Where's My Sanka!!!

When I was a kid my Dad was, well he is still, a very active member of the local Elks Lodge...when I was a teenager he was their catering manager and would cook for all the affairs they had in their Hall. I used to go down to the Elks and help him anyway I could...coat room for big parties and weddings, can I tell you at 13 I used to make about $300 in one night HANGING COATS!! Then, they had this monthly dance that met every second Tuesday of the month called The Widow/Widowers Dance. For this dance I wouldn't hang coats...I would waitress, at 16 I would make about $100 for the night bringing out donuts and tea, not a bad gig AT ALL! There were only a few annoyances of the job... The old creepy guys at tables 1, 3, 4, 6, and 9 that used to slap my ass when I would pour their coffee, or ask me to sit in their lap, or try to slip me their numbers (LOL) 2. The dishwashers...totally wanted them to like me, twins, they never did! and 3. All the people at this dance would always bitch about Sanka!! "Where's my Sanka? I can't drink regular coffee it'll give the runs." "Where's the Sanka? If I drink tea I'll be up all night"... It would echo through out the room ..Sanka ...Sanka ...Sanka, they would chant it and if I would go near the table with it they would practically rip it from my hand while the next table would yell "Where's MY Sanka"!...ugh I'll never forget how I loathed the sight of Sanka...from that time on Sanka and Old Fart had the same meaning for me....


  I worked til 2am last night...cleaning the store, all the registers and underneath then when I was done early, for the 1st time  EVER, the grocery manager asked me to do him a favor and help pack out the fruit and nut aisle. I only said yes because I have worked with this guy since 2007 and he has never said more than 2 words to me despite my blatant attempts to converse with him, it's a sickness I have...if someone doesn't want to talk, or is mean and doesn't smile ..I make it my mission to turn that frown upside down and be the one to break their misery, doesn't always work..this guy was case in point, but after 4 yrs...Bam!.. "Would you be willing to do me a favor and help pack out tonight, we are short handed"....I can tell you the last fucking thing I wanted to do was to pack out anything other than my boobs from my bra and go to bed..but he spoke...I had to follow through and so I did! I went down the fruit and nut aisle and there were about 12-13 cases of Pop Secret Popcorn and Planters Peanuts...alrighty..no problemo! Well...there was a problemo, I am all of 5'3 and a LOT of pounds over 100!! This doesn't bode well when you have to stock the top shelves straight and level and in order to even reach I had to Spider Man my rotund ass way up another shelf..God I hope no one was watching the video feed last night to see that...cuz I can guarantee you it wasn't pretty!! But now not only do I have to pack out cuz he asked me but I, only for myself,  have to be the best fucking packer outer there ever was..oh, and the fastest! I ripped through all 13 boxes and stocked and leveled it all in a half an hour... figuring when I left all the grocery guys would be like "Holy shit...you did ALL that!! you are the best ever!" or something to that effect...but nope....silence as I walked past them on their 2 o'clock break...ungrateful fuckers, it's probably why you're all single! or maybe it's because you all work the overnight at Pathmark, either way their single cuz you are all giant asses! I got home a little after 2, but I had some of my own groceries to carry outta the, what feels like, 50ft high van and up the 25 steps (really only 4) to my front door. I put it all away and go off to La La Land. I wake up today completely stiff. Stiff to the point I have to roll out of the side of my bed face first onto the floor and get up from that position, again...not a pretty sight! My daughter Ella always asks me if I am having another baby cuz my belly is "so big and chubby" (fucking bitch! can't wait til she gets older and pops out a few..I'll be first in line to remind her of her insensitivity) "No El...I am just pleasantly plump".... So I roll outta bed, slowly and carefully get up off the floor..which requires assistance from my dresser (my husband will hopefully reattach the handle later) and start to hobble my gargantuan ass down the hall to the bathroom. My body is so fucking stiff I can not bend to a sitting position with any trace of grace...I literally fall on to the toilet... possibly sending a tsunami effect throughout the sewer system...and when I have to wipe I actually consider air drying...but that's too gross...I regroup and figure it out after a couple of minutes. I then hobble again into the kitchen to heat up my coffee..I kind of sound, and look for that matter, like Frankenstein walking through the house, moaning and groaning with every step I take. Kids are snickering behind my back "Look at Mommy's hair!! ha ha " honestly I probably would have laughed at my hair too as I resemble a q-tip! I got my hair cut the other day and it is quite short and now with bed head quite fuzzy! But their snickering sets the mood for the day..."Go ahead snicker all the fuck you want...in your rooms...where you'll stay all day" Of course I don't really mean this...they 'll be allowed out later to serve me or play the "Go Get ____ For Mommy" game, my favorite. I sit and guzzle my coffee and contemplate calling in sick for tonight's 2 am shift but I know that will just piss everyone off at work and hopefully by 9pm I will be able to wipe my own ass without causing tidal waves. I just can't help but be pissed..I am 36 years old and walk around literally like I am 90! All hunched over and limpy. Seriously, what the fuck am I gonna be like when I am actually 90? In a wheel chair I suppose...I had a chiropractor tell my parents when I was 15 that my back had such severe scoliosis that I would be in a wheel chair by the time I was 60...when you are 15 it seems like a lifetime away, and for the most part it is... But, at 36 you are well aware of how fast 24 years can pass right by...looks like my days of squealing for Sanka are A LOT closer than I thought....just need to find me a hottie to slap on the ass!