You know those cartoons where there is someone that gets hurt or really pissed and they start spouting off yelling Fliff flarff flagg flarr fluggin!!..well picture that more as...Fuck bitch shit fuck dick! ...and it's only 9:flippin 30! Worked late last night...a sporadically busy night, we would have random hoards of customers..then nothing...but steady enough for me to be spent by then end of my shift, I did a little shopping after work for cereal and shit and then came home...When I got home.. there sat in my driveway Gracie's brand new Tony Hawk bike she had gotten the day before..now..not only is this annoying cuz it is brand spanking new and my ocd kicks in and I freak of the thought of a potential rain drop getting on it, or one of the delinquents across the street taking it...but it is in the middle of the fucking driveway and I am barreling in with my Husband's work van, which is ginormous and has ladders hanging over the top, and am now committed to pulling in the driveway cuz my street is very narrow and there is just no way in hell I can maneuver this thing back out with out smushing my neighbor's car.. now I am hanging out of the driveway..but Fuck You..I'm leaving it...it's late! Can I just say why this irritates me so much...when I left for work the whole fam stood next to the van saying their good byes like the Cleavers..it was already late so they were going directly back inside...SO WHY DIDN'T THEY PUT AWAY THE BIKE!!!!!...but whatever, it's there now... I go around the van and step on on the foot thingy that helps you get in and I take out a bunch of bags...more than I should try to carry..but I don't want to have to come back out this late..so I pile myself up with bags, basically trip off the foot step, drag the bags up my steps, of course dropping shit on the way pick it up and shove a Cap'n Crunch box under my chin... I have to practically kick in the door and fall into the house...and there...stands....the husband .....GOLFING!!!! Jackwagon! You didn't notice the fucking time lapse from when I pulled into the drive til the time I flung the door open like an animal? No, you didn't..cuz you are one of Tiger's WHORES!!!! He is standing there in his skivvies which I can only guesstimate he is feeling very Bradley..and he finally turns and tries to help, but at this point momentum has gotten me and I have to run and put this shit down myself or I'm gonna fall flat on my face....so I run through the house only to notice to my right a nice pile of dog shit sitting perfectly under the A/C ...then I stumble my way into the kitchen and I notice the dishes in the sink still from dinner...I gotta tell you, inside I was like ..Really? Seriously!! But I say nothing of the dishes but glance at the golfer and point to the turd and shrug like, you didn't see or smell this from 5 feet away??? To which he is just stunned, flabbergasted I tell you..."What the fuck is that?".."That's shit Babe"..."I know what it is when the hell did she do that?"...whatever!...so he cleans it, I am putting the groceries away, walk to the next room and Viola! Dog pee'd on the mutha fucking rug! Now I am fuming and I hear that little bitch trotting through the house and I swing around and lock eyes with her and the dog literally locks her legs, comes to a screeching halt flips over and shows me her belly...she knows I found her out..."Up yours Mutt! Go lay the fuck down"...and she does. I continue to empty bags, go on the 'puter check my mail and facebook of course but that's all I can take for the night, so off to bed I go..Brad soon follows...I'll spare you the details, except for one.. YES!!! It's now about 2 am and I look at him and say.."you shut off the A/C, right?"..."Oh, yeah I did!! Earlier"..."okay, love you.. good night"...
8am..."Boppy?...Mommy?...Boppy?, Mommy Boppy!" "Maammmaaa Boppy!! Boppy Mommy" "Boppy, Boppy boppy boppy boppy bobby"....this has no effect on me what so ever, I have been a mom for 11 years, I have selective hearing..til I hear ...tikka tikka tikka,the sound of dog ears flapping when they shake themselves off...like the shake you get after you pee! That fucking cock sucking dog!!! I'm gonna drop kick her into next fucking week if she pee'd in my house again...this gets me outta bed..I am trying to roll my stiff ass out of my bed and the baby is stalking me "Boppy Mommy Boppy MMMAAAAA" and I am limping to the kitchen to make her a fucking bop already to shut her the hell up and I proceed to slide across the kitchen and do a split cuz the baby has dumped the dog water all over the floor...flarrff flaagg!! I make her the bop, put my coffee in the microwave (the 7-11 coffee my man provides for me every morning!!) go into take a morning pee, come back out and notice..yes sir-re Bob she pee'd ..but this time on the rug in the living room! That flip fargin see you next tuesday little flippin bitchface! I'm gonna kill her!! I am soaking up the pee all while screaming to the girls "I'm going on Craigslist today to see if anybody is looking for a piece of shit dog that only pees in the house!!! I am sure everyone wants one of those! I told you if she kept peeing in my fucking house I was gonna throw her out!! I hate that dog and her bodily fluids!!! How many times do I have to tell you girls that if the dog wakes up she wants to pee? Dammit!!" all 4 are just laying there with SpongeBob in the background wide eye'd and shocked and there lays that mutt shivering and looking all sorts of sorry.."FUCK!!" (already my throat feels like it is bleeding, I am Irish, I have bit of a temper)...I go get the paper towels and start to soak up the pee and I glance over and notice the A/C has that foamy frozen shit all on the outside of it.."That assmunch didn't shut it off!! What a dick!, now it's frozen Fan-Fucking-Tastical!" Soaking up the pee, Bounty may be the quicker picker upper..but it leaves little bits of paper in the pee that I am gonna have to come back for and pick up with my fingers, bitch! I go to throw out the drippy towel and notice today is the day my husband decides to do what he is supposed to do every morning but never does..he took out the garbage and I have this pissy towel that I am holding by the only dry corner and Sadie is following me now "Nana?, Nana Mommy" and I am frantically looking for a garbage so I open the back door and fling the piss soaked rag out the door, trip over Sadie and go back to clean the rest but notice that under the glacial a/c sits...wait for it....another fucking pile of shit, how did I not see this? That fliff flarging...ahh I hate this bitch! Back to the paper towels, scoop up the shit..realize again I have no garbage set up...out the back door flying shit, God my neighbor must love me..."Nana Mommy, NANA" wash my hands give the kid her fucking nana..now I have to bleach clean the floor and I start to gag and dry heave in the dining room..Not because of the shit and piss I just had to deal with, oh no...what is making me sick is the new renuzit air freshner I just got last night to cover up smells..apparently my nose prefers the smell of hot shit wafting through the air opposed to "Fresh Linen"! So I am walking through the house, bleaching up shit stains and dry heaving all over the place and I hear the weather man come on and I run over to hear this weekends forecast cuz I am having BBQ Bday bash for my daughter on Sunday and fucking Al Roker has the fucking gall to tell me Sunday will have scattered thunder storms through out the m-effin day! Fuck You Al...You were much better looking fat! That was just the straw that broke MY back! Flip Fargin Flaff gaggin fuck! SO glad I just spent $140 at Party City yesterday! So I say, "Fuck it all, the dishes that are still all over the place, the shit that has been flung out onto the deck which will be a real treat later after sitting in the sun, the kids, everything..fuck it...I'm sitting down and gonna write....5 minutes into it I hear.."Maaa Sadie has something on the couch" turn around and there she is pouring out an entire bottle of baby oil all over my couch! I jump outta my chair and fly through the air and tackle the bitch and she puts up a fight! Baby oil ejaculating all the fuck over the place, she's kicking and screaming, I am one breath away from cardiac arrest..fuck! it's only 9:30!!! It will be nothing short of a miracle today if we all get out alive!
No comments:
Post a Comment