It's Been A While...

Hey....umm, so yeah...it's been since like January since I've posted anything on here....I think I have lost my mojo, my funny sucked outta me by the vacuum of life. I have tried to sit and write...but get maybe two paragraphs out and say fuck it, that was stupid...and I erase it. So many things have happened over the last year I guess it is just too much to catch up on, so I let myself be defeated...by myself! I have had many people tell me I should post again, not trying to sound like a blogging superstar or anything but I think I had a few of my own groupies!! My favorite groupie being my good friend Sandy...she always boosted my ego after a post, telling me how "deliciously hysterical" I was....this was the biggest compliment I could have gotten because to me, and many many other people, Sandy was the funniest person around. She was funny naturally, just everything she said made you either giggle or pee your pants...and that was when she wasn't even trying!! Sandy was just special. She was like a big sister to me...She was my older sister's friend...well, Karen brought her to us but then Sandy became a family friend. An older sister I could tell my secrets to when I felt my own sister would make fun of me (which she did a lot!! family trait!) Sandy was the first one I told when I got my first period....I had been wadding up bunches of Bounty paper towels and shoving them in my pants because I was waaaaay too embarrassed to tell my mom or sister because they would have made jokes about it or ribbed me til I wanted to curl up and die!! that's just how my family works, in a good way...now that I am in my 30's I can see it in a good way, out of love...but at 13 getting my period didn't want to endure their kind of "love"! So Sandy came over that night and after my sister went down to get   some ice tea for the two of them Sandy leaned over to me and said "What's up with you...you're looking a little blue."....I wish you guys knew her cuz you would know that you never really heard Sandy's true voice, everything was always said in a cutsey voice a voice that at times grated on your nerves, but other times...like when you are feeling blue, was just the right inflection to pick you up.... So I told her that I got my dreaded period but had no pads. She asked if I told anyone else and I said I was too embarrassed. She immediately got up and went out and jumped into her super large white Bronco, with the air horn of course, and ran down to the store and bought me my first bag of Always, explained how to use it and promised to not spill the beans to anyone! Which she never did. A couple of years later she was the fist one to teach me to drive. Well...she was the first one brave enough to let a 15 yr old jump behind the wheel of her car and attempt to drive it around the block! I was doing okay too...until another car was approaching in thew opposite direction and Sandy let out a scream and her cutsey voice became her terrified voice and I freaked and jumped the curb and dragged someone's sprinkler about 15 feet across their lawn and gouged huge chunks of beautifully manicured lawn into a ball under the tire! Sandy turns and screams "Get out, get the fuck out!!" So I do...she runs over and tries to quickly replace the chunks of grass and gently places the running sprinkler on top of a chunk and runs back to the car laughing her ass off and yells "Get in and lets get the fuck out of dodge!!" I will never ever forget the look on her face or the sight of that sprinkler tinkering on that chunky hill of grass or the sound of her laughing so hard she nearly pee'd! Sandy was just the type of person who was up for anything at a moments notice.....if there was a thunderstorm coming she would drive past the house pick you up and drive right on to the beach in her Bronco and watch the lightning over the ocean...to this day I love thunderstorms and ALWAYS think of Sandy when I hear one! After many years of hanging out at my house and summers working in the airport with me and my mom Sandy went on and busted her ass and made it through the police academy, I remember it being the hardest thing ever for her...but Sandy being the person she is pushed through and laughed the whole time and became Officer Sandy!!  Sandy has a gun?!?!?! Shocking, but true...and she was a great cop....but Sandy was an even greater mother to her 3 boys. That was her favorite thing...being called Mommy..and she was soooo good at it and thoroughly enjoyed every minute of it...even through the pain of a horrible divorce from a dickhead husband who treated her like shit, Sandy enjoyed her boys. All she was talking about was having just retired and being able to spend the summer playing with her boys. There are so many great and happy things I can sit here and tell you about my dear friend Sandy...but regrettably there is one major sad fucked up thing to tell you about Sandy as well.....Sandy passed away this past June 19, she suffered a major heart attack at the very young age of 42...never being able to play with her boys this summer or run off to the beach to chase a thunderstorm like she promised me we would...we had lots of plans for this summer that unfortunately will have to remain as memories...but I have to hold up to a promise I made to her on one of our last phone calls...I promised I would write again, something about the kids being crazy were her favorites.....I always keep my promises...so this one's for you San.....

     Too many mornings this summer I have been awoken by a screeching 2 year old with a leaky pull up. When I say too many, I really mean every morning after I have worked til midnight and the hubs has been left with the girlies,  I wake up to either pee in my bed, pee on a chair, pee on the sofa or pee on the floor and this year it is NOT the dog!! I have repeatedly asked my handsome, but lethargic, hubby to please not give her anything to drink before bed and to please check the pull up right before she goes down....he swears on all that is holy that he does these things, but for some odd reason these pull ups always leak on Tuesday, Wednesday and Saturdays! (For those who can't decipher, those are the days I work!) Another odd thing about Tuesday, Wednesday and Saturdays...Mr Lethargico and I always bicker! Odd indeed. This morning was one of the worst wake ups....hot pee leaking down my back! Sadie snuggled up next to me in her saturated pull up and the flood gates exploded all over me...I have to admit...I was so damn tired from work last night that I almost tried to ignore it and tried to picture myself basking in a hot tub with a martini in hand and Ryan Gosling in my lap and continue to get my zzz's but that was ended with a SPLAT! Sadie ripped off her pee-logged pull up and literally splattered across my neck and says "Mommy I wet."!! Wanna see a fat lady leap? Slap a pee soaked anything on my back and I become an Olympic Pole Vaulter! Now, in hind sight...that was probably the best part of my day. I feel like all  I have been doing is  nothing but screaming at the top of my lungs since the beginning of July, but soooo much today!! Sometimes to the point where I can actually taste blood. TASTE BLOOD!! This is not normal people. I have always been a screamer,unfortunately,...I hate it about myself..HATE IT! I feel like a bad person because I can not control my screaming tendencies...and I do try to control my screaming...but ya know, sometimes these little fuckers get so out of control there is nothing to do BUT scream!! I have begged, pleaded, got down to their level to see eye to eye and did the nicey nice, rationalized, used reverse psychology, time outs, the naughty chair, threatened to get Super Nanny...I have did it all...but they do not respond to anything other than a mother who screams like a fucking banshee with drool and my eyes popping out. And I am not exaggerating!! I can remember being a kid and my dad would scream at us for something and I can actually remember thinking to myself how crazy stupid he looked with his crazy face and slobber...well guess what? I too have crazy face and slobber, actual slobber! And I don't have to be screaming...All I have to do is get a little heated or excited and all of a sudden I am a slobbering buffoon when I try to speak...disgusting! And I see the look on my kids face's...it is not a look of "Oh shit mom is mad". Nope. It's a look of "look at her crazy face and slobber!"!! And they walk off and go back to doing what it was that made me scream in the first place! Funny thing is...more often than not the reason I am screaming is because they are brawling like idiots over something ridiculous like who gets to sit on the left side of the couch...and after trying to break it up nicely I turn into a screaming spitting lunatic and then poof! They become best buds and walk off into the sunset! It's like they are thinking "Yes! we got her crazy out, our job is done." and I am left with a headache, sore bloody throat, wet chin and the aftermath of their fight to clean! and I do...I clean it up all the while thinking of what a horrible terrible person I am because I screamed at my beautiful girls and how much I hate myself for not being the perfect sweet toned Snow White mom! But...I am starting to think this is their master plan! Make mom bat shit crazy so she feels like she is the one wrong so we can gallop on to our next mess and eat everything in the house on our way!! HA HA HA, Mom will never catch on! It could be their plan. But...til I get some proof I am just gonna have to keep working on improving myself. Which is a daily struggle...always trying to figure out what I am doing wrong and how I can do it better... to be better...especially when there are so many people I know that could benefit from doing the same thing but they believe they are perfect...still I try to be better, for me, for my hubs and mostly for my girls...cuz even if it is the little deviants' plan to make me bat shit crazy...I'm getting tired of the taste of my own drool.