Dear John

  You know...there really isn't that I much I really ask of my kids, really. I ask them to clean up after themselves, HA HA...I ask them to not eat in their bedrooms...uh huh....be respectful, sometimes...and I always for the the last 7 years have asked everyone to please please puhleeze close the bathroom door! Which. They. Never. Do! The bathroom door has had to be shut the last 7 years since Ella was born cuz she's a toilet diver, meaning quite literally that she will throw anything in there and dive in for it! This started when she was able to walk, at 10 months, and only stopped when she was old enough to pass the torch to her sister Grace  who has now graciously (pun intended) passed it on to Sadiesaurous! I have had everything imaginable in my toilet...Little People, Mickey Mouse, Barbies, money, hairbrush, combs, shampoo, soap, rubber gloves, shoes, magazines, Easter Eggs (my own fault on that one though...why the hell the Easter Bunny couldn't hold it in!), pictures, pens and pencils, earrings, necklace, watches, wife beaters, sweat shirt, and a black sock (which cost me about $400 when my then landlord had to call someone in to find out the problem only to find a black sock from the bathroom upstairs,me!)...I can't even tell you the countless times Charlie has had to remove the entire clogged up stank toilet from the ground to expose the little hole on the bottom and drag out whatever got stuck....disgusting! A few years back we had company from Hawaii...my mother was meeting her birth mother for the first time and they came to stay with us at the time, right on cue my toilet was backed up when everyone woke up in the morning, first morning of a beautiful reunion with the backdrop of swirling turds in a pool of piss wafting  the sweet sweet smell of ammonia and shit throughout the apartment...now when ya wake up you gotta pee..no matter what...there is no time to call a plumber or your husband to come home before you gotta suck it up and just pee! Nothing says reunion better than community piss! Charlie got home asap unscrewed the entire toilet from the floor and dumped it, gag gag gag, into the gag-tub-gag, stuck his hand down the hole and scooped out Cinderella, Ariel, Belle and Sully from Monster's Inc! That was just plain gross! There is another reason I ask that the bathroom door be closed and her name is Jinx! That pooch is one of the grossest dogs ever! For what she lacks in size she makes up for in the disgusting department. She is one big fartbag and emanates  the most halituous  foul pollution and she is all of 6 pounds! She is also like a bloodhound and could probably have a career as a K-9, when she finds a "package" she drops on it and grinds all over it making sure to procure every last note of flavor from the pile of feral cat shit in the yard like it was a parfum sample in Cosmo! She does this with any kind of animal shit and/or piss, shrimp, slugs, snot or boogers in any form, and raw meats! Raw meats, you ask? Yes...she's a fucking garbage picker which brings me to why I don't want her furry ass in my bathroom! She eats the garbage in there....this is a family of 6 so I can assure you the bathroom garbage is not something you want to wake up to chewed in to little shitty bits on your bed! Have you ever had to clean up and dispose of a half devoured pungent used sanitary napkin your dog decided to feast upon in your bed? I have...and it wasn't MINE!!! I had an easier time with having my cat give birth in my hair (which I'll save for another time) than with picking up nasty clumpy bloody bits that were not mine...sorry about getting gross, but believe me when I tell you I really censored myself with that! I also prefer to have the bathroom door shut because I am not very fond of my pink tiled with rainbow brushed wall paper bathroom in the new house...worst part of this bathroom...TOILET SEAT! This toilet seat is a real bone of contention with me...it is see through! Yes, clear, see through with sea shells. I have 4 girls who should have been boys cuz they never flush and now with the translucent toilet it's like a turd aquarium in there! I am waiting for the day someone stumbles in there still half a slumber and sits and pees right on the lid cuz they thought the top was up! But, most likely it will be me! I would really like to know who in the fuck sat back in their chair and actually used brain cells to come up with that fantastic sales pitch! And the ass wipe that okay'd it! "Oh that sounds like a marvelous idea, Samuel! See through toilet seats! It just might turn out to be our best seller yet!" Cuz who the fuck doesn't want to watch their diarrhea smear a few laps around the bowl before being sucked into oblivion? Douches! And let's not even get started on the genius who thought it would be a great addition to the Pepto Powder room!


      So...this morning I was awoken by my oldest, Caleigh. "Ma.....Ma? Mom." "What's up Cay?" "Ummmm...something happened."  "What? Caleigh"  "Ummm...your hairdryer is in the toilet." "My what is where?!" "your hairdryer fell into the toilet. what should I do?"   "ummm, I dunno, Caleigh...bake a cake?!!...take it the fuck OUT!" "But there is pee in there!"..."okay...you still have to take it out."....."But there is poop in there too! can I flush it first?"  "DON"T FLUSH! not unless you want to be electrocuted by piss!"
 Man, I can't tell you how much that pissed me off...7am being told that the only hairdryer I have is now afloat in a sea of shit! She took it out of the toilet and threw it in my bathtub,lots of bleaching to do today, and bolts out the door for her bus. Now Mommy is awake and Mommy is pissed! I clomp my way down the hall and into the kitchen to heat up my beloved coffee and I notice a few pieces of paper on the floor, tissue like. No biggie, the girls all have the sniffles so nothing abnormal about tissue pieces being around until I head into the girls room to make the beds and finish getting them ready only to be greeted with chewed up toilet paper and wipes all over their beds and floor and in the corner a shivering dog looking at me and the asshole still has a piece of toilet paper stuck to her lip! This sends me into a fit of rage..."REALLY? REALLY JINX?! you asshole twat!" "Oh Mom" says Ella protective of the pooch "She's sorry!" "Oh, she's sorry she left shitty bits all over the house? she told you this?" "Look at her" as the kid lets the dog lick her face! BLACH!! I love animals, I really really  really do...but I have a sensory ocd issue and one thing I can not stand is when people let animals lick their face or mouth! Yuck! But there she sits protecting this mutt and letting the dog lick all over her face..."Umm, El? You do know that paper she chewed up all over was full of poop, right?"
"WHAT?!" as she skids the dog across the room away from her and better yet her face! "YEP!" I am now grinning ear to ear! " I tell you girls every single day your whole lives that you have to close the bathroom door. But NOOOO...you girls think I just say shit to hear myself talk! There are reasons I tell you to do things...and this one is so you don't have to deal with shit breath kisses and I don't have to pick up shredded shit!" "Sorry Mommy"...it amazes me how unaffected I have become to the word "sorry". "It's okay, but if I were you I'd go rewash my face before I walked into school smelling like hot garbage!"....I don't think she has ever done anything I told her on the first request...but today she jumped into that bathroom faster than lightening! She cleaned up the shitty slobber and off to school they went. Now I am cleaning up the house, doing my morning chores...Beds made, check. Load of wash in, check. Dishes in the sink, check. Shitty bits picked up, check! Hair dryer out of the tub and into the garbage, check and check! Charlie calls me to ask how the morning is going and if the girls got out today...."well they got out alive, so I guess their morning is okay, but mine sucked!" I told him all about it and the hair dryer and he says to me "Well I wouldn't use that hair dryer if I were you" "Ummm really? you wouldn't use the hair dryer that was submerged in our daughter's fecal matter? cuz it got wet?...well then...maybe I should go unplug it!"  "Okay, Wiseass...have a good day, I love you." "love you too Genius". I hang up the phone and try to get it back on the base, but it's hard when the battery pack is dangling because they lost not one but two backs to the cordless phones and I grab my US Weekly and head to the john for my turn! Good thing to come outta this debacle is that I get to use the facilities after they have been cleaned and bleached to perfection. I pull down the pants and go to sit down and slid right the fuck across the toilet and wail my hip into tub! Well, I guess clear plastic toilet seats aren't as strong as Samuel would hope, and mine picked today to disintegrate and spin my fat ass around the bathroom like I was on a Lazy Susan! Luckily I get paid today as my shopping list just got a lot longer..... 1 water/shit proof hair dryer, 1 small garbage pail with lid, one solid colored toilet seat....or maybe I should keep with the tackiness of the bathroom and get a fuzzy seat! 
 

Guess I'm Going To Hell....

So...I'm nowhere near being a religious person...I mean, I believe and all, I guess, but I also am under the impression if God is who people preach him to be then all is pretty much forgiven and I don't need to go to church and sit on a very uncomfortable wooden bench and give money to prove I believe...but that is just MY opinion and I sincerely hold no judgment towards people who believe any different even though those may judge me. I have four daughters and only two of them have been baptized....the first two I did together, my oldest was 4 her sister was 4 months. The other two haven't been baptized for no other reason than pure and utter laziness. The church tells me, although I have been a member of the congregation since 1996 I would have to come to church on a regular basis in order to schedule a baptism.....I can't commit to that, I don't have a car, I work til 2am on Saturday nights and plain and most simply...I am lazy as fuck and there is no way I am getting up that early on the one day of the week I can actually sleep past 9! The fact that the church tells me they want me to attend regular service on a consistent basis I interpret as "we want to make sure you are giving into the offering". I may be way off, but maybe I'm not. I have, however, sent 3 of my daughters through their pre-school at $192 a month ....but so be it, we will eventually figure it out and get it done, like all the rest of the shit in my life. But...what irks the eva living shit outta me is there are a few people who insist on telling me I am going to go to hell because my kids aren't baptized! Let's get something clear...when I go to hell...it will NOT be because of a lack of baptizims but rather an abundance of other "sins"!! Like, but not limited to:


     1.Envy...Fuck THAT...and Fuck you too if you think I am not jealous of your big house and beautiful car when I am sitting in a box with a schwinn! Hey, I don't care that YOU have it, and I am all about being happy for you that you do, especially if you earned it and it wasn't given to you  just cuz you were born.....but it doesn't mean I wouldn't want it for myself and at night when I am reading my magazines and see pictures of all the beautiful women with their amazing bodies...I am TOTALLY telling them to fuck off and wishing to God, yup Him, That He would give me some of what they have...it's totally not fair that they have beautiful hair, faces, bodies, men, houses, cars, bank accounts...so on and so on...Hey I think I am gonna do an "Occupy Hollywood" !
   
2. Wrath....well you can just ask my little monsters if I'm heading to hell for that one! I have a couple of episodes a day with wrath! Or you could ask anyone that has ever been a passenger when I drive!


3.Greed...I guess if it applies to like halloween candy or cookies...I always have the most! Or better yet, hand me downs...I am forever taking hand me downs from who ever offers...and I really don't need anymore but I take them so I can have a lot of shit for my girls that I can not afford to buy them so I take more and more bags hoping to find some really nice clothes, greedy? probably. Hoarder, most definitely!


4.Sloth-yup...lazy as fuck, like I said above! But I must clarify one important thing...I am lazy when it comes to ME...but as a mom and housewife I kick ass! Just yesterday I worked til 2 am the night before then when I woke up I did 7 loads of wash, vacuumed, swept all the floors washed and made all 5 beds, did a sink full of dishes, bleached the kitchen and bleached the bathroom...BEFORE 1:30pm...then I took a 2 hour break in which I sat on my ass and ate a box of chicken tenders...then I did homework with the kids , cooked a full meal then left to go to work til midnight! That's not lazy...but when I don't have a chore to do I can sit and stare at NOTHING for hours at a time!


5.Gluttony- can ya say HELL to the YEAH! I am a gluttonous pig! I actually just finished an entire box of Fridays appetizers, by myself...and I feel like I am going to burst...I didn't need to eat the whole box, especially because not even  an hour before I inhaled 3 cereal bars (fiber and fruit = healthy) and this morning for breakfast I had whole wheat english muffins, the healthy kind, but not so healthy when you eat them in groups of four! And when I got home from work at 1 this morning I reheated left overs TWICE because the first plate of kielbasa and cabbage isn't enough at 1 in the morning!


6.Lust- well I do have four kids! And despite the picture you must have of my fat ass from the above sin I actually do enjoy doing the nasty..a LOT, and although I am a plump girl..behind closed doors with my man I am Jenna Jamison (well...unless I have inhaled 2 plates of kielbasa and cabbage before bed!) and the older I get and more secure with who I am...well, let me just as tactfully as I can put it, say I am GREAT at what I do and have thought that if my body came in a different package I should get paid for my services!


7.Pride- well, I think my last comment covered that!


   So yeah...I am guessing I may be going to hell, but it won't because my kids aren't baptized! And until that time comes I am going to fuck my brains out in my unmade bed several times a week and follow it up with boxes of leftover chicken at 1 in the morning and proudly chastise my kids with the most vile profanities I can hurl if they so much as try to get a bite and then wish I could be like Angelina Jolie who can afford 6 nannies and gets to fuck Brad Pitt!