Four

Four...the number of sides on a square....Four...the number of months til Christmas...Four..the number of kids that I have...Four...the number of doors on my car....Four..what one might yell when golfing...Four.. the number of  fucking  piles of shit the dog left overnight! FOUR...the number of days for correction before I cook this dog in a stew! I am losing my flippin mind with this mutt...there is only so far cuteness can carry you. Just ask Webster!... I already get pissed off every time she comes near me, and looks at me with those eyes and wants to snuggle with her stuffed duck ...and I hate that! I hate having these feelings of hatred for something that is so cute and sweet and loveable...anybody that ever comes to my house always says OMG I love this dog, I wanna take her home...bet your ass the next time I hear that phrase I just might let them! Charlie brought her home one day..one of his customers had found her as a puppy and couldn't keep her and aksed Chuck if he wanted her, so he brought her here..our kids had been begging everyday for the three years since we lost our other dog to please please please get a dog...she seemed to be the perfect fit....and actually she is...she is the same age as the baby and she has never hurt the baby no matter how much she has deserved it, the dog loves the kids....she wants to be around them all the time and when they go out without her she sits in her window with her "baby" whining til they come home, most times we have her on a long rope so she can hang out in the driveway watching the kids while they ride bikes and stuff, and she is so friendly to everyone...I actually kid around that this dog has no loyalties cuz she loves anyone who comes near her (except the mobile dog groomer) she suffocates you with kisses and hugs....but when she is done she'll leave a load of shit in the kitchen! This dog would be perfection if it weren't for 2 major things...the shitting and if you don't put her on her leash in the yard she bolts...but just to look around the neighborhood, she must get that from the kids cuz they don't listen to shit either and wander up and down the block. We had crate trained her when we first got her, and it was working...so I thought, the crate we have is ginormous for her, our wonderful neighbor let us use the one they had for their dog...which let me just say The World's Most Perfect Pooch Award goes to him, Sweet Archie, the best dog around....Archie is huge compared to my dog Jinx, so accordingly... so is the crate...here in lies the problem....the crate is too big and there is plenty of room to go into the back of the cage take a shit and move to the front and fall into peaceful, yet stinky, slumber.. cuz you know the saying... dogs don't shit where they sleep...no she just fucking shits where I sleep! Sometime over the winter when it was so blistery cold and we would put the dog in the crate right before we would go to bed and she would look at us with those "please don't leave me look how adorable I am " eyes, like Puss in Boots from Shrek...we started to let her sleep in the bed to keep warm...well huge correction..my husband, against my very loudly stated advice and will, let her sleep in the bed! cuz , I quote "look at her she's so fucking cute and cold she's not gonna do anything but sleep and I'll take care of it if she does, I believe she's trained no worries"!!!!! I did not want her to sleep in the bed, it actually made me lose sleep for quite some time due to my OCD issues, which are more like skeevie issues, but this is what my man wanted and I really needed to get over myself and just let him make a decision! Just so happens it was a very wrong decision! Shocker. She was doing really well for a very long time, then something snapped and she started this mass shitting spree..but if we start to put her in the crate again she is just gonna move to the back and shit...and I can tell you this...it is much easier to clean up dog shit that is on the kitchen floor than to crawl my fat ass into the crate and wipe shit up and try and remove the bedding to wash it only to get wedged in while shimmying my lard ass back out of the now tiny hole I came in through so I have to put my hand down only to realize I put my hand in shit!(not like it has happened more than 4 times or anything) I have told him (FOR MONTHS) to get a piece of wood and cut the crate space down by more than half...and my handy handy husband reassures me "sure, no problem..I can do it 2 seconds!"...Charlie can fix anything in "2 seconds" no matter what the fuck you ask of him he is like the Chinese food takeout "15 meen-ot" for delivery..Charlie is "I can build a house in 2 seconds"...This is just another unit of measure in "Charlie time"... he will always do what ever I ask, nicely and not like I  am talking to a  child, to do, but in "Charlie time", which means...If I ask him to clean the shit ridden bird cage cuz it's ...well, umm.. SHIT RIDDEN...he will...in 3 months! If I ask him to..let's say...mow the lawn...he will..when it is taller than the fence!  or if I say Babe...why don't you call your Mom, it's her birthday...he'll wait til she calls him and I answer the phone and have to apologize for her son's insensitivity!!...."Charlie time"...so the dog crate issue has fallen into the black hole of "Charlie Time"! But if this issue is not resolved soon  "Jinxie time" is up!... My day literally consists of shit..dog shit on the floor... baby shit under my nails...bird shit on my front door by the wild ones that do a fly-by shit attack... shit in the cage of our bird...swirling turds afloat in the toilet from our 3 little piglets that refuse to ever flush without being told...Shit! most of my day I am cleaning or tending to shit! Maybe I should teach 'em all a lesson and just squat right the fuck in front of them all take a shit and hand them a Kleenex and tell them to clean up after ME! There's only a little bit of sarcasm attached to that, I am truly debating it! Just to see the look on their faces may just be worth the act of a public shit! I mean, it's not like I have taken a shit without interruption in the last 11 years anyway!I just don't know what to do anymore...tired of carrying around bleach bottles and paper towels where ever I go. I refuse to have the house that smells like shit...it can look like shit from the outside...but I will be God Damned if it's gonna smell like shit on inside....All I can say is that Jinx better figure this shit thing out and super duper fast...UPS just dropped off a package I ordered...a book..."How to Cook like the Vietnamese with 10 ingredients or less"...Woof Woof Chowder looks pretty easy...