Motherhood...

Things I have learned since becoming a Mom:

1. Shit happens...literally...it happens in your lap, on your hand, under your nails, on the deck, on the floor, in the tub (ack, gagging just thinking of that one) in the high chair, on your favorite jeans, foam down into your shoes, list goes on and on...but I think you get the jist...

2.No does not mean "No"...it means...ask me a 107 times til I can not bear to hear your voice anymore and I'll give in and say "Just do what you want..it's what you do best anyway"..and they will and I'll get pissed and punish them only for them to not listen to that as well and run out of the house victorious.

3.No matter who you are talking to..the minute you pick up the phone the kids will need to speak to you, always! They will need to know how to tie a knot, if they can have a hot pocket, why is the sky blue, do you like blueberries?...they will make sure to interrupt any phone conversation...even if you haven't seen the little fuckers for hours it is a guarantee that as soon as they hear that first ring they will come running.

4.If you clean it you are basically inviting fingers to touch it...or a tongue to lick it, or a booger to be flung on it, or a shoe to leave a print on it...You can't have "clean" when you are a Mom...you can have a momentary cleanse, but as soon as a kid gets wind that something was wiped, vacuumed or swept..they are gonna come running to fuck that shit up!

5.There are actual Monsters..The Sock Monster eats every other sock when they go into the laundry. The I Didn't Do it Monster...the one responsible for all the things your kids didn't do...like knock over the cup of water onto the keyboard or left the back door open for the dog to run away, or left the sink running in the bathroom. ....The Boogie Man...he is partners with the Didn't Do it Monster...The Boogie Man flings boogers onto the walls or on bedspreads and his favorite place on the vanity next to the toilet...I wonder if he feels jipped...he does all the work and his partner gets all the credit! The Shoe Gremlin..he loses your shoes minutes before you need to be somewhere...but just one of them, and he hides them in the most ridiculous places..like the closet. The Shoe Gremlin is also responsible for leaving all the shoes scattered throughout the house making it appear as though the kids stepped right out of them leaving them in the middle of the kitchen but in actuality it was him, or maybe the Didn't Do it Monster again..I can't even tell sometimes.

6.If they are sick or injured you wait on them hand and foot...you set them up, fluff pillows, make their favorite meals, let them eat in bed, rent movies, buy them toys..whatever it takes to make your babies (ones you gave birth to and the ones you married) feels 100 % better and healed. If you are sick or injured- you wait on THEM hand and foot, cook their favorite meals, clean up their messes, make their beds, and maybe get to go to bed an hour earlier. And if you got so sick you HAD to stay in bed for the day you are healed as soon as you can make it into the kitchen without passing out.

7. They suck the joy out of music....any song you love, they ruin. whether it be you finally hear it on the radio because you got a 30 second pause from their music and you get really into your song and let your mind drift and you feel free again and SLAM! BRICK WALL! they have to, in the 3 minutes it takes to listen fully to your song, have to fight, scream, fall down, cry, jump, wail, wave their arms at you...whatever, but they suck the joy out of it. OR they listen to the same crap teeny bopper song over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over..enough? Nope..and over and over and over and over...to the point if you ever ran into Justin Beiber you'd kick him in his itty bitty balls and then spit on his hunched over body.

8.Every day is "Opposite Day"...get down- means continue to climb up the clock as high as you can go before it topples over. Stop that -means keep doing it because everyone is laughing except for Mom. Wash your hands -REALLY means pick your nose and scratch your ass. Eat your dinner- means drink your drink and push everything on your plate down to the dog. Come here- means run like the fucking wind. Get along- means every kid for themselves! Don't move- means drop to the floor and crawl under the nearest piece of furniture so mom can't reach. Pick it up- means step on it and make sure it's smushed into the rug. Do your homework-means grab a notebook and watch the annoying orange on you tube. Share-means grab your stuff and hold it to your chest and screech like a chimpanzee. Come inside-means hide behind the bushes til she comes out and drags us by the hair. Go to sleep-means bring your dsi into bed and play with the volume down low and pretend to snore every time you get looked in on. Wake up- means ignore your mother's screams and pretend your still asleep in hopes she'll leave you alone til she gets so fed up she rips the covers off you and drags you out of bed. Clean your room-means pick up everything that was in a pile in the middle of the room on the floor and shove it into all the corners and the closet and under the bed so when she has to clean it later the job has now tripled and she realizes it just would have been easier to clean it herself when it was in it's original pile with easier access.

9.The minute you become a mother you also become a tissue/napkin. Although, truth be known,kids actually prefer the taste of licking their own booger slop as opposed to blowing their fucking noses...if you get them to wipe their nose it will usually be on your shirt.

10.They will always call you out in front of your friends. "sorry _____, I didn't call you back because I was sick"..."no you weren't mommy you were on the phone with ____"......"I would love to go but we have plans that day", " No we don't mommy"....."OMG, she's really nice I wish her all the best"..."No you don't mommy, yesterday you said she was a fat slob"......

11.If leaving your house, you can never over pack. People may laugh at you for bringing 3 changes of clothes for each kid, deodorant, a brush, band aids, tooth brush, poptarts, juice boxes, toys, plastic garbage bags, bottled water, a bar of soap, empty tupperware, mini screw driver, pencil, paper and crayons, ds games, tissues, wipes, diapers, books, playing cards, post it notes, hair ties, ziplock bags and gum.....(all actual items in my bags)...but you'll get the last laugh when after a 3o minute car ride your daughter projectile pukes all over the car and you pull over to the side of the parkway and are now prepared to clean her up and her sisters who got splattered on, the car seats and floor, bottled water, a bar of soap, change of clothes and some garbage bags aren't looking so silly now.

12.If you are getting a little frisky with your hubby and having a good time...the kids will barge in because they have to puke or they feel like crap, they had a nightmare, heard a noise, were thirsty, had to pee and then they'll make sure to ask "Ma, why are you in your underwear? giggle giggle giggle" "Dad, why were you all the way under the covers?" "What are you guys doing?"...can't tell you how many times I have had to say I threw my back out and daddy was just helping me get into bed......

13. You will not get to pee or take a shit or shower in peace for the next 18 years. Never! So don't even try...you are better off just removing the door now. 

14.They will always prefer your meal over theirs. Even if it's the same thing...just the fact that it is on your plate makes it taste 100 times better. So get used to fingers in your food and backwash in your drink because it's about to become the secret ingredient to all your meals.

15.Mother's Day is a cruel joke. It's a day that's supposed to be just for you to be waited on...but you have to make sure to drop enough hints as to what you are expecting for the day and draw a map to where everything is and then get pissed at the end of the day when you realize if they ARE capable of doing things on their own, why the fuck do they only do it once a year!

16. No matter how bad things sound...it's 100 times worse. Kids will suck the life outta you on a day to day basis, they will make you want to claw your eyes out and stick needles in your ears, they will break your favorite shit, drool in your food, pee in your bed, ruin your favorite shirt, draw on your walls, clog the toilet with maxi pads, beat the dog, scare the bird, spill juice on your leather hand bag, fight with each other, fight with you..........BUT......

  With one glance at their face and their puppy dog eyes, with one touch of their miniature little hand in yours, with one hug from those tiny arms too short to reach all the way around, and with one short little sentence " Mommy, I love you"....makes your heart melt and makes you realize it's all worth it =)