You know those cartoons where there is someone that gets hurt or really pissed and they start spouting off yelling Fliff flarff flagg flarr fluggin!!..well picture that more as...Fuck bitch shit fuck dick! ...and it's only 9:flippin 30! Worked late last night...a sporadically busy night, we would have random hoards of customers..then nothing...but steady enough for me to be spent by then end of my shift, I did a little shopping after work for cereal and shit and then came home...When I got home.. there sat in my driveway Gracie's brand new Tony Hawk bike she had gotten the day before..now..not only is this annoying cuz it is brand spanking new and my ocd kicks in and I freak of the thought of a potential rain drop getting on it, or one of the delinquents across the street taking it...but it is in the middle of the fucking driveway and I am barreling in with my Husband's work van, which is ginormous and has ladders hanging over the top, and am now committed to pulling in the driveway cuz my street is very narrow and there is just no way in hell I can maneuver this thing back out with out smushing my neighbor's car.. now I am hanging out of the driveway..but Fuck You..I'm leaving it...it's late! Can I just say why this irritates me so much...when I left for work the whole fam stood next to the van saying their good byes like the Cleavers..it was already late so they were going directly back inside...SO WHY DIDN'T THEY PUT AWAY THE BIKE!!!!!...but whatever, it's there now... I go around the van and step on on the foot thingy that helps you get in and I take out a bunch of bags...more than I should try to carry..but I don't want to have to come back out this late..so I pile myself up with bags, basically trip off the foot step, drag the bags up my steps, of course dropping shit on the way pick it up and shove a Cap'n Crunch box under my chin... I have to practically kick in the door and fall into the house...and there...stands....the husband .....GOLFING!!!! Jackwagon! You didn't notice the fucking time lapse from when I pulled into the drive til the time I flung the door open like an animal? No, you didn't..cuz you are one of Tiger's WHORES!!!! He is standing there in his skivvies which I can only guesstimate he is feeling very Bradley..and he finally turns and tries to help, but at this point momentum has gotten me and I have to run and put this shit down myself or I'm gonna fall flat on my face....so I run through the house only to notice to my right a nice pile of dog shit sitting perfectly under the A/C ...then I stumble my way into the kitchen and I notice the dishes in the sink still from dinner...I gotta tell you, inside I was like ..Really? Seriously!! But I say nothing of the dishes but glance at the golfer and point to the turd and shrug like, you didn't see or smell this from 5 feet away??? To which he is just stunned, flabbergasted I tell you..."What the fuck is that?".."That's shit Babe"..."I know what it is when the hell did she do that?"...whatever!...so he cleans it, I am putting the groceries away, walk to the next room and Viola! Dog pee'd on the mutha fucking rug! Now I am fuming and I hear that little bitch trotting through the house and I swing around and lock eyes with her and the dog literally locks her legs, comes to a screeching halt flips over and shows me her belly...she knows I found her out..."Up yours Mutt! Go lay the fuck down"...and she does. I continue to empty bags, go on the 'puter check my mail and facebook of course but that's all I can take for the night, so off to bed I go..Brad soon follows...I'll spare you the details, except for one.. YES!!! It's now about 2 am and I look at him and say.."you shut off the A/C, right?"..."Oh, yeah I did!! Earlier"..."okay, love you.. good night"...
8am..."Boppy?...Mommy?...Boppy?, Mommy Boppy!" "Maammmaaa Boppy!! Boppy Mommy" "Boppy, Boppy boppy boppy boppy bobby"....this has no effect on me what so ever, I have been a mom for 11 years, I have selective hearing..til I hear ...tikka tikka tikka,the sound of dog ears flapping when they shake themselves off...like the shake you get after you pee! That fucking cock sucking dog!!! I'm gonna drop kick her into next fucking week if she pee'd in my house again...this gets me outta bed..I am trying to roll my stiff ass out of my bed and the baby is stalking me "Boppy Mommy Boppy MMMAAAAA" and I am limping to the kitchen to make her a fucking bop already to shut her the hell up and I proceed to slide across the kitchen and do a split cuz the baby has dumped the dog water all over the floor...flarrff flaagg!! I make her the bop, put my coffee in the microwave (the 7-11 coffee my man provides for me every morning!!) go into take a morning pee, come back out and notice..yes sir-re Bob she pee'd ..but this time on the rug in the living room! That flip fargin see you next tuesday little flippin bitchface! I'm gonna kill her!! I am soaking up the pee all while screaming to the girls "I'm going on Craigslist today to see if anybody is looking for a piece of shit dog that only pees in the house!!! I am sure everyone wants one of those! I told you if she kept peeing in my fucking house I was gonna throw her out!! I hate that dog and her bodily fluids!!! How many times do I have to tell you girls that if the dog wakes up she wants to pee? Dammit!!" all 4 are just laying there with SpongeBob in the background wide eye'd and shocked and there lays that mutt shivering and looking all sorts of sorry.."FUCK!!" (already my throat feels like it is bleeding, I am Irish, I have bit of a temper)...I go get the paper towels and start to soak up the pee and I glance over and notice the A/C has that foamy frozen shit all on the outside of it.."That assmunch didn't shut it off!! What a dick!, now it's frozen Fan-Fucking-Tastical!" Soaking up the pee, Bounty may be the quicker picker upper..but it leaves little bits of paper in the pee that I am gonna have to come back for and pick up with my fingers, bitch! I go to throw out the drippy towel and notice today is the day my husband decides to do what he is supposed to do every morning but never does..he took out the garbage and I have this pissy towel that I am holding by the only dry corner and Sadie is following me now "Nana?, Nana Mommy" and I am frantically looking for a garbage so I open the back door and fling the piss soaked rag out the door, trip over Sadie and go back to clean the rest but notice that under the glacial a/c sits...wait for it....another fucking pile of shit, how did I not see this? That fliff flarging...ahh I hate this bitch! Back to the paper towels, scoop up the shit..realize again I have no garbage set up...out the back door flying shit, God my neighbor must love me..."Nana Mommy, NANA" wash my hands give the kid her fucking nana..now I have to bleach clean the floor and I start to gag and dry heave in the dining room..Not because of the shit and piss I just had to deal with, oh no...what is making me sick is the new renuzit air freshner I just got last night to cover up smells..apparently my nose prefers the smell of hot shit wafting through the air opposed to "Fresh Linen"! So I am walking through the house, bleaching up shit stains and dry heaving all over the place and I hear the weather man come on and I run over to hear this weekends forecast cuz I am having BBQ Bday bash for my daughter on Sunday and fucking Al Roker has the fucking gall to tell me Sunday will have scattered thunder storms through out the m-effin day! Fuck You Al...You were much better looking fat! That was just the straw that broke MY back! Flip Fargin Flaff gaggin fuck! SO glad I just spent $140 at Party City yesterday! So I say, "Fuck it all, the dishes that are still all over the place, the shit that has been flung out onto the deck which will be a real treat later after sitting in the sun, the kids, everything..fuck it...I'm sitting down and gonna write....5 minutes into it I hear.."Maaa Sadie has something on the couch" turn around and there she is pouring out an entire bottle of baby oil all over my couch! I jump outta my chair and fly through the air and tackle the bitch and she puts up a fight! Baby oil ejaculating all the fuck over the place, she's kicking and screaming, I am one breath away from cardiac arrest..fuck! it's only 9:30!!! It will be nothing short of a miracle today if we all get out alive!
Friday, August 12, 2011
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Tiger Woods is a Twat...
Fuck yeah Tiger woods is a twat! I am sitting here today, well barely sitting, and I am stiff as a fricken board..my body hurts so fucking bad right now and I can't really turn my head to left...all because of that whore Tiger Woods...rat bastard!
Okay...let me catch you up...
It started really Fourth of July Weekend....My husband's family came in for a visit for the first time in many, many years. It was fantastic, and no sarcasm intended..truly a great week. My husband and his one brother hadn't really kept in great touch over the years because my husband can be a real douche when it comes to the phone...they never had an issue besides Charlie's laziness to pick up the phone, and literally he would speak to his brother once a year on his birthday, he hates the phone...but now his brother is here and they are "re"-bonding and loving it...they decide to go to the store and pick up a new video game...side bar...my husband is a freak when it comes to a video game, grade A freak...he gets really into his game and I truly believe he believes he is there and the game situation is real to him and he just starts acting all sorts of schitzo when he plays and this pretty much drives me batty..it'd be one thing if he was just playing, but the seriousness he has when playing gets to be ridiculous!, but I digress...back to the story....So they go to the store and his brother generously buys him a new Tiger Woods game and the new sensor thingy to make it work better or whateva the fuck it does....they come home and proceed to play this game for the rest of the week...which , really, at this point is not a problem..they are bonding and we are all having a great time sitting around and just basically fucking off doing nothing,...the perfect vakay if you ask me. The problem starts when the family leaves.....Now everyone is gone and it's down to just Chuck and Tiger....he is now addicted to this game and begins to play it every waking moment he has because he can never ever just play a game for fun, he has to beat the game or go crazy trying..but he doesn't just play it like it's a game....NOPE...He PLAYS it like he is on the 9th hole of a PGA Tour...and he lines up his shot and puts a back swing on the ball (or something like that) he gets real serious...don't talk to him when he is lining up his shot or God for friggin bid you walk past the tv screen you fucking idiot what the fuck did you do that for you just fuck up my swing...yeah and to top it off there are announcers on the game..and they are big fucking meanies and they are egging this man on saying shit like "Oh That's not a good shot at all, what was he thinking", so now for the last few weeks he is golfing in my living room day and night screaming at the tv screen to "Lick my balls you fucking bitch" and kicking shit over when he fucks up or when he is doing good he is tweeting like a bird, cuz apparently getting a "birdie" is a great thing..and he is always yelling out to me, while I am no where near him..."Oh Man, did you see that shot?" "Baby I was robbed...did you see?"...ummm, no...contrary to what I tell my kids I don NOT have eyes on the back or the side of my head and frankly I hate golf and am not watching you....So at this point, I am really starting to hate this game..but the man asks for nothing...he works his ass off..he deserves to golf, I just wish he would do it quietly, isn't golf a quiet game anyway? Last week his brother was generous again...back in Tennessee he goes to the store and picks up another 2 copies of Tiger Woods and sends them to his brothers so now all three of them can play this game online against each other while talking on speaker phone til the wee hours of night..."oh wow..did you see that shot"....fun times.
Yesterday was a crazy day...my kids were little deviants! After driving me crazy all day, they went outside after the rain..I told them they could go across the street to the house that is in my sight..they said okay...10 minutes later I see them in my back yard and they come in and tell me no one wanted to play...they went across the street and asked and down the block... "Wait, what the fuck did you just say? you went down the block? I thought I told you you couldn't walk down the friggin block with out telling me or asking me? You can't just walk around the fucking town like you own.." Rrrrriiiiinnnngggg..."Hello?" ..."Um yes, Hi...it's Hoosie Whatsie from around the block...we have a little problem"..."Yeah, what kind of problem?" ..."Well..this year I have been noticing a bunch of rocks at the bottom of my pool and I keep yelling at my kids for throwing rocks in there when they know I just spent $1000 on a new liner and they keep telling me they aren't doing it...I was just sitting in the pool and a rock came flying over your fence and hit me in the head and I heard your girls run away"...."Say no more...I am so sorry..It'll never happen again, I promise...any damage, please come see us"....I turn around and proceed to go OFF for quite sometime actually...yelling and screaming and threatening and I just can not believe what little deviants I am raising and where the fuck did I go so horribly wrong?...when the hubby comes home we are co parenting at it's finest..we are totally on the same page, in sync and getting our point across...we rocked that punishment! The kids were all in bed early and not only were they in bed, but they were asleep!!! So the hubster and I decide to have some "us" time..we deserved it..look at how on the money we were tonight....feels like we bonded...even if it was over screaming and belittling our children...we were one tonight ...and I gotta tell ya honestly...I was feeling a little frisky!! Yes, let's hang out...."I'm gonna go change into my pjs ..be right back"...I change into my boobie lifting tank that he likes....now yes, I am a chubster..but when it comes to my man, I'm Angelina Freakin Jolie and I ignore my physical and get into my head and rrroarrr I'm one sexy bitch! So I come out of the room wearing my "sexy shirt" and giving him my "sexy eyes" and he says..."Wanna golf?" "Do I wanna GOLF?, umm is that what you really wanna do?" "Yes, I want you to do something that I am interested in...you make me watch all your fucking shows with you..golf with me"...what choice do I really have when he puts it like that? "Okay...let's g o l f !" Can I just tell you....I may be Angelina in my head but the physical reality is more like Barney Rubble sporting some DD's!...so he sets up this fucking game and he hands me the remote and tells me to set up my player...can I just tell you...he spent 3 hours one night setting up his player..picking out his nose and hair and chest size and they really make the game look as real as possible and he is dead set on having his "avatar" look as much like him as possible and he now wants mine to look like me...but unless Winonna Judd is a choice on there..it ain't happening!...but I try. It's driving me crazy the go through every fucking detail imaginable...like the width of the eyebrow, lift of the tip of the nose..COME THE FUCK ON ALREADY and lets fucking play so I can get laid....So we start to play..he grabs his remote looks at me points and says "Pig"....and I am horrified.."Fuck you!" ..."NOOO...pig" and he points to the floor and he has set up my ceramic pig on the floor as a marker, a tee if you will, for me to have a visual and hit better...."Stand by the pig, it's the best place to get the best shot"... "Great, standing by the pig"...So I am standing there and I am trying to hit the ball...boobies...they are not great for golf and either is my perma-preg stomach, I look like I am eternally expecting...I am bending over and trying to see the fucking pig which I can't unless I bend waaay over ...and he is telling me "Keep your eye on the pig, just turn your arms, not your body...just your arms and swing...you don't need to twist your whole body...Babe, just your arms..your arms Babe...just your arms you don't need to bend like that Babe...use your arms"....If you say use my arms one more fucking time, you skinny fuck..I'm gonna shove this controller right the fuck up your asshole sideways...is what I was thinking...but I say.."Babe" and then start to cry "I am too fucking big to swing my arms without moving my body and I can't see the fucking pig and I hate this game." "Oh stop, I'm sorry...come on...let's play"...Well I don't know about you, but I have no clue what the game of golf is all about...nor do I care...I am just "playing" cuz I am hanging with my man trying to get some.... so I am trying to be all sexified and squeeze my cleavage a little more while he is telling me how to play...I am thinking great opportunity for him to have a Patrick Swayze moment and "show" me how to stand and hold the "club"..but, umm, nope..he, in great detail, tells me what all the different symbols mean and how far back I need to put that circle thing and what club I should use and yadda yadda yadda...and I am truly trying my best...I don't think Barney Rubble golfed, do you? I am getting frustrated trying to use the correct stance and the fact my body won't let me is bringing me to the brink....and there he stands lining up his shot...asshole...He keeps telling me."you are okay, it's your fist time...you'll figure it out"...Figure it out?!!! it's a fucking wii game...maybe that's what I have to figure out...That I am not on a golf course...so the next time I'm up I hold the controller in one hand, fuck the pig..bring my arm back and swing and swooosh....right next to the fucking pin...like a hair away from a hole in one!!! he says "That's not the way you are supposed to hold it, it's not true golfing" "No shit Sherlock...it's wii!"....from that shot on I kept using my one handed method and shockingly I was good at it...caught right the fuck up to him and at one point I was doing better than him!!! Funny what happens when you start playing the game the way it was meant..like a fucking V I D E O G A M E !!! I ended up being "2 over par" for the entire game...that is good, actually for the fist time and after hearing all the nasty games the Husband has played...2 under par is fucking fantastic!! So now, Brad...let's go to bed **wink, wink** ...I go into the room and get myself all situated waiting for him, finally gonna get me some....he is doing his before bed ritual stuff....I am so fucking tired from yelling and screaming at the deviants and then playing golf that 5 minutes after I lay on my pillow I can barely stay awake...the last thing I remember is him coming into bed and grabbing my boob...then it's 7:30 and Grace is whispering into my ear "Ma it's my birthday...I am 5.....do you want to say something?" I try to flip my now petrified and screaming body and I say "Yes Grace...Tiger Woods is a twat"
Okay...let me catch you up...
It started really Fourth of July Weekend....My husband's family came in for a visit for the first time in many, many years. It was fantastic, and no sarcasm intended..truly a great week. My husband and his one brother hadn't really kept in great touch over the years because my husband can be a real douche when it comes to the phone...they never had an issue besides Charlie's laziness to pick up the phone, and literally he would speak to his brother once a year on his birthday, he hates the phone...but now his brother is here and they are "re"-bonding and loving it...they decide to go to the store and pick up a new video game...side bar...my husband is a freak when it comes to a video game, grade A freak...he gets really into his game and I truly believe he believes he is there and the game situation is real to him and he just starts acting all sorts of schitzo when he plays and this pretty much drives me batty..it'd be one thing if he was just playing, but the seriousness he has when playing gets to be ridiculous!, but I digress...back to the story....So they go to the store and his brother generously buys him a new Tiger Woods game and the new sensor thingy to make it work better or whateva the fuck it does....they come home and proceed to play this game for the rest of the week...which , really, at this point is not a problem..they are bonding and we are all having a great time sitting around and just basically fucking off doing nothing,...the perfect vakay if you ask me. The problem starts when the family leaves.....Now everyone is gone and it's down to just Chuck and Tiger....he is now addicted to this game and begins to play it every waking moment he has because he can never ever just play a game for fun, he has to beat the game or go crazy trying..but he doesn't just play it like it's a game....NOPE...He PLAYS it like he is on the 9th hole of a PGA Tour...and he lines up his shot and puts a back swing on the ball (or something like that) he gets real serious...don't talk to him when he is lining up his shot or God for friggin bid you walk past the tv screen you fucking idiot what the fuck did you do that for you just fuck up my swing...yeah and to top it off there are announcers on the game..and they are big fucking meanies and they are egging this man on saying shit like "Oh That's not a good shot at all, what was he thinking", so now for the last few weeks he is golfing in my living room day and night screaming at the tv screen to "Lick my balls you fucking bitch" and kicking shit over when he fucks up or when he is doing good he is tweeting like a bird, cuz apparently getting a "birdie" is a great thing..and he is always yelling out to me, while I am no where near him..."Oh Man, did you see that shot?" "Baby I was robbed...did you see?"...ummm, no...contrary to what I tell my kids I don NOT have eyes on the back or the side of my head and frankly I hate golf and am not watching you....So at this point, I am really starting to hate this game..but the man asks for nothing...he works his ass off..he deserves to golf, I just wish he would do it quietly, isn't golf a quiet game anyway? Last week his brother was generous again...back in Tennessee he goes to the store and picks up another 2 copies of Tiger Woods and sends them to his brothers so now all three of them can play this game online against each other while talking on speaker phone til the wee hours of night..."oh wow..did you see that shot"....fun times.
Yesterday was a crazy day...my kids were little deviants! After driving me crazy all day, they went outside after the rain..I told them they could go across the street to the house that is in my sight..they said okay...10 minutes later I see them in my back yard and they come in and tell me no one wanted to play...they went across the street and asked and down the block... "Wait, what the fuck did you just say? you went down the block? I thought I told you you couldn't walk down the friggin block with out telling me or asking me? You can't just walk around the fucking town like you own.." Rrrrriiiiinnnngggg..."Hello?" ..."Um yes, Hi...it's Hoosie Whatsie from around the block...we have a little problem"..."Yeah, what kind of problem?" ..."Well..this year I have been noticing a bunch of rocks at the bottom of my pool and I keep yelling at my kids for throwing rocks in there when they know I just spent $1000 on a new liner and they keep telling me they aren't doing it...I was just sitting in the pool and a rock came flying over your fence and hit me in the head and I heard your girls run away"...."Say no more...I am so sorry..It'll never happen again, I promise...any damage, please come see us"....I turn around and proceed to go OFF for quite sometime actually...yelling and screaming and threatening and I just can not believe what little deviants I am raising and where the fuck did I go so horribly wrong?...when the hubby comes home we are co parenting at it's finest..we are totally on the same page, in sync and getting our point across...we rocked that punishment! The kids were all in bed early and not only were they in bed, but they were asleep!!! So the hubster and I decide to have some "us" time..we deserved it..look at how on the money we were tonight....feels like we bonded...even if it was over screaming and belittling our children...we were one tonight ...and I gotta tell ya honestly...I was feeling a little frisky!! Yes, let's hang out...."I'm gonna go change into my pjs ..be right back"...I change into my boobie lifting tank that he likes....now yes, I am a chubster..but when it comes to my man, I'm Angelina Freakin Jolie and I ignore my physical and get into my head and rrroarrr I'm one sexy bitch! So I come out of the room wearing my "sexy shirt" and giving him my "sexy eyes" and he says..."Wanna golf?" "Do I wanna GOLF?, umm is that what you really wanna do?" "Yes, I want you to do something that I am interested in...you make me watch all your fucking shows with you..golf with me"...what choice do I really have when he puts it like that? "Okay...let's g o l f !" Can I just tell you....I may be Angelina in my head but the physical reality is more like Barney Rubble sporting some DD's!...so he sets up this fucking game and he hands me the remote and tells me to set up my player...can I just tell you...he spent 3 hours one night setting up his player..picking out his nose and hair and chest size and they really make the game look as real as possible and he is dead set on having his "avatar" look as much like him as possible and he now wants mine to look like me...but unless Winonna Judd is a choice on there..it ain't happening!...but I try. It's driving me crazy the go through every fucking detail imaginable...like the width of the eyebrow, lift of the tip of the nose..COME THE FUCK ON ALREADY and lets fucking play so I can get laid....So we start to play..he grabs his remote looks at me points and says "Pig"....and I am horrified.."Fuck you!" ..."NOOO...pig" and he points to the floor and he has set up my ceramic pig on the floor as a marker, a tee if you will, for me to have a visual and hit better...."Stand by the pig, it's the best place to get the best shot"... "Great, standing by the pig"...So I am standing there and I am trying to hit the ball...boobies...they are not great for golf and either is my perma-preg stomach, I look like I am eternally expecting...I am bending over and trying to see the fucking pig which I can't unless I bend waaay over ...and he is telling me "Keep your eye on the pig, just turn your arms, not your body...just your arms and swing...you don't need to twist your whole body...Babe, just your arms..your arms Babe...just your arms you don't need to bend like that Babe...use your arms"....If you say use my arms one more fucking time, you skinny fuck..I'm gonna shove this controller right the fuck up your asshole sideways...is what I was thinking...but I say.."Babe" and then start to cry "I am too fucking big to swing my arms without moving my body and I can't see the fucking pig and I hate this game." "Oh stop, I'm sorry...come on...let's play"...Well I don't know about you, but I have no clue what the game of golf is all about...nor do I care...I am just "playing" cuz I am hanging with my man trying to get some.... so I am trying to be all sexified and squeeze my cleavage a little more while he is telling me how to play...I am thinking great opportunity for him to have a Patrick Swayze moment and "show" me how to stand and hold the "club"..but, umm, nope..he, in great detail, tells me what all the different symbols mean and how far back I need to put that circle thing and what club I should use and yadda yadda yadda...and I am truly trying my best...I don't think Barney Rubble golfed, do you? I am getting frustrated trying to use the correct stance and the fact my body won't let me is bringing me to the brink....and there he stands lining up his shot...asshole...He keeps telling me."you are okay, it's your fist time...you'll figure it out"...Figure it out?!!! it's a fucking wii game...maybe that's what I have to figure out...That I am not on a golf course...so the next time I'm up I hold the controller in one hand, fuck the pig..bring my arm back and swing and swooosh....right next to the fucking pin...like a hair away from a hole in one!!! he says "That's not the way you are supposed to hold it, it's not true golfing" "No shit Sherlock...it's wii!"....from that shot on I kept using my one handed method and shockingly I was good at it...caught right the fuck up to him and at one point I was doing better than him!!! Funny what happens when you start playing the game the way it was meant..like a fucking V I D E O G A M E !!! I ended up being "2 over par" for the entire game...that is good, actually for the fist time and after hearing all the nasty games the Husband has played...2 under par is fucking fantastic!! So now, Brad...let's go to bed **wink, wink** ...I go into the room and get myself all situated waiting for him, finally gonna get me some....he is doing his before bed ritual stuff....I am so fucking tired from yelling and screaming at the deviants and then playing golf that 5 minutes after I lay on my pillow I can barely stay awake...the last thing I remember is him coming into bed and grabbing my boob...then it's 7:30 and Grace is whispering into my ear "Ma it's my birthday...I am 5.....do you want to say something?" I try to flip my now petrified and screaming body and I say "Yes Grace...Tiger Woods is a twat"
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Rock Lobster
Another end to another Sunday...got some shit accomplished...would have like to have gotten a lot more...but it is what it is at this point. My husband is a hard working do whatever it takes at all costs to get the job done kind of worker...at his job. At home.. he is a ...I said I'll do it, but if you keep bugging me about it you can forget about it until you scream at me, and I'll get pissed that you would talk to me like a child so I will sit and play my golf game til I feel vindicated ...then I''ll do what you asked me to do... in secret... so later on when I feel like you owe me an apology and you don't because you think I didn't do what you wanted I'll throw it in your face...kind of husband. But that's okay...I am a passive aggressive martyr that will keep it all in til I compile a big enough list in my head to score big... kind of wife. We are having a BBQ next week for my daughter's and friend's b-day and my back yard looks like an episode of Sanford and Son...there is so much crap back there it's beyond ridiculous. I was hoping to really make a dent today... we got some shit cut back, but really in the grand scheme of things there is a lot more to be done. He tells me I am expecting too much and there is no reason to have to do all that for a BBQ and it's never gonna look like the fucking Taj Mahal...which frankly is okay by me...I much prefer the look of an English Country House, thank you. I have to be grateful he did anything though...it is his only day off and he would much rather be in the living room playing his stupid Tiger Woods golf game while on speaker phone with his two brothers (we'll revisit that at a later time) than outside again in the heat working....but that being said ... I would much rather be in a jacuzzi filled with Bon Bons, drinking coffee and getting massaged by Ryan Gossling all whilst watching my soaps without the kids..but we all know that doesn't fly either. So in the heat he goes. I thought I would be a good supportive wife and try to help out spraying off the deck while the kids were in the kiddie pool...that didn't last long...he took over...so I had no choice but to sit my ass in the kiddie pool and hang with the girls. I gotta tell you...this kiddie pool thing isn't so bad. It cools me off, keeps the kids relatively in one place....don't have to chase the baby...so it pretty much works out to be somewhat relaxing! Relaxing... minus the 200 times I had to tell the kids " calm the fuck down or go to bed!"...and the dog that kept running away all day and the neighbors bringing her back to the yard and me sitting there poolside in my tank and cut offs for the whole world to see...oh, and minus the baby SHITTING on the deck.... and the flies that followed....and definitely minus the sunburn!! Relaxing. I got such a bad fucking sunburn today....right down to my boobs! I 'm a redhead...you'd think I would have learned by now that sitting directly in the sun high noon is not that great of a plan....... I have blisters and the chills and for some reason no one can walk past me tonight with out rubbing up against my shoulders...funny how that happens...wonder if it would be funny if the next person to graze my charred flesh got drop kicked through the wall? ...probably not so much. So , for now..I'm gonna self medicate...Blue Bunny double chocolate ice cream cones...at least 3...just to be sure...I should feel better by morning....if not...I have a hidden Chunky Bar in my drawer that is sure to do the trick!
Saturday, August 6, 2011
333
I can remember the sound it made. It made a sound. Not everyone heard it.... I know I did..... The numbers were erratic. Up to 144 down to 70...up to 120 down to 60. It kept doing that for a few minutes....until it didn't. It hit 100 and just started to decline per second......until C L I C K...0. I remember looking up at everybody and just letting out this horrible sound like I have never made before and have never made since....like it came from my soul, like my soul was pleading for this not to be true...How could it be? this was not supposed to happen, yet. But it was...and it did...no matter how much denial...it did. 333.....I looked up again...there was my whole family, the whole family and all of our respective "others"...all there leaning on one another looking in each other's eyes looking for one to say this was all a joke a bad bad joke. But we were together...it amazes me how dysfunctional a family can be , talking shit about each other, fighting over petty bullshit differences...until something tragic happens...when something tragic happens we unite.We hold each other up like we never did before and you don't question who's gonna be there for you...family. She would have loved knowing we were all there together that day..that moment. Or she would have laughed at us..which in our family is a gesture of love....then she probably would have told us to shut the fuck up, General Hospital was on..go get me a cup of coffee and my cigarettes...oh how I wish I could make her a cup of coffee right now...fresh pot, tall Burger King cup 2 sweet n lows and an ice cube. She did nothing with out her coffee...her life line...333.
Mom was adopted...raised as an only child to Scandinavian parents....Danish and Norwegian....our culture, didn't matter if it wasn't running through our blood, we didn't know what was...but we were Danish and Norwegian, and Irish for my dad...The Danish culture was a huge part of our upbringing, my mother took great pride in the fact she was a great cook...especially of Scandinavian cuisine...she would travel to Denmark every year and bring back the best coffee and butter, oh man that fucking butter rocked! 333
Mom was a force to be reckoned with, to say the least...she was a strong willed opinionated sometimes bitch, a lot of times bitch..but she was compassionate and loyal to a fault...and if she loved you... you knew it and if she hated you...you knew it...she loved to hate people, love and hate were nearly the same to her...it was the people in the middle she didn't care for, didn't give a second thought to. when I was younger I used to get pissed...pissed at all the other kids she would sit and talk to for hours...help them with a school paper, give them advice...drink and get drunk with them...I wanted that, I wanted her to be talking with me...she eventually did, when I was older and cooler...cool enough to sit with a cigarette and a shot of akoviet...which was some sort of Danish, I believe, alcohol that would knock you on your fucking ass (I don't think I came close to spelling it right)...it would knock even the biggest baddest on their ass and you would think twice before you drank the shit again...but you always drank the shit again!! The late '80's and early '90's were set to the soundtrack of Bette Middler's Beaches and Prince's..well anything Prince...we would all sit around my table drinking and laughing and singing and just being wild and in the middle of it all the Ring Leader herself...my mom. When were were all drunk enough we would always do something stupid...like run around the block in our underwear or slide down the stairs head first on a sleeping bag which was always the funniest, Mom wasn't a small woman so when she would throw herself down the stairs she would fly!!!and she would always say..."the bigger they are, the harder they fall"! 333
My favorite times with Mom were the quiet times , everyday when I would get home from school she would be sitting in the back of the house in her bed smoking her cigs and drinking her coffee and she would be watching General Hospital...and you had to shut the fuck up and only talk through the commercials...and that's what I did, would lay down next to her and watch the soaps, I can still feel her hand on my arm..she would just hold my arm while we would watch, God what I would do today to have her grab my arm with those chubby fingers with the long nails. On the weekends we would hang out at the table (the table is where pretty much everything happened or was found out about)...my favorite was the rainy weekends...we would get a package of baked clams,frozen, and heat them up and sit at the table with a bottle of lemon juice and a deck of cards and eat clams and play rummy all day long...sometimes we would play for 12 hours and we wouldn't even notice it was that long until we ran out of cigarettes...we would sit and play and talk about everything and everybody...we would talk...I remember telling her about how everyday I was looking at the clock at exactly the same time, where ever I was I would look at the clock at exactly 3:33...I told her this was happening now for years..like 10 years...I told her how I believed something was going to happen to me at that time and she told me "shut the fuck up you dumb ass...you have just conditioned yourself to look at that time now" 333
When I became a mother myself is when I felt the closest to my mom...I was in the club... and I finally got it...understood, finally, all the things she would bitch about and we would look at her like she was crazy...we actually thought she was crazy for a while when she first started going through menopause...we went as far as
finding out it only took 3 signatures to have her committed! what assholes we were...so Now I understand it all...the craziness of it all ..the loneliness of it all...the ungratefulness of it all...I now know I can feel overwhelmed about being a mom and yell and scream and want to rip my hair out but it doesn't mean I am crazy or that I don't love my kids...it just is!...what sucks the most is that I can't tell her I get it now, now...8 years after you are gone I get it, finally! I understand you better today than any day we sat at the table together..I get it now...and I am sorry you didn't get to hear those words from us..that you aren't here to see us going through all the same crazy shit you went through. God...it's been 8 years, today..and I feel like it was yesterday..I wish I could pick up the phone to tell you all the crazy shit that happened here just this week alone...OH MAN.. you would love what Sadie did to me yesterday...That bitch snuck out of bed in the morning and went walking around the house...she apparently found a nice little present left by the dog...I am assuming she wanted to show me her find...but she nearly shoved it in my mouth..sound asleep Mommy in her bed and a 1 1/2 year old wielding a hot piece of dog shit in her hand ready to shove it in my mouth!!!! Thank the Lord I have ninja like reflexes to smell!! Mom...I know you would have pee'd your pants when I told you that one!!.....It sucks more than anything that you can't be with us, I feel robbed... my kids were robbed...you were robbed...but I feel you from time to time looking over my shoulder...making sure I don't fuck up too bad...I feel ya. And I know one day we will be together again and we will sit and eat baked clams and play cards and drink our coffee, one day. 333
I can remember the sound it made. It did make a sound. Not everyone heard it.... I know I did..... The numbers were erratic. Up to 144 down to 70...up to 120 down to 60. It kept doing that for a few minutes....until it didn't. It hit 100 and just started to decline per second......until C L I C K...0. I remember looking up at everybody and just letting out this horrible sound like I have never made before and have never made since....like it came from my soul, like my soul was pleading for this not to be true... then I heard the nurse....Time of Death 3:33
Mom was adopted...raised as an only child to Scandinavian parents....Danish and Norwegian....our culture, didn't matter if it wasn't running through our blood, we didn't know what was...but we were Danish and Norwegian, and Irish for my dad...The Danish culture was a huge part of our upbringing, my mother took great pride in the fact she was a great cook...especially of Scandinavian cuisine...she would travel to Denmark every year and bring back the best coffee and butter, oh man that fucking butter rocked! 333
Mom was a force to be reckoned with, to say the least...she was a strong willed opinionated sometimes bitch, a lot of times bitch..but she was compassionate and loyal to a fault...and if she loved you... you knew it and if she hated you...you knew it...she loved to hate people, love and hate were nearly the same to her...it was the people in the middle she didn't care for, didn't give a second thought to. when I was younger I used to get pissed...pissed at all the other kids she would sit and talk to for hours...help them with a school paper, give them advice...drink and get drunk with them...I wanted that, I wanted her to be talking with me...she eventually did, when I was older and cooler...cool enough to sit with a cigarette and a shot of akoviet...which was some sort of Danish, I believe, alcohol that would knock you on your fucking ass (I don't think I came close to spelling it right)...it would knock even the biggest baddest on their ass and you would think twice before you drank the shit again...but you always drank the shit again!! The late '80's and early '90's were set to the soundtrack of Bette Middler's Beaches and Prince's..well anything Prince...we would all sit around my table drinking and laughing and singing and just being wild and in the middle of it all the Ring Leader herself...my mom. When were were all drunk enough we would always do something stupid...like run around the block in our underwear or slide down the stairs head first on a sleeping bag which was always the funniest, Mom wasn't a small woman so when she would throw herself down the stairs she would fly!!!and she would always say..."the bigger they are, the harder they fall"! 333
My favorite times with Mom were the quiet times , everyday when I would get home from school she would be sitting in the back of the house in her bed smoking her cigs and drinking her coffee and she would be watching General Hospital...and you had to shut the fuck up and only talk through the commercials...and that's what I did, would lay down next to her and watch the soaps, I can still feel her hand on my arm..she would just hold my arm while we would watch, God what I would do today to have her grab my arm with those chubby fingers with the long nails. On the weekends we would hang out at the table (the table is where pretty much everything happened or was found out about)...my favorite was the rainy weekends...we would get a package of baked clams,frozen, and heat them up and sit at the table with a bottle of lemon juice and a deck of cards and eat clams and play rummy all day long...sometimes we would play for 12 hours and we wouldn't even notice it was that long until we ran out of cigarettes...we would sit and play and talk about everything and everybody...we would talk...I remember telling her about how everyday I was looking at the clock at exactly the same time, where ever I was I would look at the clock at exactly 3:33...I told her this was happening now for years..like 10 years...I told her how I believed something was going to happen to me at that time and she told me "shut the fuck up you dumb ass...you have just conditioned yourself to look at that time now" 333
When I became a mother myself is when I felt the closest to my mom...I was in the club... and I finally got it...understood, finally, all the things she would bitch about and we would look at her like she was crazy...we actually thought she was crazy for a while when she first started going through menopause...we went as far as
finding out it only took 3 signatures to have her committed! what assholes we were...so Now I understand it all...the craziness of it all ..the loneliness of it all...the ungratefulness of it all...I now know I can feel overwhelmed about being a mom and yell and scream and want to rip my hair out but it doesn't mean I am crazy or that I don't love my kids...it just is!...what sucks the most is that I can't tell her I get it now, now...8 years after you are gone I get it, finally! I understand you better today than any day we sat at the table together..I get it now...and I am sorry you didn't get to hear those words from us..that you aren't here to see us going through all the same crazy shit you went through. God...it's been 8 years, today..and I feel like it was yesterday..I wish I could pick up the phone to tell you all the crazy shit that happened here just this week alone...OH MAN.. you would love what Sadie did to me yesterday...That bitch snuck out of bed in the morning and went walking around the house...she apparently found a nice little present left by the dog...I am assuming she wanted to show me her find...but she nearly shoved it in my mouth..sound asleep Mommy in her bed and a 1 1/2 year old wielding a hot piece of dog shit in her hand ready to shove it in my mouth!!!! Thank the Lord I have ninja like reflexes to smell!! Mom...I know you would have pee'd your pants when I told you that one!!.....It sucks more than anything that you can't be with us, I feel robbed... my kids were robbed...you were robbed...but I feel you from time to time looking over my shoulder...making sure I don't fuck up too bad...I feel ya. And I know one day we will be together again and we will sit and eat baked clams and play cards and drink our coffee, one day. 333
I can remember the sound it made. It did make a sound. Not everyone heard it.... I know I did..... The numbers were erratic. Up to 144 down to 70...up to 120 down to 60. It kept doing that for a few minutes....until it didn't. It hit 100 and just started to decline per second......until C L I C K...0. I remember looking up at everybody and just letting out this horrible sound like I have never made before and have never made since....like it came from my soul, like my soul was pleading for this not to be true... then I heard the nurse....Time of Death 3:33
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Just Go With The Flow...
I just finished watching SYTYCD...Love that show...been watching that show since it started, what... 8 seasons ago now? The girls are amazing this year... They had some really crazy shit this week...it amazes me how those girls can contort themselves like that....the spins and jumps are magical ...and those splits...in the air..on the floor..in some kid' face...in our face..those splits!! Those fucking splits!...those fucking splits piss me off actually. Those girls are barely wearing anything...you can pretty much see what they ate for lunch...those splits...they make them look so easy, like we should all be doing them because we are female...the last time I did a split was a few years ago for my kids. They were taunting me how I couldn't do one cuz... I 'm.. well..how did Ella word it?... Oh yeah... "You can't do one Mommy cuz your fat. huh.. well you are."....So I had to show the bitch up....but instead, I hurled myself onto the floor, popped my knee and then farted...which was the icing for the kids. Yep...those fucking splits. I wonder...these girls are committed to doing this series for a few months...wearing these barely there outfits...they gotta go on the rag sometime right? That must be awful...thrusting yourself directly into some guy's face while your kitty has a nosebleed...ack! .....I am not trying to be gross...cuz I usually don't have to try...but while we are on the subject...those girls have no idea what's in store for them and their hoo hahs! They might look all pretty now..where you don't have a care in the world heaving it at people...but one day, yes one day... you are gonna look down, if your lucky...some of us not so lucky and we need to use a mirror....you are gonna look at it and wonder what the fuck went wrong! Then you are gonna kick yourself for not using it more when it was still in it's original form....yes I said form...if you have kids you know what I mean...she aint so fucking pretty anymore...she's been around the block once or twice...... city blocks...and she's been around them and she's a bit haggard these days. Not unusable...do NOT mistake me there...just weary...but these girls will get there too. Let them pop out a few kids and see them fling their soggy box in some poor schmuck's face, LOL! Have a few kids....mature outta your 20's...your period is no longer a 3 day pre-sale...oh no! it's more like a mudslide in Japan...the things we have to endure because we were fortunate enough to not get the 'y' chromosome! It really isn't fair...men get to live life uninterrupted, yet we are committed to hard labor one week a month..it's like we are on parole for 40 years of our lives..or like a reserve in the Uterine Navy...it sucks...but some how our time commitment isn't enough, no...it has to progressively get worse with each passing decade...like someone decided "Make sure when she's in her mid thirties to make it ugly...yeah yeah, ugly..then when she clocks in for the month make her stay just unbearable...yeah yeah unbearable...make it forceful and give her cramps like she had when she was 16 so she wants to puke..hahaha and then make her give birth to things she might want to report to NASA, ha ha ha and then make the flow so heavy the only thing she can wear is a mattress between her legs so she waddles across the house!!!" Fuckers....it just sucks being female one week a month....guys don't know the half of it...and all them swear that they do...the equate being kicked in the balls to our 40 year sentence....how often does one get kicked in the nuts? unless your an extra in the America's Funniest Home Videos montage...equal they do not. So men, until you line up for Camp Ballsqueeze once a month for 4-7 days for the next 40 years... you don't have a clue...just like those girls...on So You Think You Can Dance.....No. I don't think I can dance.....But I do know how to go with the flow.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Vindication my ASS!
Well...it would seem all that blabber I did about Global Vindication was for naught! Woke up to a flippin frozen M-effin AC again! Yep...fuckin A frozen! So I'm going back to my original mechanical guesstimate and I'm saying it's the compressor! I called my husband and can you venture a guess as to what his response was? Yes, it sure the fuck was "I'll look at it when I get home"! To which I responded "Well you are fucking lucky I didn't waste your birthday present early!"........so yeah...back to rotting in the heat...kids seem to be in rotten moods, like all four of 'em are on the rag...just bickering about every little thing imaginable. "Maaa...she touched my pinky with her fork!" was the last squabble...I am so sick of this stupid game of them looking at each other and doing that I'm not touching you bullshit....so I chucked my flip flop at them and haven't heard from them in about 20 minutes. Calm down...it didn't hit them...just whizzed past their head close enough for them to get the hint that Mommy is no fucking mood for your shit right now.....she's hot! They'll re-emerge soon enough...this is their thing. They will waste half my day breaking up their wrestlemania and make me listen to their incessant whining of who is copying who and who's turn it is to pick the show and "she ate my cookie" and "she won't come to the bathroom with me!!" (which is one of my favorites...my sister used to make me sit on the bathtub and chit chat with her while she would take a shit, nasty..but then if I wanted company..nope...I was shitting solo...I was solo, solo...Jason Derullo (I can't get that fucking douche outta my head!))...ok, back on track... And then when they push me to my breaking point...they take cover...like some covert military operation...they take cover long enough for me to think the ambush is over...long enough for me to sit back and take a breath and calm my nerves, long enough for me to drop my guard...and in that time they get along like the best of friends, teammates really...like it's them against me...or better yet when I yell at one one of the other girls will swoop in as her protector and give me a look of disgust like 'how dare you yell at MY sister like that'..whatever! So yeah for now...they have retreated...they are actually sitting on the floor in their room playing Barbies, oh those poor poor Barbies, they are having nice little playtime...well...if you actually saw the way they were "playing" with the Barbies you'd think I was the head of some sick porn ring..I mean the things my 7 yr old makes her Barbies do...well let's just say her Barbies aren't getting into Heaven. Some of things she does with them I believe are illegal in a couple of states..She is umm..how do I put this...a whore, excuse me...she is not an actual whore persay but she probably will be. Hey...like I've said before...don't judge..I am just being realistic....she is gonna need to learn about protection a little earlier than most would like..but I'd much rather be the Mom who put her kid on birth control at 16 than be the Mom who's gonna be a grandma at 45! You Moms out there must realize that your kids are gonna do the deed when they want whether they have your permission or not, right? We all did...did you guys have your Mom's permission? I highly doubt it, unless you had my Mom and in that case you did have permission...and protection, LOL!!! Well...I'm just parenting the best way I know how...and it's more than likely not the right way or they way you would but it works for me and mine. When we were first married my husband and I spoke about all the things we wanted outta life and all the ways we would go about it...the top of our list then...and today....is honesty. Honesty with each other and with our kids...I tell my kids all the time..."No matter what it is or how bad it is tell me the truth, I may not like it..but I'll respect you for being honest and together we can fix it"...and if we can't fix it...we can always chuck a flip flop at it.... =o)
Monday, August 1, 2011
"For Global Vindication"...(my husband's,really.)
Okay...so here's how it all went down...
Well, I really need to preface this by telling you I am the biggest bitch there is when I am hot...not just cranky..but full out...balls to wall ...fucking "A" bitch! I inherited this from my Mom who was known for her bitchiness especially in the heat...and now I have managed to step right in where she left off...
Okay, now..here's how it all went down...
Earlier last week it started to feel a bit warmer in my house, nothing insane, but warmer. So I turned the ac on high...it was actually the first time I had to turn it on high cuz it's a pretty good ac and cools off the entire first floor of the house (and I say it like I have a second floor) The medium setting I usually use during the day and bring it back down to low at night...even during that disgusting end of the world heat wave we had the week prior I never had the need to turn it on high...so the fact that it was on high now made me a little concerned so..I mentioned it to my husband..."Babe..can you check the ac when you get home it seems to be running a little slow"... "Yup, No problem"... When he got home that first day he looked at it and said "It's fine" as he is standing there with his hand held up to the vent.... "Okay", I say.....The next morning it feels real muggy in my bedroom..which is usually a clear indicator it's gonna be a "screamer" (My kids know this to be a day I could kill)...I go out in the dining room to the ac to turn it back up to high and I notice that the outside of it is a bit wet (I should tell you there is no front panel on the outside of the ac, it never came in the house this year)So..it's a bit wet but still I turn it up in hopes it will work fine. As the day goes on it is getting hotter and I am starting to yell at my kids who have been torturing me with their petty little fights over the who gets to be player one on wii...and I am getting nastier and nastier and they just don't seem to let up, of course. I am now in the kitchen washing dishes (have I told you there is no dishwasher here?) and then there is a silence..the ac has shut itself OFF...OFF!!! WHHHAAAT....why are you off? I am yelling at the ac...I then notice the outside of the front panel has icicles on it...oh no fucking way is this piece of shit frozen I yell at the ac and then run immediately to the phone to call my husband who is most likely on the top of some roof in the thousand degree heat himself digging rancid sludge out of the gutters...when he answers I immediately go into a fit of rage about how unbelievably hot it is and how he can't imagine how hot it is and how unbearable life is when it is so fucking hot and I have four kids yelling and being bad and I have no way of leaving this house cuz I don't have a car and he is keeping me prisoner in this pressure cooker of a house and I can not take one more minute without ripping my own hair out and you have to do something NOW!!!! "Okay Babe, I'll look at it when I get home"... "Fine...look at it when you get home" i say to him in my snarkiest voice....now I have to sit in this yuck for the rest of the day and it is still relatively early and I don't know when he'll be home...so I sit with my arms folded cursing everyone out in my head..they have no clue how hard it is to be me, is what I am thinking to myself. I don't want to open the windows cuz there is still some left over cool air from when it was working and if I open the window it's just gonna get hotter...so every time the kids are coming or going out of the house I am screaming "SHUT THE DOOR" "IN or OUT...PICK ONE" (God I have turned into Mom)...A couple of hours pass and I am doing a dish or two then I have to sit then come back and wipe the counters and sit all the while threatening my kids that I'll never feed them again if they open that fucking God damn door one more fucking time!!!! So, at this point...I have become a mechanic..I pride myself on the fact that I can understand some shit about how things work...perks of having a very handy husband...he's a jack of all trades....so I am looking at this thing and I come to the conclusion that it must be the compressor, of course..So I call my husband and tell him.."Babe...it's the compressor..the fucking compressor is shot and we need a new one...that's what it is...I told you when you put it in the fucking wall that it was the wrong ac anyway and you should have put in the other one and but you didn't cuz you didn't want to risk your balls being sucked into a strangulated hernia and now this one is broken and I am hot and sweaty and can not breathe it must close to 115 in here and it's just not fair and when you get home it would be wise to fix this piece of shit or put in the other one cuz I can no longer be held responsible for my actions or the words spewing outta my mouth!!!!"..."Okay, I'll take care of it when I get home"....."Sure ya will...just like ya took care of it yesterday.".....I now go over to this machine that I hate more than anything and I try to turn it back on...an it does!! Yeah...the frozen block of ice has melted enough to turn back on!!! I can tell though it is still labored and not working full steam, but hey..I got some cool air coming out!! So it's on for about 2 hours before the hubby gets home so by the time he walks in it is not 115 anymore and he walks over to it and puts his hand up to the vent, yet again, and says "it's working...but it maybe the compressor is going I have to take it out"....I say okay...now I'm off to work til midnight...in the ac...I leave it all up to him. That night when I get home I see the ac is still in the exact same condition I left it..frozen, but funny enough his wii remote is not (yes, I rig shit in here like the town chalks your tires..to see if they move)...That night, I try to sleep...but it's hard to sleep when you are so hot and sticking to the sheets...then a kid comes into the mix and she is breathing hot air onto my back...misery!... So by 10am the next morning my husband is receiving yet another cry for help, though it may have come across more like a threat of a divorce... "if this thing is not fixed once and for all..."...at this point the kids are begging him for mercy as well, they don't want to live with Sybil any longer, wimps. I am feeling like I should have dropped about 90 lbs from sweating in this sauna and enough is just enough,dammit! So when he gets home I speak to him in the language that all men can relate to..figuring I will get my ac fixed...no matter what it takes..."Baby, you gotta fix this thing, please please..you gotta fix it..I'll suck your..."well you get the jist!...c'mon...don't judge, I'm a desperate woman right about now...I'll be a slut if it means I can breathe again!... OK...after dinner. So after dinner I can not take it anymore so I go outside where the kids are and I climb my fat ass into the pool they have set up on the deck...the plastic Fisher price pool that is now filled to the brim with 6 kids and me...you wanna talk ghetto....It's bad enough that I have been flaunting myself around here wearing a tight tank top and a pair of cut off shorts that I have NO business wearing but the heat will make ya do crazy things...no I am floating in the kiddie pool and loving it! So the hubby is inside playing his Tiger Woods game instead of fixing the ac so of course I have to be a bitch and get snarky and mumble under my breathe loud enough for him to hear me but play dumb when he asks me "what did you say?"..but this works anyway cuz he puts down the controller and walks over to the ac to start tinkering with that and I go into the bedroom, sweating and start putting away a mound of clothes. After about an hour, I am outside again with my feet in the pool and he comes out and recounts to me how he tipped the ac and all this water came out and it sounded like it went on forever and then just when he thought it was emptied he started again and he had to go through the neighbor's to get to it and yadda yadda yadda every detail of this is backward and that thing is rusty and this and that for 15 minutes. So I say.."it's fixed?"..."Ummm...No..now I have to figure out what's wrong with it"...."well babe, why the fuck are you out here then?!!"... Which didn't go over well but I'm still not responsible for my rants all in the name of I'm hot. We go back inside and now I am just bitching to bitch and I am yelling at the kids to go to bed and I hear my husband say..."Babe, can you come here please" so I walk over to him with my hands on my hips "What now?"..... "You know how you are always trying to make the house smell better?" ..."yeah, what of it?".... "Well, can you look at that?" To which I look down at the ac that is in pieces on the floor and notice that a Downey Fabric Softner sheet apparently had been sucked into the ac after I had put it on top of the ac cuz the air from the ac would blow on the sheet spreading the sweet smell across the house, well now this sheet apparently got sucked in and blocked any air from blowing out of the ac making the condensation pool at the bottom of the ac which in turn froze... causing the ac to shut off. So I hang my head in shame and sheepishly say "Baby, I love you." and he says "you know what you gotta do now".... And I say "yes" still hanging my head " Ok...go take a shower"..."OH NO!...changed the payment plan...now I am gonna give up my blow job,yep give up my mutha fucking bj and what you need to do now is go tell every one you bitch to in your sarcastic (you should know that I now get teased from every one about that) way and what you need to do is blog about what a tyrant you were and how wrong you were and how horrible you were and then tell every one I voluntarily gave up a bj for Global vindication, yes Global vindication and husbands every where that have sarcastic little ranting & raving lunatic wives that are not always right!!"....."ummm, ok!"....so here it is....Global vindication!! I was wrong and I caused my own torture and my husband is the best and hottest (wanted me to add that) man there is and now ALL 6 of my readers know he was right and I was wrong, so horribly wrong.....and he is.....well actually...he's wondering why he didn't ask for both!
Well, I really need to preface this by telling you I am the biggest bitch there is when I am hot...not just cranky..but full out...balls to wall ...fucking "A" bitch! I inherited this from my Mom who was known for her bitchiness especially in the heat...and now I have managed to step right in where she left off...
Okay, now..here's how it all went down...
Earlier last week it started to feel a bit warmer in my house, nothing insane, but warmer. So I turned the ac on high...it was actually the first time I had to turn it on high cuz it's a pretty good ac and cools off the entire first floor of the house (and I say it like I have a second floor) The medium setting I usually use during the day and bring it back down to low at night...even during that disgusting end of the world heat wave we had the week prior I never had the need to turn it on high...so the fact that it was on high now made me a little concerned so..I mentioned it to my husband..."Babe..can you check the ac when you get home it seems to be running a little slow"... "Yup, No problem"... When he got home that first day he looked at it and said "It's fine" as he is standing there with his hand held up to the vent.... "Okay", I say.....The next morning it feels real muggy in my bedroom..which is usually a clear indicator it's gonna be a "screamer" (My kids know this to be a day I could kill)...I go out in the dining room to the ac to turn it back up to high and I notice that the outside of it is a bit wet (I should tell you there is no front panel on the outside of the ac, it never came in the house this year)So..it's a bit wet but still I turn it up in hopes it will work fine. As the day goes on it is getting hotter and I am starting to yell at my kids who have been torturing me with their petty little fights over the who gets to be player one on wii...and I am getting nastier and nastier and they just don't seem to let up, of course. I am now in the kitchen washing dishes (have I told you there is no dishwasher here?) and then there is a silence..the ac has shut itself OFF...OFF!!! WHHHAAAT....why are you off? I am yelling at the ac...I then notice the outside of the front panel has icicles on it...oh no fucking way is this piece of shit frozen I yell at the ac and then run immediately to the phone to call my husband who is most likely on the top of some roof in the thousand degree heat himself digging rancid sludge out of the gutters...when he answers I immediately go into a fit of rage about how unbelievably hot it is and how he can't imagine how hot it is and how unbearable life is when it is so fucking hot and I have four kids yelling and being bad and I have no way of leaving this house cuz I don't have a car and he is keeping me prisoner in this pressure cooker of a house and I can not take one more minute without ripping my own hair out and you have to do something NOW!!!! "Okay Babe, I'll look at it when I get home"... "Fine...look at it when you get home" i say to him in my snarkiest voice....now I have to sit in this yuck for the rest of the day and it is still relatively early and I don't know when he'll be home...so I sit with my arms folded cursing everyone out in my head..they have no clue how hard it is to be me, is what I am thinking to myself. I don't want to open the windows cuz there is still some left over cool air from when it was working and if I open the window it's just gonna get hotter...so every time the kids are coming or going out of the house I am screaming "SHUT THE DOOR" "IN or OUT...PICK ONE" (God I have turned into Mom)...A couple of hours pass and I am doing a dish or two then I have to sit then come back and wipe the counters and sit all the while threatening my kids that I'll never feed them again if they open that fucking God damn door one more fucking time!!!! So, at this point...I have become a mechanic..I pride myself on the fact that I can understand some shit about how things work...perks of having a very handy husband...he's a jack of all trades....so I am looking at this thing and I come to the conclusion that it must be the compressor, of course..So I call my husband and tell him.."Babe...it's the compressor..the fucking compressor is shot and we need a new one...that's what it is...I told you when you put it in the fucking wall that it was the wrong ac anyway and you should have put in the other one and but you didn't cuz you didn't want to risk your balls being sucked into a strangulated hernia and now this one is broken and I am hot and sweaty and can not breathe it must close to 115 in here and it's just not fair and when you get home it would be wise to fix this piece of shit or put in the other one cuz I can no longer be held responsible for my actions or the words spewing outta my mouth!!!!"..."Okay, I'll take care of it when I get home"....."Sure ya will...just like ya took care of it yesterday.".....I now go over to this machine that I hate more than anything and I try to turn it back on...an it does!! Yeah...the frozen block of ice has melted enough to turn back on!!! I can tell though it is still labored and not working full steam, but hey..I got some cool air coming out!! So it's on for about 2 hours before the hubby gets home so by the time he walks in it is not 115 anymore and he walks over to it and puts his hand up to the vent, yet again, and says "it's working...but it maybe the compressor is going I have to take it out"....I say okay...now I'm off to work til midnight...in the ac...I leave it all up to him. That night when I get home I see the ac is still in the exact same condition I left it..frozen, but funny enough his wii remote is not (yes, I rig shit in here like the town chalks your tires..to see if they move)...That night, I try to sleep...but it's hard to sleep when you are so hot and sticking to the sheets...then a kid comes into the mix and she is breathing hot air onto my back...misery!... So by 10am the next morning my husband is receiving yet another cry for help, though it may have come across more like a threat of a divorce... "if this thing is not fixed once and for all..."...at this point the kids are begging him for mercy as well, they don't want to live with Sybil any longer, wimps. I am feeling like I should have dropped about 90 lbs from sweating in this sauna and enough is just enough,dammit! So when he gets home I speak to him in the language that all men can relate to..figuring I will get my ac fixed...no matter what it takes..."Baby, you gotta fix this thing, please please..you gotta fix it..I'll suck your..."well you get the jist!...c'mon...don't judge, I'm a desperate woman right about now...I'll be a slut if it means I can breathe again!... OK...after dinner. So after dinner I can not take it anymore so I go outside where the kids are and I climb my fat ass into the pool they have set up on the deck...the plastic Fisher price pool that is now filled to the brim with 6 kids and me...you wanna talk ghetto....It's bad enough that I have been flaunting myself around here wearing a tight tank top and a pair of cut off shorts that I have NO business wearing but the heat will make ya do crazy things...no I am floating in the kiddie pool and loving it! So the hubby is inside playing his Tiger Woods game instead of fixing the ac so of course I have to be a bitch and get snarky and mumble under my breathe loud enough for him to hear me but play dumb when he asks me "what did you say?"..but this works anyway cuz he puts down the controller and walks over to the ac to start tinkering with that and I go into the bedroom, sweating and start putting away a mound of clothes. After about an hour, I am outside again with my feet in the pool and he comes out and recounts to me how he tipped the ac and all this water came out and it sounded like it went on forever and then just when he thought it was emptied he started again and he had to go through the neighbor's to get to it and yadda yadda yadda every detail of this is backward and that thing is rusty and this and that for 15 minutes. So I say.."it's fixed?"..."Ummm...No..now I have to figure out what's wrong with it"...."well babe, why the fuck are you out here then?!!"... Which didn't go over well but I'm still not responsible for my rants all in the name of I'm hot. We go back inside and now I am just bitching to bitch and I am yelling at the kids to go to bed and I hear my husband say..."Babe, can you come here please" so I walk over to him with my hands on my hips "What now?"..... "You know how you are always trying to make the house smell better?" ..."yeah, what of it?".... "Well, can you look at that?" To which I look down at the ac that is in pieces on the floor and notice that a Downey Fabric Softner sheet apparently had been sucked into the ac after I had put it on top of the ac cuz the air from the ac would blow on the sheet spreading the sweet smell across the house, well now this sheet apparently got sucked in and blocked any air from blowing out of the ac making the condensation pool at the bottom of the ac which in turn froze... causing the ac to shut off. So I hang my head in shame and sheepishly say "Baby, I love you." and he says "you know what you gotta do now".... And I say "yes" still hanging my head " Ok...go take a shower"..."OH NO!...changed the payment plan...now I am gonna give up my blow job,yep give up my mutha fucking bj and what you need to do now is go tell every one you bitch to in your sarcastic (you should know that I now get teased from every one about that) way and what you need to do is blog about what a tyrant you were and how wrong you were and how horrible you were and then tell every one I voluntarily gave up a bj for Global vindication, yes Global vindication and husbands every where that have sarcastic little ranting & raving lunatic wives that are not always right!!"....."ummm, ok!"....so here it is....Global vindication!! I was wrong and I caused my own torture and my husband is the best and hottest (wanted me to add that) man there is and now ALL 6 of my readers know he was right and I was wrong, so horribly wrong.....and he is.....well actually...he's wondering why he didn't ask for both!
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