Shitty Morning

ok..if there were ever a day when I should just crawl back to bed and hide from it all, it's today...so far today I, after waking up 15 minutes late, find that the garbage men dropped some garbage at my curb..and instead of being decent & try to grab it back up they left it and about 20 seagulls found it and started to brawl and tore the shit up and are dispersing it throughout my high strung neighborhood....they are being particularly generous with the neighbor to my right who every time a leaf falls in his yard he runs out with gloves, a bucket and broom...now he has my bathroom garbage and a pull up in his bushes! Instead of me being a big girl and just dealing with it, I have to have a shit fit. I was feeling ill before I even got out of bed...being a woman sucks at times...but seeing my leftovers spilled all over the side walk and feminine hygiene products dangling on my neighbors bush makes this already cranky bitch a psychotic bitch! Of course I can not let this go without some one else sharing in my misery...so I call the hubs and yell at him for not securing the garbage the right way, again. This is a legitimate gripe, and it is not the first time and I am sure, knowing my husband, not the last...but there's a way to complain about something that you know you are right in and then there's the I am a fucking bitch and hate everyone because there is a three ring circus going on inside my uterus so everyone else must feel my wrath kind of complaining. didn't go so well. I owe him an apology...later. I decide today would be the perfect day to start implementing an allowance with the kids..so I give Ella a pair of gloves and a bag and a $5 bill and shove her out the door to clean the mess! Don't judge...you know how much shit I deal with with her? She can clean some leftover food off the street and pick up pull ups! I tell her to put it in the can on the side of the house, I'll meet you at the other door, which I do.... only to find that raccoons have pilfered through that as well and there is garbage all over! Garbage, mind you, from last week..and why the fuck is there still garbage on the side of the house anyway...didn't the garbage men come today? Why wasn't this put out then???? The hubs got another phone call...I'll have to apologize for that too... later. With all of the garbage cleaned up it's time to get sandwiches and backpacks done...but no wait... our dog Chaz decides today is the perfect day to have the runs! At least I know he tried to get out in time, I can tell by the long streak of yellow shit leading to my back door! I grab him and throw him outside & now I have to wait and watch this poor dog nearly pop a hemorrhoid as he is scooting across the yard staring at me wondering why I am watching him. The answer to that is because we do not have a fence, so as soon as he is done he will bolt and today is not the day for that! The dog is taking too long, I have to get the kids to school....yet there he is scooting across the backyard  with this pathetic look on his face. He finally scoots close enough for me to see that he has a turd stuck to a strand of hair dangling out of his fucking asshole! Fuck!  Wow, I am the lucky little fucker who gets to pull it out, because if I don't he will find a way to get it out that most likely will have something to do with my bed...so I find a leaf and there I go trying to get him to stop so I can grab it. But, the dog is like what the fuck are you doing shoving a leaf  in my ass? and he jumps away from me which causes the dangling turd to swing out of his ass landing ever so gently on my arm...oh forgot to mention I'm the asshole standing outside with no bra and a t-shirt freezing to death...so his hairy turd landed on my BARE arm! Vomit. I get him into the house and now I am down to 10 minutes to get everyone finished and packed and to school. Sadie, who did not sleep well last night, decides this would be the perfect day to sleep in, of course...so I have to fight with her to wake up, literally fight, she whacked me in the eye and the lens of my glasses went flying out and I have to crawl across my floor to find it, which I did...ya wanna know what else I found? I found that I must have stepped in shit outside while on my turd chase, and now I have walked all over my bedroom and now I am crawling in what? say it with me...smeared dog shit! Yep, really! All over my hand and knees! This warrants another call to the hubs, but got no time for that...I'll yell at him ...later.  Clean myself off, finish brushing the girls' hair and out the door we go-oh yeah it fucking snowed and I didn't start my car and let it warm up and I have a block of ice at the bottom of my windshield...but no worries I can see above it..we are that late..no time to wait. We get in and guess what? my window was open about 3 inches all night and now my seat is soaking wet! I slop my fat ass down anyway, no time to grab a towel...and of course my ass acts like a squeegee and soaks every bit of water off the seat and stores it in my  ass crack and underwear! Fantabulous! Off we go...I am driving on my tippy toes trying to see out of the window, pull into the school...kids are only 10 minutes late. Not too bad considering all  of this morning's shit, literally. They get out, I say my goodbyes, and pull away. I get to the first corner to turn home, and instead of the regular crossing guards there are 2 cop cars sitting there with 2 cops directing traffic...usually no big deal..until today. Today I turn the corner and I as I do this directly in front of 2 police officers, my sliding passenger door lives up to it's name and sllliiiiddddes open to reveal my 3 year old sitting there picking her nose. I have to pull over immediately and get out to fix the problem, which really is that my car is a piece of shit and the door decides when it will work...I am trying to get around the car fast because I see one of the officers walking towards us and I desperately do not want him to see that on top of nearly dumping my kid out of the side of the car I also have a large crack right the fuck across my windshield ...so I am trying to slam the door shut and the officer comes over and says "Ma'am is there a problem?" " No sir, my door didn't shut all the way when I dropped off my kids at school, sorry." he says "No worries, I see she is strapped in securely, have yourself a nice day...go home and get warmed up......and put on some dry pants." OMG! totally forgot about my squeegee pants! Have you ever looked at an elephants ass? I mean, seriously looked at an elephants ass? Then you know exactly what my ass looked like in front of those 2 police officers..and the guy walking his dog, and the woman getting her paper and the landscapers about to get started on a house! My big fat wet elephant ass for everyone to gawk at! Fabulous! All I could muster back was a "eh eh eh yeah"..because had what I was actually thinking come out of my mouth I probably would have been arrested. In hindsight that might not have been a bad deal...I would have at least gotten my meals made for me and a place to nap! I am home now. The dog is all shitted out and asleep, Sadie is watching her morning shows, all the garbage has been cleaned and shit removed from all floors, arms hands and knees and I am about to crawl back into bed and I have to call the hubs to apologize....sometime later.