Mom was adopted...raised as an only child to Scandinavian parents....Danish and Norwegian....our culture, didn't matter if it wasn't running through our blood, we didn't know what was...but we were Danish and Norwegian, and Irish for my dad...The Danish culture was a huge part of our upbringing, my mother took great pride in the fact she was a great cook...especially of Scandinavian cuisine...she would travel to Denmark every year and bring back the best coffee and butter, oh man that fucking butter rocked! 333
Mom was a force to be reckoned with, to say the least...she was a strong willed opinionated sometimes bitch, a lot of times bitch..but she was compassionate and loyal to a fault...and if she loved you... you knew it and if she hated you...you knew it...she loved to hate people, love and hate were nearly the same to her...it was the people in the middle she didn't care for, didn't give a second thought to. when I was younger I used to get pissed...pissed at all the other kids she would sit and talk to for hours...help them with a school paper, give them advice...drink and get drunk with them...I wanted that, I wanted her to be talking with me...she eventually did, when I was older and cooler...cool enough to sit with a cigarette and a shot of akoviet...which was some sort of Danish, I believe, alcohol that would knock you on your fucking ass (I don't think I came close to spelling it right)...it would knock even the biggest baddest on their ass and you would think twice before you drank the shit again...but you always drank the shit again!! The late '80's and early '90's were set to the soundtrack of Bette Middler's Beaches and Prince's..well anything Prince...we would all sit around my table drinking and laughing and singing and just being wild and in the middle of it all the Ring Leader herself...my mom. When were were all drunk enough we would always do something stupid...like run around the block in our underwear or slide down the stairs head first on a sleeping bag which was always the funniest, Mom wasn't a small woman so when she would throw herself down the stairs she would fly!!!and she would always say..."the bigger they are, the harder they fall"! 333
My favorite times with Mom were the quiet times , everyday when I would get home from school she would be sitting in the back of the house in her bed smoking her cigs and drinking her coffee and she would be watching General Hospital...and you had to shut the fuck up and only talk through the commercials...and that's what I did, would lay down next to her and watch the soaps, I can still feel her hand on my arm..she would just hold my arm while we would watch, God what I would do today to have her grab my arm with those chubby fingers with the long nails. On the weekends we would hang out at the table (the table is where pretty much everything happened or was found out about)...my favorite was the rainy weekends...we would get a package of baked clams,frozen, and heat them up and sit at the table with a bottle of lemon juice and a deck of cards and eat clams and play rummy all day long...sometimes we would play for 12 hours and we wouldn't even notice it was that long until we ran out of cigarettes...we would sit and play and talk about everything and everybody...we would talk...I remember telling her about how everyday I was looking at the clock at exactly the same time, where ever I was I would look at the clock at exactly 3:33...I told her this was happening now for years..like 10 years...I told her how I believed something was going to happen to me at that time and she told me "shut the fuck up you dumb ass...you have just conditioned yourself to look at that time now" 333
When I became a mother myself is when I felt the closest to my mom...I was in the club... and I finally got it...understood, finally, all the things she would bitch about and we would look at her like she was crazy...we actually thought she was crazy for a while when she first started going through menopause...we went as far as
finding out it only took 3 signatures to have her committed! what assholes we were...so Now I understand it all...the craziness of it all ..the loneliness of it all...the ungratefulness of it all...I now know I can feel overwhelmed about being a mom and yell and scream and want to rip my hair out but it doesn't mean I am crazy or that I don't love my kids...it just is!...what sucks the most is that I can't tell her I get it now, now...8 years after you are gone I get it, finally! I understand you better today than any day we sat at the table together..I get it now...and I am sorry you didn't get to hear those words from us..that you aren't here to see us going through all the same crazy shit you went through. God...it's been 8 years, today..and I feel like it was yesterday..I wish I could pick up the phone to tell you all the crazy shit that happened here just this week alone...OH MAN.. you would love what Sadie did to me yesterday...That bitch snuck out of bed in the morning and went walking around the house...she apparently found a nice little present left by the dog...I am assuming she wanted to show me her find...but she nearly shoved it in my mouth..sound asleep Mommy in her bed and a 1 1/2 year old wielding a hot piece of dog shit in her hand ready to shove it in my mouth!!!! Thank the Lord I have ninja like reflexes to smell!! Mom...I know you would have pee'd your pants when I told you that one!!.....It sucks more than anything that you can't be with us, I feel robbed... my kids were robbed...you were robbed...but I feel you from time to time looking over my shoulder...making sure I don't fuck up too bad...I feel ya. And I know one day we will be together again and we will sit and eat baked clams and play cards and drink our coffee, one day. 333
I can remember the sound it made. It did make a sound. Not everyone heard it.... I know I did..... The numbers were erratic. Up to 144 down to 70...up to 120 down to 60. It kept doing that for a few minutes....until it didn't. It hit 100 and just started to decline per second......until C L I C K...0. I remember looking up at everybody and just letting out this horrible sound like I have never made before and have never made since....like it came from my soul, like my soul was pleading for this not to be true... then I heard the nurse....Time of Death 3:33
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