.Pride- well, I think my last comment covered that!


   So yeah...I am guessing I may be going to hell, but it won't because my kids aren't baptized! And until that time comes I am going to fuck my brains out in my unmade bed several times a week and follow it up with boxes of leftover chicken at 1 in the morning and proudly chastise my kids with the most vile profanities I can hurl if they so much as try to get a bite and then wish I could be like Angelina Jolie who can afford 6 nannies and gets to fuck Brad Pitt!

Twisted Sister

 I am a woman on the edge. In all seriousness. The edge.So much has been going on here... I honestly don't know how much I can handle without completely snapping... But... I want it on record...if I should go over the edge...it was NOT of my own doing. Sadie did it! Don't giggle. I wasn't kidding. I seriously think she is plotting my demise. Or at the very least...she is trying to get me sent "away". On regular days we call her Sadiesaurous...she is like a freaking T-Rex with the friggin' screeching she does...she yells at us all the time and then she'll be cool and cuddly...but lately we have been referring to her as "it". She has lost all resemblance to a 20 month old and became this creature right out of a Steven King novel. I totally get that it has been all sorts of fucked up around here and we are stressed and the kids have to be stressed by that, and I get that they need structure to strive so, understandably, I would expect for them to be on edge and acting up a little....but this is not acting up. She is crazy. The girls think she is hysterical....sooo not helping matters! Every time she screams at me in that baby jibberish you can only make out one word of...they laugh... and that just adds fuel to the fire. Her eyes light up like the fucking terminator and she sets her laser beams on me...she hit me today! Hard. Every flippin time I try to change her diaper now she flops her whole body like a dying fish and kicks me..today it was in my mouth...yesterday she head butted Caleigh who swore she broke her nose...the blood made us need to  check! And she's not napping for more than 30 minutes... if at all...unless she falls asleep at like 5pm when I'm trying to get the kids fed... and then she's up for the rest of the night! Every time I try to sit at my desk and do something (check facebook) she climbs up the side of the chair..over my shoulder and onto the desk...in a second, like a fucking little spider monkey and then she stomps like fucking Godzilla all the fuck over my keyboard! And I grab her down and she does the flop and screams bloody murder and I usually get hurt! She does the dead legs and flop at the same time...like she doesn't want you to console her but yet she doesn't want you to put her down...but what she DOES want to do is make the situation as painfully obnoxious as possible....at that point all I can do is lay her on the floor and walk over her til she just gets the fuck over herself! Then she cries and cries...she even started holding her breath! The biggest problem of all is that she isn't your typical 20 month old...she's smart, real smart...being #4 does that...she has had the benefit of 3 older, active sisters and she has been like a sponge since she opened her eyes at birth. Ella is her hero..Ella used to be referred to as "El-Zilla"...notice a pattern? I have been searching for the 666 on the back of El-Zilla's neck for 7 years...it must be small print...now Sadiesaurous comes along and makes El-Zilla look like she has been standing still. When my husband called me on his way home tonight...I could barely form coherent sentences...She's out of her flippin mind..and top make matters that much more difficult...Ella is wired from going back to school ...and getting her to sit and do her math homework was sheer torture..Grace was being the goody goody constantly reitierating how Had she had homework she would have done hers right away...which is prompting Ella to get pissy with her and she starts screaming at her to "Shuuuttt UUUUpp!!" which is making me reprimand her and telling Gracie to "Knock your shit off and go read a book" Caleigh is moaning on the couch complaining of a stomach ache and insisting she's gonna puke and she"needs pepto"...and the flippin dog is running between my legs tripping me and I am screaming at the her only to realize the reason she is under my feet is because Sadiesaurous is beating her with her knotted rope toy! And she's laughing this evil little laugh. The phone is ringing..Ella "needs a drink or I will DIE"...Gracie "would finish my homework before I would ask for a drink Mommy" .....Caleigh is conducting a Symphony of Toots out in the living room and Sadie is dumping the dog's water all over the kitchen. I'm now cleaning the floor,again....Ella is "Why do we need to learn this? I HATE SCHOOL"....Grace "AJ said I was beautiful when we put away the play doh"....Caleigh is "Thir ur ur ur steee hee heee" in the living room...Jinx is eating Sadie's dinner and  Sadie is scaling the cabinet in the kitchen trying to grab shit out of the sink. I am serving Caleigh...Ella is crying cuz she's hungry and I won't let her have dinner til she finishes math...Grace is putting on Cailou for Sadie...the dog is sniffing in the corner...Sadie is eating the Bird's seeds...The bird is flying across the dining room....I'm screaming "Let The Dog OUT!!" Ella is Heely-ing across the house with a pencil...Grace is letting out the dog...Caleigh needs some wipes...Sadie is tackling the bird...I am tackling her. By the time the Hubby calls my eyes are buggy...my teeth are chattering...my hair is crazy and I am drooling. "Please come home Babe, Please". "I'm on my way...what happened?" ...I seriously can not even answer him...I just need him to hurry home so he can hurry and take the girls to my sister's to shower cuz it's still not working here. I feel like there's a hidden camera somewhere and some guy with as mic is gonna jump out from a corner and tell me it's all been a joke! The last 2 1/2 weeks of our life has been one clusterfuck after another starting from back to back days with the kids shopping for school at the outlets..to working til 2am at a supermarket before the end of the world..to sleeping on a crappy couch for a week..to hauling in rain water to flush my toilets...to readjusting to getting up early for school..to packing in a hurry to move and the list goes on further than that. So by the time he gets here, I could literally cry...but he is only here briefly..to gather whomever has to shower and grab some wash I put together so he can do a load for me at my sister's.         Ella and Sadie were done earlier so they stayed home with me....yay. Sadie was putting on a little show for Ella...showing her what a little brute she can really be! Kicking her toys, slapping a sleeping Caleigh...she scrunched her eyebrows and made a mad face which sends Ella into fits of laughter... and Sadie eats it up! She threw her milky bop at my head..purposely at my head..with clear intent. Then she walked across the living room and flipped any piece of furniture and toy she could! With Ella's seal of approval, of course. But I think I may have stumbled upon some kryptonite...I forced them to watch Snow White tonight. Too fluffy sweet for them and it bored them to sleep by 9:45! As soon as they were all asleep tonight, I self medicated. I feel somewhat relaxed now except for the anxiety I am getting from the Hubs telling off those golf announcers...the last thing he yelled was "Lick my balls Bitch!". Classy.
So, as I said...if anything should happen to me...it wasn't an accident.......no matter how they spin it.

Where's My Sanka!!!

When I was a kid my Dad was, well he is still, a very active member of the local Elks Lodge...when I was a teenager he was their catering manager and would cook for all the affairs they had in their Hall. I used to go down to the Elks and help him anyway I could...coat room for big parties and weddings, can I tell you at 13 I used to make about $300 in one night HANGING COATS!! Then, they had this monthly dance that met every second Tuesday of the month called The Widow/Widowers Dance. For this dance I wouldn't hang coats...I would waitress, at 16 I would make about $100 for the night bringing out donuts and tea, not a bad gig AT ALL! There were only a few annoyances of the job... The old creepy guys at tables 1, 3, 4, 6, and 9 that used to slap my ass when I would pour their coffee, or ask me to sit in their lap, or try to slip me their numbers (LOL) 2. The dishwashers...totally wanted them to like me, twins, they never did! and 3. All the people at this dance would always bitch about Sanka!! "Where's my Sanka? I can't drink regular coffee it'll give the runs." "Where's the Sanka? If I drink tea I'll be up all night"... It would echo through out the room ..Sanka ...Sanka ...Sanka, they would chant it and if I would go near the table with it they would practically rip it from my hand while the next table would yell "Where's MY Sanka"!...ugh I'll never forget how I loathed the sight of Sanka...from that time on Sanka and Old Fart had the same meaning for me....


  I worked til 2am last night...cleaning the store, all the registers and underneath then when I was done early, for the 1st time  EVER, the grocery manager asked me to do him a favor and help pack out the fruit and nut aisle. I only said yes because I have worked with this guy since 2007 and he has never said more than 2 words to me despite my blatant attempts to converse with him, it's a sickness I have...if someone doesn't want to talk, or is mean and doesn't smile ..I make it my mission to turn that frown upside down and be the one to break their misery, doesn't always work..this guy was case in point, but after 4 yrs...Bam!.. "Would you be willing to do me a favor and help pack out tonight, we are short handed"....I can tell you the last fucking thing I wanted to do was to pack out anything other than my boobs from my bra and go to bed..but he spoke...I had to follow through and so I did! I went down the fruit and nut aisle and there were about 12-13 cases of Pop Secret Popcorn and Planters Peanuts...alrighty..no problemo! Well...there was a problemo, I am all of 5'3 and a LOT of pounds over 100!! This doesn't bode well when you have to stock the top shelves straight and level and in order to even reach I had to Spider Man my rotund ass way up another shelf..God I hope no one was watching the video feed last night to see that...cuz I can guarantee you it wasn't pretty!! But now not only do I have to pack out cuz he asked me but I, only for myself,  have to be the best fucking packer outer there ever was..oh, and the fastest! I ripped through all 13 boxes and stocked and leveled it all in a half an hour... figuring when I left all the grocery guys would be like "Holy shit...you did ALL that!! you are the best ever!" or something to that effect...but nope....silence as I walked past them on their 2 o'clock break...ungrateful fuckers, it's probably why you're all single! or maybe it's because you all work the overnight at Pathmark, either way their single cuz you are all giant asses! I got home a little after 2, but I had some of my own groceries to carry outta the, what feels like, 50ft high van and up the 25 steps (really only 4) to my front door. I put it all away and go off to La La Land. I wake up today completely stiff. Stiff to the point I have to roll out of the side of my bed face first onto the floor and get up from that position, again...not a pretty sight! My daughter Ella always asks me if I am having another baby cuz my belly is "so big and chubby" (fucking bitch! can't wait til she gets older and pops out a few..I'll be first in line to remind her of her insensitivity) "No El...I am just pleasantly plump".... So I roll outta bed, slowly and carefully get up off the floor..which requires assistance from my dresser (my husband will hopefully reattach the handle later) and start to hobble my gargantuan ass down the hall to the bathroom. My body is so fucking stiff I can not bend to a sitting position with any trace of grace...I literally fall on to the toilet... possibly sending a tsunami effect throughout the sewer system...and when I have to wipe I actually consider air drying...but that's too gross...I regroup and figure it out after a couple of minutes. I then hobble again into the kitchen to heat up my coffee..I kind of sound, and look for that matter, like Frankenstein walking through the house, moaning and groaning with every step I take. Kids are snickering behind my back "Look at Mommy's hair!! ha ha " honestly I probably would have laughed at my hair too as I resemble a q-tip! I got my hair cut the other day and it is quite short and now with bed head quite fuzzy! But their snickering sets the mood for the day..."Go ahead snicker all the fuck you want...in your rooms...where you'll stay all day" Of course I don't really mean this...they 'll be allowed out later to serve me or play the "Go Get ____ For Mommy" game, my favorite. I sit and guzzle my coffee and contemplate calling in sick for tonight's 2 am shift but I know that will just piss everyone off at work and hopefully by 9pm I will be able to wipe my own ass without causing tidal waves. I just can't help but be pissed..I am 36 years old and walk around literally like I am 90! All hunched over and limpy. Seriously, what the fuck am I gonna be like when I am actually 90? In a wheel chair I suppose...I had a chiropractor tell my parents when I was 15 that my back had such severe scoliosis that I would be in a wheel chair by the time I was 60...when you are 15 it seems like a lifetime away, and for the most part it is... But, at 36 you are well aware of how fast 24 years can pass right by...looks like my days of squealing for Sanka are A LOT closer than I thought....just need to find me a hottie to slap on the ass!

Look Who's Fucking Tiger Now...

    The shame....dirty, dirty shame...I am a filthy dirty Tiger whore! This is bad...very very bad. 

Two nights ago I decided to be a good wife, a fair wife...a wife willing to compromise. I said "sure Babe, let's play golf."...it was an extra day off for Chuck...he had to take the day off because we had a massive flood in our basement and our hot water heater was drowning...along with a few club chairs the kids use to hang out in...afloat across the basement. This had been caused by Sunday's massive monsoon we had here...you know, the one that brought the birthday bbq extravaganza indoors..into my shoebox of a house...with 12 kids running free, candy, pinatas, silly string...yes, quite a crazy...yet thoroughly enjoyable day...Grace had a blast for her 5th birthday, so the fact that my basement looked like the aftermath of the Titanic was not as bad......who the fuck am I trying to kid...it sucked hairy balls, but WTF could I do about it? It was what it was, The Hubby attached the green hose and led it out to the driveway..what else could we do but wait and let the festivities begin! so we did...I'd like to say it was easy breezy lemon squeezey and it all was smooth sailing, but..this is me...nothing goes off smoothly and it was an absolute clusterfuck of a few days leading up to the exact moment the first person arrived! Screaming, crying, declaring "I will never ever for never ever ever host another fucking party of any fucking kind cuz no one gives a flying fuck about anything, but me,and I can not be the only one who thinks this is important...I can not believe you think it's too fucking much to expect the bird cage to be cleaned for the first time in 3 months before people arrive and if you would have made better use of your time this entire week you knew this party was approaching instead of fucking Tiger we wouldn't be screaming at each other NOW!!!"....."Yes we would because you expect waaay too much...who the hell cares if the bird cage is cleaned? Bird shit doesn't even smell!"......"Expect too much? This is OUR daughter...expect too much? And bird shit absofuckinglutley does stink... you ass, especially when it is piled higher than her fucking perch decomposing for 3 months!"....."OOOH, you are gonna pull the "OUR" daughter card, like I don't fucking care about my daughter? I can't fucking stand when you do that...and I am not allowed to have any free time? I can't EVER do anything for myself? It's just all about you and your lists!".....""You mean the list I made of the things that need to get done for OUR daughter's birthday party? That list? And by the by..I have to point out that it is our daughter's b-day cuz you need to realize the importance  placed on this day..you treat everything like a fucking after thought and I am sick of us doing things half assed. I want today, despite the typhoon, to be perfect!"..."Oh, and I don't right? Fuck this..I'm going to pick up the balloons!"......Yes...one fantabulous day....with the chaos shrouded from our guests, fun had by all!

 Monday, however..not so fantabulous! Now the reality of the abyss of a basement having to be dealt with...Charlie goes to work for a couple of hours, cuz God forfrigginbid they deal a day without him... but he comes home by 11am and I am thinking wow...we can accomplish so much today, our extra day...he goes down to check the flood...re-aligns his little green hose...comes back into the house and picks up his "club" and starts to golf!..."That's it? you're done fixing the hot water heater?" "No, it's a waiting game"....."Super." ...waiting game, really? what ev! So pretty much the rest of the day I putter around the house cleaning up the mess of 12 kids, silly string on the blinds...left by the adults mind you...this is me... taking advantage of the time while glancing over my shoulder every couple of minutes to the man with the club and mumbling under my breath. I'm gonna fast forward quite a few hours and a few sarcastic battle of the spouses and cut to later that night...the hot water heater is thankfully back on and water is slowly heating back up and at this point all that can be done is done (well all that is gonna be done is done.)....and there he stands staring at the tv lining up his shot! I walk in to the room and sit down, exhausted from the last couple of days and perhaps the few bottles of beer I have consumed to make room in the fridge...and I say "What's good?"... "C'mon Babe...just play"....."Alright..give it to me".....

   And so it begins.....must have been the alcohol, made me a little loose and easy...I mean, how many affairs must begin with alcohol? I start swinging that club and I am doing good...real good..and I start to feel a little giddy about it! Especially because I am neck and neck with the pro...the one who has been playing this game since July..I am holding my own and doing pretty fucking good! Not only am I doing good I am getting a little cocky about it as well..."Babe, I got this" I say to him because I no longer require his guidance. I can see this gets to him a little..especially when I do better at the shot I line up on my own rather than listen to his advice... because I start thinking he is now trying to sabotoge me a bit, to take me down a notch because  I am winning rounds and feeling like a PGA floosy! And he looks at me with a half grin "Great Babe..you are doing great!" yeah I am!!! I can see how this is bothering him, I am supposed to be far far behind him cuz I'm a beginner, but there I stand one stroke ahead.....and I am convinced I found the formula to this game.... simply treat it like a game...I am getting so ensconced in this game I am turning to him and saying "Oh man, babe...you were robbed on that put!" and "Nice approach Babe" !!! He just kinda nods a thanks to me...men don't like when you take what they love and do it just as well as them...but I can't help it now...he pushed me into this threesome...he can't pull out now! And that Tiger...I had no clue what a seductive little fuck he really is...once you get past the initial thought of how boring golf is and look deep into his eyes, those Tiger eyes....you have no choice but to surrender to his advances and fuck the ever living shit outta him! And that is just what I did!...in every way possible....AND IT WAS GLORIOUS!!!! I finished on par, Which made me feel even better. Charlie, I think, may be harboring a few insecurities over my new found love of Tiger. But he has to come to terms with the fact he asked for it! He comes home from work the next day and as soon as we get the kids settled for bed I am whipping out the condoms, gosh! I mean controllers...and telling him to call Tiger..."let's go, let's get it on.."..."Babe, I'm tired..it was a long day at work.." "So what! Suck it up and whip it out and let's get started already!"...Now that I am on board..he is tired? I have used that excuse one too many times for you to turn it on me mister man!  You are just jealous!..... I am playing so well now that when I fuck up...I get honest to God pissed and I start yelling at the tv that I was robbed and I get really upset when my driver only goes 212 yards...but I also do this fist pump sort of thing when I do well...and with Tiger I am a loud lover.."WHOO HOO, YES.. DRIVE IT IN THAT HOLE... NICE EASY STROKES...LOOK AT THAT!!...LOOK AT HOW LONG THAT IS" the drive...people, the 248 yard drive I made! And now my man is looking  at me like are you serious? Unfortunately for us all I am serious...seriously whoring around with Tiger, I never thought it good be so good, so freeing!! Why did I not give in sooner? It no longer matters that I look like Barney Rubble when I play cuz I feel like Angelina and I am roaring like a tiger! Charlie keeps saying how he is just so tired and just "not into it tonight" and he really wants to go to bed, and I bring out some bottles of beer hoping to loosen him up now and bend him over that tee...so he looks at me, a little disgustingly...and says "make sure you tell everyone to look who's fucking Tiger now!".

Four

Four...the number of sides on a square....Four...the number of months til Christmas...Four..the number of kids that I have...Four...the number of doors on my car....Four..what one might yell when golfing...Four.. the number of  fucking  piles of shit the dog left overnight! FOUR...the number of days for correction before I cook this dog in a stew! I am losing my flippin mind with this mutt...there is only so far cuteness can carry you. Just ask Webster!... I already get pissed off every time she comes near me, and looks at me with those eyes and wants to snuggle with her stuffed duck ...and I hate that! I hate having these feelings of hatred for something that is so cute and sweet and loveable...anybody that ever comes to my house always says OMG I love this dog, I wanna take her home...bet your ass the next time I hear that phrase I just might let them! Charlie brought her home one day..one of his customers had found her as a puppy and couldn't keep her and aksed Chuck if he wanted her, so he brought her here..our kids had been begging everyday for the three years since we lost our other dog to please please please get a dog...she seemed to be the perfect fit....and actually she is...she is the same age as the baby and she has never hurt the baby no matter how much she has deserved it, the dog loves the kids....she wants to be around them all the time and when they go out without her she sits in her window with her "baby" whining til they come home, most times we have her on a long rope so she can hang out in the driveway watching the kids while they ride bikes and stuff, and she is so friendly to everyone...I actually kid around that this dog has no loyalties cuz she loves anyone who comes near her (except the mobile dog groomer) she suffocates you with kisses and hugs....but when she is done she'll leave a load of shit in the kitchen! This dog would be perfection if it weren't for 2 major things...the shitting and if you don't put her on her leash in the yard she bolts...but just to look around the neighborhood, she must get that from the kids cuz they don't listen to shit either and wander up and down the block. We had crate trained her when we first got her, and it was working...so I thought, the crate we have is ginormous for her, our wonderful neighbor let us use the one they had for their dog...which let me just say The World's Most Perfect Pooch Award goes to him, Sweet Archie, the best dog around....Archie is huge compared to my dog Jinx, so accordingly... so is the crate...here in lies the problem....the crate is too big and there is plenty of room to go into the back of the cage take a shit and move to the front and fall into peaceful, yet stinky, slumber.. cuz you know the saying... dogs don't shit where they sleep...no she just fucking shits where I sleep! Sometime over the winter when it was so blistery cold and we would put the dog in the crate right before we would go to bed and she would look at us with those "please don't leave me look how adorable I am " eyes, like Puss in Boots from Shrek...we started to let her sleep in the bed to keep warm...well huge correction..my husband, against my very loudly stated advice and will, let her sleep in the bed! cuz , I quote "look at her she's so fucking cute and cold she's not gonna do anything but sleep and I'll take care of it if she does, I believe she's trained no worries"!!!!! I did not want her to sleep in the bed, it actually made me lose sleep for quite some time due to my OCD issues, which are more like skeevie issues, but this is what my man wanted and I really needed to get over myself and just let him make a decision! Just so happens it was a very wrong decision! Shocker. She was doing really well for a very long time, then something snapped and she started this mass shitting spree..but if we start to put her in the crate again she is just gonna move to the back and shit...and I can tell you this...it is much easier to clean up dog shit that is on the kitchen floor than to crawl my fat ass into the crate and wipe shit up and try and remove the bedding to wash it only to get wedged in while shimmying my lard ass back out of the now tiny hole I came in through so I have to put my hand down only to realize I put my hand in shit!(not like it has happened more than 4 times or anything) I have told him (FOR MONTHS) to get a piece of wood and cut the crate space down by more than half...and my handy handy husband reassures me "sure, no problem..I can do it 2 seconds!"...Charlie can fix anything in "2 seconds" no matter what the fuck you ask of him he is like the Chinese food takeout "15 meen-ot" for delivery..Charlie is "I can build a house in 2 seconds"...This is just another unit of measure in "Charlie time"... he will always do what ever I ask, nicely and not like I  am talking to a  child, to do, but in "Charlie time", which means...If I ask him to clean the shit ridden bird cage cuz it's ...well, umm.. SHIT RIDDEN...he will...in 3 months! If I ask him to..let's say...mow the lawn...he will..when it is taller than the fence!  or if I say Babe...why don't you call your Mom, it's her birthday...he'll wait til she calls him and I answer the phone and have to apologize for her son's insensitivity!!...."Charlie time"...so the dog crate issue has fallen into the black hole of "Charlie Time"! But if this issue is not resolved soon  "Jinxie time" is up!... My day literally consists of shit..dog shit on the floor... baby shit under my nails...bird shit on my front door by the wild ones that do a fly-by shit attack... shit in the cage of our bird...swirling turds afloat in the toilet from our 3 little piglets that refuse to ever flush without being told...Shit! most of my day I am cleaning or tending to shit! Maybe I should teach 'em all a lesson and just squat right the fuck in front of them all take a shit and hand them a Kleenex and tell them to clean up after ME! There's only a little bit of sarcasm attached to that, I am truly debating it! Just to see the look on their faces may just be worth the act of a public shit! I mean, it's not like I have taken a shit without interruption in the last 11 years anyway!I just don't know what to do anymore...tired of carrying around bleach bottles and paper towels where ever I go. I refuse to have the house that smells like shit...it can look like shit from the outside...but I will be God Damned if it's gonna smell like shit on inside....All I can say is that Jinx better figure this shit thing out and super duper fast...UPS just dropped off a package I ordered...a book..."How to Cook like the Vietnamese with 10 ingredients or less"...Woof Woof Chowder looks pretty easy...

 

9:30 am, Next Stop... Homicidal Maniac...

You know those cartoons where there is someone that gets hurt or really pissed and they start spouting off yelling Fliff flarff flagg flarr fluggin!!..well picture that more as...Fuck bitch shit fuck dick! ...and it's only 9:flippin 30! Worked late last night...a sporadically busy night, we would have random hoards of customers..then nothing...but steady enough for me to be spent by then end of my shift, I did a little shopping after work for cereal and shit and then came home...When I got home.. there sat in my driveway Gracie's brand new Tony Hawk bike she had gotten the day before..now..not only is this annoying cuz it is brand spanking new and my ocd kicks in and I freak of the thought of a potential rain drop getting on it, or one of the delinquents across the street taking it...but it is in the middle of the fucking driveway and I am barreling in with my Husband's work van, which is ginormous and has ladders hanging over the top, and am now committed to pulling in the driveway cuz my street is very narrow and there is just no way in hell I can maneuver this thing back out with out smushing my neighbor's car..  now I am hanging out of the driveway..but Fuck You..I'm leaving it...it's late! Can I just say why this irritates me so much...when I left for work the whole fam stood next to the van saying their good byes like the Cleavers..it was already late so they were going directly back inside...SO WHY DIDN'T THEY PUT AWAY THE BIKE!!!!!...but whatever, it's there now...  I go around the van and step on on the foot thingy that helps you get in and I take out a bunch of bags...more than I should try to carry..but I don't want to have to come back out this late..so I pile myself up with bags, basically trip off the foot step, drag the bags up my steps, of course dropping shit on the way pick it up and shove a  Cap'n Crunch box under my chin... I have to practically kick in the door and fall into the house...and there...stands....the husband .....GOLFING!!!! Jackwagon! You didn't notice the fucking time lapse from when I pulled into the drive til the time I flung the door open like an animal? No, you didn't..cuz you are one of Tiger's WHORES!!!! He is standing there in his skivvies which I can only guesstimate he is feeling very Bradley..and he finally turns and tries to help, but at this point momentum has gotten me and I have to run and put this shit down myself or I'm gonna fall flat on my face....so I run through the house only to notice to my right a nice pile of dog shit sitting perfectly under the A/C ...then I stumble my way into the kitchen and I notice the dishes in the sink still from dinner...I gotta tell you, inside I was like ..Really? Seriously!! But I say nothing of the dishes but glance at the golfer and point to the turd and shrug like, you didn't see or smell this from 5 feet away??? To which he is just stunned, flabbergasted I tell you..."What the fuck is that?".."That's shit Babe"..."I know what it is when the hell did she do that?"...whatever!...so he cleans it, I am putting the groceries away, walk to the next room and Viola! Dog pee'd on the mutha fucking rug! Now I am fuming and I hear that little bitch trotting through the house and I swing around and lock eyes with her and the dog literally locks her legs, comes to a screeching halt flips over and shows me her belly...she knows I found her out..."Up yours Mutt! Go lay the fuck down"...and she does. I continue to empty bags, go on the 'puter check my mail and facebook of course but that's all I can take for the night, so off to bed I go..Brad soon follows...I'll spare you the details, except for one.. YES!!! It's now about 2 am and I look at him and say.."you shut off the A/C, right?"..."Oh, yeah I did!! Earlier"..."okay, love you.. good night"... 


    8am..."Boppy?...Mommy?...Boppy?, Mommy Boppy!" "Maammmaaa Boppy!! Boppy Mommy" "Boppy, Boppy boppy boppy boppy bobby"....this has no effect on me what so ever, I have been a mom for 11 years, I have selective hearing..til I hear ...tikka tikka tikka,the sound of dog ears flapping when they  shake themselves off...like the shake you get after you pee! That fucking cock sucking dog!!! I'm gonna drop kick her into next fucking week if she pee'd in my house again...this gets me outta bed..I am trying to roll my stiff ass out of my bed and the baby is stalking me "Boppy Mommy Boppy MMMAAAAA" and I am limping to the kitchen to make her a fucking bop already to shut her the hell up and I proceed to slide across the kitchen and do a split cuz the baby has dumped the dog water all over the floor...flarrff flaagg!! I make her the bop, put my coffee in the microwave (the 7-11 coffee my man provides for me every morning!!) go into take a morning pee, come back out and notice..yes sir-re Bob she pee'd ..but this time on the rug in the living room! That flip fargin see you next tuesday little flippin bitchface! I'm gonna kill her!! I am soaking up the pee all while screaming to the girls "I'm going on Craigslist today to see if anybody is looking for a piece of shit dog that only pees in the house!!! I am sure everyone wants one of those! I told you if she kept peeing in my fucking house I was gonna throw her out!! I hate that dog and her bodily fluids!!! How many times do I have to tell you girls that if the dog wakes up she wants to pee? Dammit!!" all 4 are just laying there with SpongeBob in the background wide eye'd and shocked and there lays that mutt shivering and looking all sorts of sorry.."FUCK!!" (already my throat feels like it is bleeding, I am Irish, I have bit of a temper)...I go get the paper towels and start to soak up the pee and I glance over and notice the A/C has that foamy frozen shit all on the outside of it.."That assmunch didn't shut it off!! What a dick!, now it's frozen Fan-Fucking-Tastical!" Soaking up the pee, Bounty may be the quicker picker upper..but it leaves little bits of paper in the pee that I am gonna have to come back for and pick up with my fingers, bitch! I go to throw out the drippy towel and notice today is the day my husband decides to do what he is supposed to do every morning but never does..he took out the garbage and I have this pissy towel that I am holding by the only dry corner and Sadie is following me now "Nana?, Nana Mommy" and I am frantically looking for a garbage so I open the back door and fling the piss soaked rag out the door, trip over Sadie and go back to clean the rest but notice that under the glacial a/c sits...wait for it....another fucking pile of shit, how did I not see this? That fliff flarging...ahh I hate this bitch! Back to the paper towels, scoop up the shit..realize again I have no garbage set up...out the back door flying shit, God my neighbor must love me..."Nana Mommy, NANA" wash my hands give the kid her fucking nana..now I have to bleach clean the floor and I start to gag and dry heave in the dining room..Not because of the shit and piss I just had to deal with, oh no...what is making me sick is the new renuzit air freshner I just got last night to cover up smells..apparently my nose prefers the smell of hot shit wafting through the air opposed to "Fresh Linen"! So I am walking through the house, bleaching up shit stains and dry heaving all over the place and I hear the weather man come on and I run over to hear this weekends forecast cuz I am having  BBQ Bday bash for my daughter on Sunday and fucking Al Roker  has the fucking gall to tell me Sunday will have scattered thunder storms through out the m-effin day! Fuck You Al...You were much better looking fat! That was just the straw that broke MY back! Flip Fargin Flaff gaggin fuck! SO glad I just spent $140 at Party City yesterday! So I say, "Fuck it all, the dishes that are still all over the place, the shit that has been flung out onto the deck which will be a real treat later after sitting in the sun, the kids, everything..fuck it...I'm sitting down and gonna write....5 minutes into it I hear.."Maaa Sadie has something on the couch" turn around and there she is pouring out an entire bottle of baby oil all over my couch! I jump outta my chair and fly through the air and tackle the bitch and she puts up a fight! Baby oil ejaculating all the fuck over the place, she's kicking and screaming, I am one breath away from cardiac arrest..fuck! it's only 9:30!!! It will be nothing short of  a miracle today if we all get out alive!

Tiger Woods is a Twat...

Fuck yeah Tiger woods is a twat! I am sitting here today, well barely sitting, and I am stiff as a fricken board..my body hurts so fucking bad right now and I can't really turn my head to left...all because of that whore Tiger Woods...rat bastard! 
                              Okay...let me catch you up...


 It started really Fourth of July Weekend....My husband's family came in for a visit for the first time in many, many years. It was fantastic, and no sarcasm intended..truly a great week. My husband and his one brother hadn't really kept in great touch over the years because my husband can be a real douche when it comes to the phone...they never had an issue besides Charlie's laziness to pick up the phone, and literally he would speak to his brother once a year on his birthday, he hates the phone...but now his brother is here and they are "re"-bonding and loving it...they decide to go to the store and pick up a new video game...side bar...my husband is a freak when it comes to a video game, grade A freak...he gets really into his game and I truly believe he believes he is there and the game situation is real to him and he just starts acting all sorts of schitzo when he plays and this pretty much drives me batty..it'd be one thing if he was just playing, but the seriousness he has when playing gets to be ridiculous!, but I digress...back to the story....So they go to the store and his brother generously buys him a new Tiger Woods game and the new sensor thingy to make it work better or whateva the fuck it does....they come home and proceed to play this game for the rest of the week...which , really, at this point is not a problem..they are bonding and we are all having a great time sitting around and just basically fucking off doing nothing,...the perfect vakay if you ask me. The problem starts when the family leaves.....Now everyone is gone and it's down to just  Chuck and Tiger....he is now addicted to this game and begins to play it every waking moment he has because he can never ever just play a game for fun, he has to beat the game or go crazy trying..but he doesn't just play it like it's a game....NOPE...He PLAYS it like he is on the 9th hole of a PGA Tour...and he lines up his shot and puts a back swing on the ball (or something like that) he gets real serious...don't talk to him when he is lining up his shot or God for friggin bid you walk past the tv screen you fucking idiot what the fuck did you do that for you just fuck up my swing...yeah and to top it off there are announcers on the game..and they are big fucking meanies and they are egging this man on saying shit like "Oh That's not a good shot at all, what was he thinking", so now for the last few weeks he is golfing in my living room day and night screaming at the tv screen to "Lick my balls you fucking bitch" and kicking shit over when he fucks up or when he is doing good he is tweeting like a bird, cuz apparently getting a "birdie" is a great thing..and he is always yelling out to me, while I am no where near him..."Oh Man, did you see that shot?" "Baby I was robbed...did you see?"...ummm, no...contrary to what I tell my kids I don NOT have eyes on the back or the side of my head and frankly I hate golf and am not watching you....So at this point, I am really starting to hate this game..but the man asks for nothing...he works his ass off..he deserves to golf, I just wish he would do it quietly, isn't golf a quiet game anyway? Last week his brother was generous again...back in Tennessee he goes to the store and picks up another 2 copies of Tiger Woods and sends them to his brothers so now all three of them can play this game online against each other while talking on speaker phone  til the wee hours of night..."oh wow..did you see that shot"....fun times.

         Yesterday was a crazy day...my kids were little deviants! After driving me crazy all day, they went outside after the rain..I told them they could go across the street to the house that is in my sight..they said okay...10 minutes later I see them in my back yard and they come in and tell me no one wanted to play...they went across the street and asked and down the block... "Wait, what the fuck did you just say? you went down the block? I thought I told you  you couldn't walk down the friggin block with out telling me or asking me? You can't just walk around the fucking town like you own.." Rrrrriiiiinnnngggg..."Hello?" ..."Um yes, Hi...it's Hoosie Whatsie from around the block...we have a little problem"..."Yeah, what kind of problem?" ..."Well..this year I have been noticing a bunch of rocks at the bottom of my pool and I keep yelling at my kids for throwing rocks in there when they know I just spent $1000 on a new liner and they keep telling me they aren't doing it...I was just sitting in the pool and a rock came flying over your fence and hit me in the head and I heard your girls run away"...."Say no more...I am so sorry..It'll never happen again, I promise...any damage, please come see us"....I turn around and proceed to go OFF for quite sometime actually...yelling and screaming and threatening and I just can not believe what little deviants I am raising and where the fuck did I go so horribly wrong?...when the hubby comes home we are co parenting at it's finest..we are totally on the same page, in sync and getting our point across...we rocked that punishment! The kids were all in bed early and not only were they in bed, but they were asleep!!! So the hubster and I decide to have some "us" time..we deserved it..look at how on the money we were tonight....feels like we bonded...even if it was over screaming and belittling our children...we were one tonight ...and I gotta tell ya honestly...I was feeling a little frisky!! Yes, let's hang out...."I'm gonna go change into my pjs ..be right back"...I change into my boobie lifting tank that he likes....now yes, I am a chubster..but when it comes to my man, I'm Angelina Freakin Jolie and I ignore my physical and get into my head and rrroarrr I'm one sexy bitch! So I come out of the room wearing my "sexy shirt" and giving him my "sexy eyes" and he says..."Wanna golf?" "Do I wanna GOLF?, umm is that what you really wanna do?" "Yes, I want you to do something that I am interested in...you make me watch all your fucking shows with you..golf with me"...what choice do I really have when he puts it like that? "Okay...let's g o l f !"  Can I just tell you....I may be Angelina in my head but the physical reality is more like Barney Rubble sporting some DD's!...so he sets up this fucking game and he hands me the remote and tells me to set up my player...can I just tell you...he spent 3 hours one night setting up his player..picking out his nose and hair and chest size and they really make the game look as real as possible and he is dead set on having his "avatar" look as much like him as possible and he now wants mine to look like me...but unless Winonna Judd is a choice on there..it ain't happening!...but I try. It's driving me crazy the go through every fucking detail imaginable...like the width of the eyebrow, lift of the tip of the nose..COME THE FUCK ON ALREADY and lets fucking play so I can get laid....So we start to play..he grabs his remote looks at me points and says "Pig"....and I am horrified.."Fuck you!" ..."NOOO...pig" and he points to the floor and he has set up my ceramic pig on the floor as a marker, a tee if you will, for me to have a visual and hit better...."Stand by the pig, it's the best place to get the best shot"... "Great, standing by the pig"...So I am standing there and I am trying to hit the ball...boobies...they are not great for golf and either is my perma-preg stomach, I look like I am eternally expecting...I am bending over and trying to see the fucking pig which I can't unless I bend waaay over ...and he is telling me "Keep your eye on the pig, just turn your arms, not your body...just your arms and swing...you don't need to twist your whole body...Babe, just your arms..your arms Babe...just your arms you don't need to bend like that Babe...use your arms"....If you say use my arms one more fucking time, you skinny fuck..I'm gonna  shove this controller right the fuck up your asshole sideways...is what I was thinking...but I say.."Babe" and then start to cry "I am too fucking big to swing my arms without moving my body and I can't see the fucking pig and I hate this game." "Oh stop, I'm sorry...come on...let's play"...Well I don't know about you, but I have no clue what the game of golf is all about...nor do I care...I am just "playing" cuz I am hanging with my man trying to get some.... so I am trying to be all sexified and squeeze my cleavage a little more while he is telling me how to play...I am thinking great opportunity for him to have a Patrick Swayze moment and "show" me how to stand and hold the "club"..but, umm, nope..he, in great detail, tells me what all the different symbols mean and how far back I need to put that circle thing and what club I should use and yadda yadda yadda...and I am truly trying my best...I don't think Barney Rubble golfed, do you? I am getting frustrated trying to use the correct stance and the fact my body won't let me is bringing me to the brink....and there he stands lining up his shot...asshole...He keeps telling me."you are okay, it's your fist time...you'll figure it out"...Figure it out?!!! it's a fucking wii game...maybe that's what I have to figure out...That I am not on a golf course...so the next time I'm up I hold the controller in one hand, fuck the pig..bring my arm back and swing and swooosh....right next to the fucking pin...like a hair away from a hole in one!!! he says "That's not the way you are supposed to hold it, it's not true golfing" "No shit Sherlock...it's wii!"....from that shot on I kept using my one handed method and shockingly I was good at it...caught right the fuck up to him and at one point I was doing better than him!!! Funny what happens when you start playing the game the way it was meant..like a fucking V  I  D  E  O  G  A  M  E  !!! I ended up being "2 over par" for the entire game...that is good, actually for the fist time and after hearing all the nasty games the Husband has played...2 under par is fucking fantastic!! So now, Brad...let's go to bed **wink, wink** ...I go into the room and get myself all situated waiting for him, finally gonna get me some....he is doing his before bed ritual stuff....I am so fucking tired from yelling and screaming at the deviants and then playing golf that 5 minutes after I lay on my pillow I can barely stay awake...the last thing I remember is him coming into bed and grabbing my boob...then it's 7:30 and Grace is whispering into my ear "Ma it's my birthday...I am 5.....do you want to say something?"  I try to flip my now petrified and screaming body and I say "Yes Grace...Tiger Woods is a twat"

                                         

Rock Lobster

Another end to another Sunday...got some shit accomplished...would have like to have gotten a lot more...but it is what it is at this point. My husband is a hard working do whatever it takes at all  costs to get the job done kind of worker...at his job. At  home.. he is a ...I said I'll do it, but if you keep bugging me about it you can forget about it until you scream at me, and I'll  get pissed that you would talk to me like a child so I will sit and play my golf game til I feel vindicated ...then I''ll do what you asked me to do... in secret... so later on when I feel like you owe me an apology and you don't because you think I didn't do what you wanted  I'll throw it in your face...kind of husband. But that's okay...I am a passive aggressive martyr that will keep it all in til I compile a big enough list in my head to score big... kind of wife. We are having a BBQ next week for my daughter's and friend's b-day and my back yard looks like an episode of Sanford and Son...there is so much crap back there it's beyond ridiculous. I was hoping to really make a dent today... we got some shit cut back, but really in the grand scheme of things there is a lot more to be done. He tells me I am expecting too much and there is no reason to have to do all that for a BBQ and it's never gonna look like the fucking Taj Mahal...which frankly is okay by me...I much prefer the look of an English Country House, thank you. I have to be grateful he did anything though...it is his only day off and he would much rather be in the living room playing his stupid Tiger Woods golf game while on speaker phone with his two brothers (we'll revisit that at a later time) than outside again in the heat working....but that being said ...  I would much rather be in a jacuzzi filled with Bon Bons, drinking coffee and  getting massaged by Ryan Gossling all whilst watching my soaps without the kids..but we all know that doesn't fly either. So in the heat he goes. I thought I would be a good supportive wife and try to help out spraying off the deck while the kids were in the kiddie pool...that didn't last long...he took over...so I had no choice but to sit my ass in the kiddie pool and hang with the girls. I gotta tell you...this kiddie pool thing isn't so bad. It cools me off, keeps the kids relatively in one place....don't have to chase the baby...so it pretty much works out to be somewhat relaxing! Relaxing... minus the 200 times I had to tell the kids " calm the fuck down or go to bed!"...and the dog that kept running away all day and the neighbors bringing her back to the yard and me sitting there poolside in my tank and cut offs for the whole world to see...oh, and minus the baby SHITTING on the deck.... and the flies that followed....and definitely minus the sunburn!! Relaxing. I got such a bad fucking sunburn today....right down to my boobs! I 'm  a redhead...you'd think I would have learned by now that sitting directly in the sun  high noon is not that great of a plan....... I have blisters and the chills and for some reason no one can walk past me tonight with out rubbing up against my shoulders...funny how that happens...wonder if it would be funny if the next person to graze my charred flesh got drop kicked through the wall? ...probably not so much.  So , for now..I'm gonna self medicate...Blue Bunny double chocolate ice cream cones...at least 3...just  to be sure...I should feel better by morning....if not...I have a hidden Chunky Bar in my drawer that is sure to do the trick!

333

I can remember the sound it made. It made a sound. Not everyone heard it.... I know I did..... The numbers were erratic. Up to 144 down to 70...up to 120 down to 60. It kept doing that for a few minutes....until it didn't. It hit 100 and just started to decline per second......until C L I C K...0. I remember looking up at everybody and just letting out this  horrible sound like I have never made before and have never made since....like it came from my soul, like my soul was pleading for this not to be true...How could it be? this was not supposed to happen, yet. But it was...and it did...no matter how much denial...it did. 333.....I looked up again...there was my whole family, the whole family and all of our respective "others"...all there leaning  on one another  looking in each other's eyes looking for one to say this was all a joke a bad bad joke. But  we were together...it amazes me how dysfunctional a family can be , talking shit about each other, fighting over petty bullshit differences...until something tragic happens...when something tragic happens we unite.We hold each other up like we never did before and you don't question who's gonna be there for you...family. She would have loved knowing we were all there together that day..that moment. Or she would have laughed at us..which in our family is a gesture of love....then she probably would have told us to shut the fuck up, General Hospital was on..go get me a cup of coffee and my cigarettes...oh  how I wish I could make her a cup of coffee right now...fresh pot, tall Burger King cup 2 sweet n lows and an ice cube. She did nothing with out her coffee...her life line...333.


   
  Mom was adopted...raised as an only child to Scandinavian parents....Danish and Norwegian....our culture, didn't matter if it wasn't running through our blood, we didn't know what was...but we were Danish and Norwegian, and Irish for my dad...The Danish culture was a huge part of our upbringing, my mother took great pride in the fact she was a great cook...especially of Scandinavian cuisine...she would travel to Denmark every year and bring back the best coffee and butter, oh man that fucking butter rocked! 333


 Mom was a force to be reckoned with, to say the least...she was a strong willed opinionated sometimes bitch, a lot of times bitch..but she was compassionate and loyal to a fault...and if she loved you... you knew it and if she hated you...you knew it...she loved  to hate people, love and hate were nearly the same to her...it was the people in the middle she didn't care for, didn't give a second thought to. when I was younger I used to get pissed...pissed at all the other kids she would sit and talk to for hours...help them with  a school paper, give them advice...drink and get drunk with them...I wanted that, I wanted her to be talking with me...she eventually did, when I was older and cooler...cool enough to sit with a cigarette and a  shot of akoviet...which was some sort of Danish, I believe, alcohol that would knock you on your fucking ass (I don't think I came close to spelling it right)...it would knock even the biggest baddest on their ass and you would think twice before you drank the shit again...but you always drank the shit again!! The late '80's and early '90's were set to the soundtrack of Bette Middler's Beaches and Prince's..well anything Prince...we would all sit around my table drinking and laughing and singing and just being wild and in the middle of it all the Ring Leader herself...my mom. When were were all drunk enough we would always do something stupid...like run around the block in our underwear or slide down the stairs head first on a sleeping bag which  was always the funniest, Mom wasn't a small woman so when she would throw herself down the stairs she would fly!!!and she would always say..."the bigger they are, the harder they fall"! 333

My favorite times with Mom were the quiet times , everyday when I would get home from school she would be sitting in the back of the house in her bed smoking her cigs and drinking her coffee and she would be watching General Hospital...and you had to shut the fuck up and only talk through the commercials...and that's what I did, would lay down next to her and watch the soaps, I can still feel her hand on my arm..she would just hold my arm while we would watch, God what I would do today to have her grab my arm with those chubby fingers with the long nails. On the weekends we would hang out at the table (the table is where pretty much everything  happened or was  found out about)...my favorite was the rainy weekends...we would get a package of baked clams,frozen, and heat them up  and sit at the table with a bottle of lemon juice and a deck of cards and eat clams and play rummy all day long...sometimes we would play for 12 hours and we wouldn't even notice it was that long until we ran out of cigarettes...we would sit and play and talk about everything and everybody...we would talk...I remember telling her about how everyday I was looking at the clock at exactly the same time, where ever I was I would look at the clock at exactly 3:33...I told her this was happening now for years..like 10 years...I told her how I believed something was going to happen to me at that time and she told me "shut the fuck up you dumb ass...you have just conditioned yourself to look at that time now" 333


  When I  became a mother myself is when I felt the closest to my mom...I was in the club... and I finally got it...understood, finally, all the things she would bitch about and we would look at her like she was crazy...we actually thought she was crazy for a while when she first started going through menopause...we went as far as
finding out it only took 3 signatures to have her committed! what assholes we were...so Now I understand it all...the craziness of it all ..the loneliness of it all...the ungratefulness of it all...I now know I can feel overwhelmed about being a mom and yell and scream and want to rip my hair out but it doesn't mean I am crazy or that I don't love my kids...it just is!...what sucks the most is that I can't tell her I get it now, now...8 years after you are gone I get it, finally! I understand you better today than any day we sat at the table together..I get it now...and I am sorry  you didn't get to hear those words from us..that you aren't here to see us going through all the same crazy shit you went through. God...it's been 8 years, today..and I feel like it was yesterday..I wish I could pick up the phone to tell you all the crazy shit that happened here just this week alone...OH MAN.. you would love what Sadie did to me yesterday...That bitch snuck out of bed in the morning and went walking around the house...she apparently found a nice little present left by the dog...I am assuming she wanted to show me her find...but she nearly shoved it in my mouth..sound asleep Mommy in her bed and a  1 1/2 year old  wielding  a hot piece of dog shit in her hand ready to shove it in my mouth!!!! Thank the Lord I have ninja like reflexes to smell!! Mom...I know you would have pee'd your pants when I told you that one!!.....It sucks more than anything  that you can't be with us, I feel robbed... my kids were robbed...you were robbed...but I feel you from time to time looking over my shoulder...making sure I don't fuck up too bad...I feel ya. And I know one day we will be together again and we will sit and eat baked clams and play cards and drink our coffee, one day. 333

    I can remember the sound it made. It did make a sound. Not everyone heard it.... I know I did..... The numbers were erratic. Up to 144 down to 70...up to 120 down to 60. It kept doing that for a few minutes....until it didn't. It hit 100 and just started to decline per second......until C L I C K...0. I remember looking up at everybody and just letting out this  horrible sound like I have never made before and have never made since....like it came from my soul, like my soul was pleading for this not to be true... then I heard the nurse....Time of Death 3:33

Just Go With The Flow...

I just finished watching SYTYCD...Love that show...been watching that show since it started, what... 8 seasons ago now? The girls are amazing this year... They had some really crazy shit this week...it amazes me how those girls can contort themselves like that....the spins and jumps are magical ...and those splits...in the air..on the floor..in some kid' face...in our face..those splits!! Those fucking splits!...those fucking splits piss me off actually. Those girls are barely wearing anything...you can pretty much see what they ate for lunch...those splits...they make them look so easy, like we should all be doing them because we are female...the last time I did a split was a few years ago for my kids. They were taunting me how I couldn't do one cuz... I 'm.. well..how did Ella word it?... Oh yeah... "You can't do one Mommy cuz your fat. huh.. well you are."....So I had to show the bitch up....but instead, I hurled myself onto the floor, popped my knee and then farted...which was the icing for the kids. Yep...those fucking splits. I wonder...these girls are committed to doing this series for a few months...wearing these barely there outfits...they gotta go on the rag sometime right? That must be awful...thrusting yourself directly into some guy's face while your kitty has a nosebleed...ack! .....I am not trying to be gross...cuz I usually don't have to try...but while we are on the subject...those girls have no idea what's in store for them and their hoo hahs! They might look all pretty now..where you don't have a care in the world heaving it at people...but one day, yes one day... you are gonna look down, if your lucky...some of us not so lucky and we need to use a mirror....you are gonna look at it and wonder what the fuck went wrong! Then you are gonna kick yourself for not using it more when it was still in it's original form....yes I said form...if you have kids you know what I mean...she aint so fucking pretty anymore...she's been around the block once or twice...... city blocks...and she's been around them and she's a bit haggard these days. Not unusable...do NOT mistake me there...just weary...but these girls will get there too. Let them pop out a few kids and see them fling their soggy box in some poor schmuck's face, LOL! Have a few kids....mature outta your 20's...your period is no longer a 3 day pre-sale...oh no! it's more like a mudslide in Japan...the things we have to endure because we were fortunate enough to not get the 'y' chromosome! It really isn't fair...men get to live life uninterrupted, yet we are committed to hard labor one week a month..it's like we are on parole for 40 years of our lives..or like a reserve in the Uterine Navy...it sucks...but some how our time commitment isn't enough, no...it has to progressively get worse with each passing decade...like someone decided "Make sure when she's in her mid thirties to make it ugly...yeah yeah, ugly..then when she clocks in for the month make her stay just unbearable...yeah yeah unbearable...make it forceful and give her cramps like she had when she was 16 so she wants to puke..hahaha and then make her give birth to things she might want to report to NASA, ha ha ha and then make the flow so heavy the only thing she can wear is a mattress between her legs so she waddles across the house!!!" Fuckers....it just sucks being female one week a month....guys don't know the half of it...and all them swear that they do...the equate being kicked in the balls to our 40 year sentence....how often does one get kicked in the nuts? unless your an extra in the America's Funniest  Home Videos montage...equal they do not. So men, until you line up  for Camp Ballsqueeze once a month for 4-7 days for the next 40 years... you don't have a clue...just like those girls...on So You Think You Can Dance.....No. I don't think I can dance.....But I do know how to go with the flow.

Vindication my ASS!

Well...it would seem all that blabber I did about Global Vindication was for naught! Woke up to a flippin frozen M-effin AC again! Yep...fuckin A frozen! So I'm going back to my original mechanical guesstimate and I'm saying it's the compressor! I called my husband and can you venture a guess as to what his response was? Yes, it sure the fuck was "I'll look at it when I get home"! To which I responded "Well you are fucking lucky I didn't waste your birthday present early!"........so yeah...back to rotting in the heat...kids seem to be in rotten moods, like all four of 'em are on the rag...just bickering about every little thing imaginable. "Maaa...she touched my pinky with her fork!" was the last squabble...I am so sick of this stupid game of them looking at each other and doing that I'm not touching you bullshit....so I chucked my flip flop at them and haven't heard from them in about 20 minutes. Calm down...it didn't hit them...just whizzed past their head close enough for them to get the hint that Mommy is no fucking mood for your shit right now.....she's hot! They'll re-emerge soon enough...this is their thing. They will waste half my day breaking up their wrestlemania and make me listen to their incessant whining of who is copying who and who's turn it is to pick the show and "she ate my cookie" and "she won't come to the bathroom with me!!" (which is one of my favorites...my sister used to make me sit on the bathtub and chit chat with her while she would take a shit, nasty..but then if I wanted company..nope...I was shitting solo...I was solo, solo...Jason Derullo (I can't get that fucking douche outta my head!))...ok, back on track... And then when they push me to my breaking point...they take cover...like some covert military operation...they take cover long enough for me to think the ambush is over...long enough for me to sit back and take a breath and calm my nerves, long enough for me to drop my guard...and in that time they get along like the best of friends, teammates really...like it's them against me...or better yet when I yell at one one of the other girls will swoop in as her protector and give me a look of disgust like 'how dare you yell at MY sister like that'..whatever! So yeah for now...they have retreated...they are actually sitting on the floor in their room playing Barbies, oh those poor poor Barbies, they are having nice little playtime...well...if you actually saw the way they were "playing" with the Barbies you'd think I was the head of some sick porn ring..I mean the things my 7 yr old makes her Barbies do...well let's just say her Barbies aren't getting into Heaven. Some of things she does with them I believe are illegal in a couple of states..She is umm..how do I put this...a whore, excuse me...she is not an actual whore persay but she probably will be. Hey...like I've said before...don't judge..I am just being realistic....she is gonna need to learn about protection a little earlier than most would like..but I'd much rather be the Mom who put her kid on birth control at 16 than be the Mom who's gonna  be a grandma at 45! You Moms out there must realize that your kids are gonna do the deed when they want whether they have your permission or not, right? We all did...did you guys have your Mom's permission?  I highly doubt it, unless you had my Mom and in that case you did have permission...and protection, LOL!!! Well...I'm just parenting the best way I know how...and it's more than likely not the right way or they way you would but it works for me and mine. When we were first married my husband and I spoke about all the things we wanted outta life and all the ways we would go about it...the top of our list then...and today....is honesty. Honesty with each other and with our kids...I tell my kids all the time..."No matter what it is or how bad it is tell me the truth, I may not like it..but I'll respect you for being honest and together we can fix it"...and if we can't fix it...we can always chuck a flip flop at it.... =o)
 

"For Global Vindication"...(my husband's,really.)

Okay...so here's how it all went down...

   Well, I  really need to preface this by telling you I am the biggest bitch there is when I am hot...not just cranky..but full out...balls to wall ...fucking "A" bitch! I inherited this from my Mom who was known for her bitchiness especially in the heat...and now I have managed to step right in where she left off...

 Okay, now..here's how it all went down...

              Earlier last week it started to feel a bit warmer in my house, nothing insane, but warmer. So I turned the ac on high...it was actually the first time I had to turn it on high cuz it's a pretty good ac and cools off the entire first floor of the house (and I say it like I have a second floor) The medium setting I usually use during the day and bring it back down to low at night...even during that disgusting end of the world heat wave we had the week prior I never had the need to turn it on high...so the fact that it was on high now made me a little concerned so..I mentioned it to my husband..."Babe..can you check the ac when you get home it seems to be running a little slow"... "Yup, No problem"... When he got home that first day he looked at it and said "It's fine" as he is standing there with his hand held up to the vent.... "Okay", I say.....The next morning it feels real muggy in my bedroom..which is usually a clear indicator it's gonna be a "screamer" (My kids know this to be a day I could kill)...I go out in the dining room to the ac to turn it back up to high and I notice that the outside of it is a bit wet (I should tell you there is no front panel on the outside of the ac, it never came in the house this year)So..it's a bit wet but still I turn it up in hopes it will work fine. As the day goes on it is getting hotter and I am starting to yell at my kids who have been torturing me with their petty little fights over the who gets to be player one on wii...and I am getting nastier and nastier and they just don't seem to let up, of course. I am now in the kitchen washing dishes (have I told you there is no dishwasher here?) and then there is a silence..the ac has shut itself OFF...OFF!!! WHHHAAAT....why are you off? I am yelling at the ac...I then notice the outside of the front panel has icicles on it...oh no fucking way is this piece of shit frozen I yell at the ac and then run immediately to the phone to call my husband who is most likely on the top of some roof in the thousand degree heat himself digging rancid sludge out of the gutters...when he answers I immediately go into a fit of rage about how unbelievably hot it is and how he can't imagine how hot it is and how unbearable life is when it is so fucking hot and I have four kids yelling and being bad and I have no way of leaving this house cuz I don't have a car and he is keeping me prisoner in this pressure cooker of a house and I can not take one more minute without ripping my own hair out and you have to do something NOW!!!! "Okay Babe, I'll look at it when I get home"... "Fine...look at it when you get home" i say to him in my snarkiest voice....now I have to sit in this yuck for the rest of the day and it is still relatively early and I don't  know when he'll be home...so I sit with my arms folded cursing everyone out in my head..they have no clue how hard it is to be me, is what I am thinking to myself. I don't want to open the windows cuz there is still some left over cool air from when it was working and if I open the window it's just gonna get hotter...so every time the kids are coming or going out of the house I am screaming "SHUT THE DOOR" "IN or OUT...PICK ONE" (God I have turned into Mom)...A couple of hours pass and I am doing a dish or two then I have to sit then come back and wipe the counters and sit all the while threatening my kids that I'll never feed them again if they open that fucking God damn door one more fucking time!!!! So, at this point...I have become a mechanic..I pride myself on the fact that I can understand some shit about how things work...perks of having a very handy husband...he's a jack of all trades....so I am looking at this thing and I come to the conclusion that it must be the compressor, of course..So I call my husband and tell him.."Babe...it's the compressor..the fucking compressor is shot and we need a new one...that's what it is...I told you when you put it in the fucking wall that it was the wrong ac anyway and you should have put in the other one and but you didn't cuz you didn't want to risk your balls being sucked into a strangulated hernia and now this one is broken and I am hot and sweaty and can not breathe it must close to 115 in here and it's just not fair and when you get home it would be wise to fix this piece of shit or put in the other one cuz I can no longer be held responsible for my actions or the words spewing outta my mouth!!!!"..."Okay, I'll take care of it when I get home"....."Sure ya will...just like ya took care of it yesterday.".....I now go over to this machine that I hate more than anything and I try to turn it back on...an it does!! Yeah...the frozen block of ice has melted enough to turn back on!!! I can tell though it is still labored and not working full steam, but hey..I got some cool air coming out!! So it's on for about 2 hours before the hubby gets home so by the time he walks in it is not 115 anymore and he walks over to it and puts his hand up to the vent, yet again, and says "it's working...but it maybe the compressor is going I have to take it out"....I say okay...now I'm off to work til midnight...in the ac...I leave it all up to him. That night when I get home I see the ac is still in the exact same condition I left it..frozen, but funny enough his wii remote is not (yes, I rig shit in here like the town chalks your tires..to see if they move)...That night,  I try to sleep...but it's hard to sleep when you are so hot  and sticking to the sheets...then a kid comes into the mix and she is breathing hot air onto my back...misery!... So by 10am the next morning my husband is receiving yet another cry for help, though it may have come across more like a threat of a divorce... "if this thing is not fixed once and for all..."...at this point the kids are begging him for mercy as well, they don't want to live with Sybil any longer, wimps. I am feeling like I should have dropped about 90 lbs from sweating in this sauna and enough is just enough,dammit! So when he gets home I speak to him in the language that all men can relate to..figuring I will get my ac fixed...no matter what it takes..."Baby, you gotta fix this thing, please please..you gotta fix it..I'll suck your..."well you get the jist!...c'mon...don't judge, I'm a desperate woman right about now...I'll be a slut if it means I can breathe again!... OK...after dinner. So after dinner I can not take it anymore so I go outside where the kids are and I climb my fat ass into the pool they have set up on the deck...the plastic Fisher price pool that is now filled to the brim with 6 kids and me...you wanna talk ghetto....It's bad enough that I have been flaunting myself around here wearing a tight tank top and a pair of cut off shorts that I have NO business wearing but the heat will make ya do crazy things...no I am floating in the kiddie pool and loving it! So the hubby is inside playing his Tiger Woods game instead of fixing the ac so of course I have to be a bitch and get snarky and mumble under my breathe loud enough for him to hear me but play dumb when he asks me "what did you say?"..but this works anyway cuz he puts down the controller and walks over to the ac to start tinkering with that and I go into the bedroom, sweating and start putting away a mound of clothes. After about an hour, I am outside again with my feet in the pool and he comes out and recounts to me how he tipped the ac and all this water came out and it sounded like it went on forever and then just when he thought it was emptied he started again and he had to go through the neighbor's to get to it and yadda yadda yadda every detail of this is backward and that thing is rusty and this and that for 15 minutes. So I say.."it's fixed?"..."Ummm...No..now I have to figure out what's wrong with it"...."well babe, why the fuck are you out here then?!!"... Which didn't go over well but I'm still not responsible for my rants all in the name of I'm hot. We go back inside and now I am just bitching to bitch and I am yelling at the kids to go to bed and I hear my husband say..."Babe, can you come here please" so I walk over to him with my hands on my hips "What now?"..... "You know how you are always trying to make the house smell better?" ..."yeah, what of it?".... "Well, can you look at that?" To which I look down at the ac that is in pieces on the floor and notice that a Downey Fabric Softner sheet apparently had been sucked into the ac after I had put it on top of the ac cuz the air from the ac would blow on the sheet spreading the sweet smell across the house, well now this sheet apparently got sucked in and blocked any air from blowing out of the ac making the condensation pool at the bottom of the ac which in turn froze... causing the ac to shut off.  So I hang my head in shame and sheepishly say "Baby, I love you." and he says "you know what you gotta do now".... And I say "yes" still hanging my head " Ok...go take a shower"..."OH NO!...changed the payment plan...now I am gonna give up my blow job,yep give up my mutha fucking bj and what you need to do now is go tell every one you bitch to in your sarcastic (you should know that I now get teased from every one about that) way and what you need to do is blog about what a tyrant you were and how wrong you were and how horrible you were and then tell every one I voluntarily gave up a bj for Global vindication, yes Global vindication and husbands every where that have sarcastic little ranting & raving lunatic wives that are not always right!!"....."ummm, ok!"....so here it is....Global vindication!! I was wrong and I caused my own torture and my husband is the best and hottest (wanted me to add that) man there is and now ALL 6 of my readers know he was right and I was wrong, so horribly wrong.....and he is.....well actually...he's wondering why he didn't ask for both!

40 Days, 40 Nights...

  40 days 40 nights...approximately....40 more days and then 40 more nights...THEN.  Then....then it will be time for them to go back to school!!!! If I didn't have 4 kids in back of me right now having a contest of who will Mom lose her mind on first, I would probably have a running count of the minutes and seconds as well...but who the hell can think of ANYTHING when all I want to  do is scoop  my own brain right outta my skull with a paring knife just to make the pain stop. I love my girls...I really, REALLY do...even if it doesn't come across here...I love them..I thank God they are mine and in my life and healthy and all that jazz....But there are days....ooohhh...there are days, that I just want to walk down to the local bar and down a pint of Jack Daniels and smoke a pack of Marlboro lights as a chaser (which, it's been a year since I quit smoking...today was the hardest to get through with out a cig!) then pass out in someone's bushes.   Better yet...here's what I'm gonna do...I'm gonna start walking after kids...anyone's kids, because it really doesn't matter much to me whose child it is cuz they're all pretty much guilty of the same shit...I'm gonna pick a kid and walk around after them all day long copying every fucking word they say and in a whinny mocking voice I'm gonna say over and over and over and over and over and over  "MAAAA she's copying me, MAAAA she's copying me...MAAA she's copying me" Then when that selected child has heard all that he/she can bear I'm gonna tip everything over in it's path like The Tasmanian Devil and next I'll make sure to get under it's feet where it can't see me in hopes it trips and hits it's hip bone on the corner of the table, just so I can hear it wail...then when said child tries to get some peace and starts to color I'm gonna scribble right the fuck over his master piece and when the kid cries after all my "normal child behavior" torture I'm gonna insist he feed me...but it has to be the most bizarre meal I can think of in that moment...and I will just smear,with my hands of course, the food all over my plate to make it look like I ate but in actuality all I really did was drop it all over the chair and floor surrounding me...and maybe I'll spill my milk, make sure it runs under the heating vent so that no one can see it until it smells like ass and is covered with ants! Then I will take my sticky little fingers and go through the entire house touching every surface, especially the sliding glass doors, and leave my food stained finger prints like a weird crusty saliva shellack and I may even throw a booger on the wall...just for shits and giggles...I will leave my mark, yes I will.....and just when I think that kid is gonna explode I'll say "oh, I'm sorry...I didn't know", "but I said I was sorry"....then when I hear the kid's dad pull into the driveway...I will quick as a flash grab a book sit on the couch and put on the sweetest little smile so when "Dad" walks in and"sees" for himself how "calm" things are he can turn to the kid and gesture "What?, everything looks fine here why did you call me in a panic begging for mercy while I was at work you know I'm busy at my JOB" (yes, can be gestured with one shrug and a roll of the eye)!

....Maybe I'll do that, one day....but I guess for now...for now...I'll have to take the torture like the rest of the Moms do and I'll take comfort knowing I am not alone..... Nope, I am not alone and at the end of the day when the brats are in bed...I will go into their rooms and look at them in their angelic slumber and I will look up and Thank God for sending me these beautiful little creatures and making me a mom...cuz really, my life would suck without them.