So...I'm nowhere near being a religious person...I mean, I believe and all, I guess, but I also am under the impression if God is who people preach him to be then all is pretty much forgiven and I don't need to go to church and sit on a very uncomfortable wooden bench and give money to prove I believe...but that is just MY opinion and I sincerely hold no judgment towards people who believe any different even though those may judge me. I have four daughters and only two of them have been baptized....the first two I did together, my oldest was 4 her sister was 4 months. The other two haven't been baptized for no other reason than pure and utter laziness. The church tells me, although I have been a member of the congregation since 1996 I would have to come to church on a regular basis in order to schedule a baptism.....I can't commit to that, I don't have a car, I work til 2am on Saturday nights and plain and most simply...I am lazy as fuck and there is no way I am getting up that early on the one day of the week I can actually sleep past 9! The fact that the church tells me they want me to attend regular service on a consistent basis I interpret as "we want to make sure you are giving into the offering". I may be way off, but maybe I'm not. I have, however, sent 3 of my daughters through their pre-school at $192 a month ....but so be it, we will eventually figure it out and get it done, like all the rest of the shit in my life. But...what irks the eva living shit outta me is there are a few people who insist on telling me I am going to go to hell because my kids aren't baptized! Let's get something clear...when I go to hell...it will NOT be because of a lack of baptizims but rather an abundance of other "sins"!! Like, but not limited to:
1.Envy...Fuck THAT...and Fuck you too if you think I am not jealous of your big house and beautiful car when I am sitting in a box with a schwinn! Hey, I don't care that YOU have it, and I am all about being happy for you that you do, especially if you earned it and it wasn't given to you just cuz you were born.....but it doesn't mean I wouldn't want it for myself and at night when I am reading my magazines and see pictures of all the beautiful women with their amazing bodies...I am TOTALLY telling them to fuck off and wishing to God, yup Him, That He would give me some of what they have...it's totally not fair that they have beautiful hair, faces, bodies, men, houses, cars, bank accounts...so on and so on...Hey I think I am gonna do an "Occupy Hollywood" !
2. Wrath....well you can just ask my little monsters if I'm heading to hell for that one! I have a couple of episodes a day with wrath! Or you could ask anyone that has ever been a passenger when I drive!
3.Greed...I guess if it applies to like halloween candy or cookies...I always have the most! Or better yet, hand me downs...I am forever taking hand me downs from who ever offers...and I really don't need anymore but I take them so I can have a lot of shit for my girls that I can not afford to buy them so I take more and more bags hoping to find some really nice clothes, greedy? probably. Hoarder, most definitely!
4.Sloth-yup...lazy as fuck, like I said above! But I must clarify one important thing...I am lazy when it comes to ME...but as a mom and housewife I kick ass! Just yesterday I worked til 2 am the night before then when I woke up I did 7 loads of wash, vacuumed, swept all the floors washed and made all 5 beds, did a sink full of dishes, bleached the kitchen and bleached the bathroom...BEFORE 1:30pm...then I took a 2 hour break in which I sat on my ass and ate a box of chicken tenders...then I did homework with the kids , cooked a full meal then left to go to work til midnight! That's not lazy...but when I don't have a chore to do I can sit and stare at NOTHING for hours at a time!
5.Gluttony- can ya say HELL to the YEAH! I am a gluttonous pig! I actually just finished an entire box of Fridays appetizers, by myself...and I feel like I am going to burst...I didn't need to eat the whole box, especially because not even an hour before I inhaled 3 cereal bars (fiber and fruit = healthy) and this morning for breakfast I had whole wheat english muffins, the healthy kind, but not so healthy when you eat them in groups of four! And when I got home from work at 1 this morning I reheated left overs TWICE because the first plate of kielbasa and cabbage isn't enough at 1 in the morning!
6.Lust- well I do have four kids! And despite the picture you must have of my fat ass from the above sin I actually do enjoy doing the nasty..a LOT, and although I am a plump girl..behind closed doors with my man I am Jenna Jamison (well...unless I have inhaled 2 plates of kielbasa and cabbage before bed!) and the older I get and more secure with who I am...well, let me just as tactfully as I can put it, say I am GREAT at what I do and have thought that if my body came in a different package I should get paid for my services!
7.Pride- well, I think my last comment covered that!
So yeah...I am guessing I may be going to hell, but it won't because my kids aren't baptized! And until that time comes I am going to fuck my brains out in my unmade bed several times a week and follow it up with boxes of leftover chicken at 1 in the morning and proudly chastise my kids with the most vile profanities I can hurl if they so much as try to get a bite and then wish I could be like Angelina Jolie who can afford 6 nannies and gets to fuck Brad Pitt!
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