Okay...so here's how it all went down...
Well, I really need to preface this by telling you I am the biggest bitch there is when I am hot...not just cranky..but full out...balls to wall ...fucking "A" bitch! I inherited this from my Mom who was known for her bitchiness especially in the heat...and now I have managed to step right in where she left off...
Okay, now..here's how it all went down...
Earlier last week it started to feel a bit warmer in my house, nothing insane, but warmer. So I turned the ac on high...it was actually the first time I had to turn it on high cuz it's a pretty good ac and cools off the entire first floor of the house (and I say it like I have a second floor) The medium setting I usually use during the day and bring it back down to low at night...even during that disgusting end of the world heat wave we had the week prior I never had the need to turn it on high...so the fact that it was on high now made me a little concerned so..I mentioned it to my husband..."Babe..can you check the ac when you get home it seems to be running a little slow"... "Yup, No problem"... When he got home that first day he looked at it and said "It's fine" as he is standing there with his hand held up to the vent.... "Okay", I say.....The next morning it feels real muggy in my bedroom..which is usually a clear indicator it's gonna be a "screamer" (My kids know this to be a day I could kill)...I go out in the dining room to the ac to turn it back up to high and I notice that the outside of it is a bit wet (I should tell you there is no front panel on the outside of the ac, it never came in the house this year)So..it's a bit wet but still I turn it up in hopes it will work fine. As the day goes on it is getting hotter and I am starting to yell at my kids who have been torturing me with their petty little fights over the who gets to be player one on wii...and I am getting nastier and nastier and they just don't seem to let up, of course. I am now in the kitchen washing dishes (have I told you there is no dishwasher here?) and then there is a silence..the ac has shut itself OFF...OFF!!! WHHHAAAT....why are you off? I am yelling at the ac...I then notice the outside of the front panel has icicles on it...oh no fucking way is this piece of shit frozen I yell at the ac and then run immediately to the phone to call my husband who is most likely on the top of some roof in the thousand degree heat himself digging rancid sludge out of the gutters...when he answers I immediately go into a fit of rage about how unbelievably hot it is and how he can't imagine how hot it is and how unbearable life is when it is so fucking hot and I have four kids yelling and being bad and I have no way of leaving this house cuz I don't have a car and he is keeping me prisoner in this pressure cooker of a house and I can not take one more minute without ripping my own hair out and you have to do something NOW!!!! "Okay Babe, I'll look at it when I get home"... "Fine...look at it when you get home" i say to him in my snarkiest voice....now I have to sit in this yuck for the rest of the day and it is still relatively early and I don't know when he'll be home...so I sit with my arms folded cursing everyone out in my head..they have no clue how hard it is to be me, is what I am thinking to myself. I don't want to open the windows cuz there is still some left over cool air from when it was working and if I open the window it's just gonna get hotter...so every time the kids are coming or going out of the house I am screaming "SHUT THE DOOR" "IN or OUT...PICK ONE" (God I have turned into Mom)...A couple of hours pass and I am doing a dish or two then I have to sit then come back and wipe the counters and sit all the while threatening my kids that I'll never feed them again if they open that fucking God damn door one more fucking time!!!! So, at this point...I have become a mechanic..I pride myself on the fact that I can understand some shit about how things work...perks of having a very handy husband...he's a jack of all trades....so I am looking at this thing and I come to the conclusion that it must be the compressor, of course..So I call my husband and tell him.."Babe...it's the compressor..the fucking compressor is shot and we need a new one...that's what it is...I told you when you put it in the fucking wall that it was the wrong ac anyway and you should have put in the other one and but you didn't cuz you didn't want to risk your balls being sucked into a strangulated hernia and now this one is broken and I am hot and sweaty and can not breathe it must close to 115 in here and it's just not fair and when you get home it would be wise to fix this piece of shit or put in the other one cuz I can no longer be held responsible for my actions or the words spewing outta my mouth!!!!"..."Okay, I'll take care of it when I get home"....."Sure ya will...just like ya took care of it yesterday.".....I now go over to this machine that I hate more than anything and I try to turn it back on...an it does!! Yeah...the frozen block of ice has melted enough to turn back on!!! I can tell though it is still labored and not working full steam, but hey..I got some cool air coming out!! So it's on for about 2 hours before the hubby gets home so by the time he walks in it is not 115 anymore and he walks over to it and puts his hand up to the vent, yet again, and says "it's working...but it maybe the compressor is going I have to take it out"....I say okay...now I'm off to work til midnight...in the ac...I leave it all up to him. That night when I get home I see the ac is still in the exact same condition I left it..frozen, but funny enough his wii remote is not (yes, I rig shit in here like the town chalks your tires..to see if they move)...That night, I try to sleep...but it's hard to sleep when you are so hot and sticking to the sheets...then a kid comes into the mix and she is breathing hot air onto my back...misery!... So by 10am the next morning my husband is receiving yet another cry for help, though it may have come across more like a threat of a divorce... "if this thing is not fixed once and for all..."...at this point the kids are begging him for mercy as well, they don't want to live with Sybil any longer, wimps. I am feeling like I should have dropped about 90 lbs from sweating in this sauna and enough is just enough,dammit! So when he gets home I speak to him in the language that all men can relate to..figuring I will get my ac fixed...no matter what it takes..."Baby, you gotta fix this thing, please please..you gotta fix it..I'll suck your..."well you get the jist!...c'mon...don't judge, I'm a desperate woman right about now...I'll be a slut if it means I can breathe again!... OK...after dinner. So after dinner I can not take it anymore so I go outside where the kids are and I climb my fat ass into the pool they have set up on the deck...the plastic Fisher price pool that is now filled to the brim with 6 kids and me...you wanna talk ghetto....It's bad enough that I have been flaunting myself around here wearing a tight tank top and a pair of cut off shorts that I have NO business wearing but the heat will make ya do crazy things...no I am floating in the kiddie pool and loving it! So the hubby is inside playing his Tiger Woods game instead of fixing the ac so of course I have to be a bitch and get snarky and mumble under my breathe loud enough for him to hear me but play dumb when he asks me "what did you say?"..but this works anyway cuz he puts down the controller and walks over to the ac to start tinkering with that and I go into the bedroom, sweating and start putting away a mound of clothes. After about an hour, I am outside again with my feet in the pool and he comes out and recounts to me how he tipped the ac and all this water came out and it sounded like it went on forever and then just when he thought it was emptied he started again and he had to go through the neighbor's to get to it and yadda yadda yadda every detail of this is backward and that thing is rusty and this and that for 15 minutes. So I say.."it's fixed?"..."Ummm...No..now I have to figure out what's wrong with it"...."well babe, why the fuck are you out here then?!!"... Which didn't go over well but I'm still not responsible for my rants all in the name of I'm hot. We go back inside and now I am just bitching to bitch and I am yelling at the kids to go to bed and I hear my husband say..."Babe, can you come here please" so I walk over to him with my hands on my hips "What now?"..... "You know how you are always trying to make the house smell better?" ..."yeah, what of it?".... "Well, can you look at that?" To which I look down at the ac that is in pieces on the floor and notice that a Downey Fabric Softner sheet apparently had been sucked into the ac after I had put it on top of the ac cuz the air from the ac would blow on the sheet spreading the sweet smell across the house, well now this sheet apparently got sucked in and blocked any air from blowing out of the ac making the condensation pool at the bottom of the ac which in turn froze... causing the ac to shut off. So I hang my head in shame and sheepishly say "Baby, I love you." and he says "you know what you gotta do now".... And I say "yes" still hanging my head " Ok...go take a shower"..."OH NO!...changed the payment plan...now I am gonna give up my blow job,yep give up my mutha fucking bj and what you need to do now is go tell every one you bitch to in your sarcastic (you should know that I now get teased from every one about that) way and what you need to do is blog about what a tyrant you were and how wrong you were and how horrible you were and then tell every one I voluntarily gave up a bj for Global vindication, yes Global vindication and husbands every where that have sarcastic little ranting & raving lunatic wives that are not always right!!"....."ummm, ok!"....so here it is....Global vindication!! I was wrong and I caused my own torture and my husband is the best and hottest (wanted me to add that) man there is and now ALL 6 of my readers know he was right and I was wrong, so horribly wrong.....and he is.....well actually...he's wondering why he didn't ask for both!
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