Shitty Morning

ok..if there were ever a day when I should just crawl back to bed and hide from it all, it's today...so far today I, after waking up 15 minutes late, find that the garbage men dropped some garbage at my curb..and instead of being decent & try to grab it back up they left it and about 20 seagulls found it and started to brawl and tore the shit up and are dispersing it throughout my high strung neighborhood....they are being particularly generous with the neighbor to my right who every time a leaf falls in his yard he runs out with gloves, a bucket and broom...now he has my bathroom garbage and a pull up in his bushes! Instead of me being a big girl and just dealing with it, I have to have a shit fit. I was feeling ill before I even got out of bed...being a woman sucks at times...but seeing my leftovers spilled all over the side walk and feminine hygiene products dangling on my neighbors bush makes this already cranky bitch a psychotic bitch! Of course I can not let this go without some one else sharing in my misery...so I call the hubs and yell at him for not securing the garbage the right way, again. This is a legitimate gripe, and it is not the first time and I am sure, knowing my husband, not the last...but there's a way to complain about something that you know you are right in and then there's the I am a fucking bitch and hate everyone because there is a three ring circus going on inside my uterus so everyone else must feel my wrath kind of complaining. didn't go so well. I owe him an apology...later. I decide today would be the perfect day to start implementing an allowance with the kids..so I give Ella a pair of gloves and a bag and a $5 bill and shove her out the door to clean the mess! Don't judge...you know how much shit I deal with with her? She can clean some leftover food off the street and pick up pull ups! I tell her to put it in the can on the side of the house, I'll meet you at the other door, which I do.... only to find that raccoons have pilfered through that as well and there is garbage all over! Garbage, mind you, from last week..and why the fuck is there still garbage on the side of the house anyway...didn't the garbage men come today? Why wasn't this put out then???? The hubs got another phone call...I'll have to apologize for that too... later. With all of the garbage cleaned up it's time to get sandwiches and backpacks done...but no wait... our dog Chaz decides today is the perfect day to have the runs! At least I know he tried to get out in time, I can tell by the long streak of yellow shit leading to my back door! I grab him and throw him outside & now I have to wait and watch this poor dog nearly pop a hemorrhoid as he is scooting across the yard staring at me wondering why I am watching him. The answer to that is because we do not have a fence, so as soon as he is done he will bolt and today is not the day for that! The dog is taking too long, I have to get the kids to school....yet there he is scooting across the backyard  with this pathetic look on his face. He finally scoots close enough for me to see that he has a turd stuck to a strand of hair dangling out of his fucking asshole! Fuck!  Wow, I am the lucky little fucker who gets to pull it out, because if I don't he will find a way to get it out that most likely will have something to do with my bed...so I find a leaf and there I go trying to get him to stop so I can grab it. But, the dog is like what the fuck are you doing shoving a leaf  in my ass? and he jumps away from me which causes the dangling turd to swing out of his ass landing ever so gently on my arm...oh forgot to mention I'm the asshole standing outside with no bra and a t-shirt freezing to death...so his hairy turd landed on my BARE arm! Vomit. I get him into the house and now I am down to 10 minutes to get everyone finished and packed and to school. Sadie, who did not sleep well last night, decides this would be the perfect day to sleep in, of course...so I have to fight with her to wake up, literally fight, she whacked me in the eye and the lens of my glasses went flying out and I have to crawl across my floor to find it, which I did...ya wanna know what else I found? I found that I must have stepped in shit outside while on my turd chase, and now I have walked all over my bedroom and now I am crawling in what? say it with me...smeared dog shit! Yep, really! All over my hand and knees! This warrants another call to the hubs, but got no time for that...I'll yell at him ...later.  Clean myself off, finish brushing the girls' hair and out the door we go-oh yeah it fucking snowed and I didn't start my car and let it warm up and I have a block of ice at the bottom of my windshield...but no worries I can see above it..we are that late..no time to wait. We get in and guess what? my window was open about 3 inches all night and now my seat is soaking wet! I slop my fat ass down anyway, no time to grab a towel...and of course my ass acts like a squeegee and soaks every bit of water off the seat and stores it in my  ass crack and underwear! Fantabulous! Off we go...I am driving on my tippy toes trying to see out of the window, pull into the school...kids are only 10 minutes late. Not too bad considering all  of this morning's shit, literally. They get out, I say my goodbyes, and pull away. I get to the first corner to turn home, and instead of the regular crossing guards there are 2 cop cars sitting there with 2 cops directing traffic...usually no big deal..until today. Today I turn the corner and I as I do this directly in front of 2 police officers, my sliding passenger door lives up to it's name and sllliiiiddddes open to reveal my 3 year old sitting there picking her nose. I have to pull over immediately and get out to fix the problem, which really is that my car is a piece of shit and the door decides when it will work...I am trying to get around the car fast because I see one of the officers walking towards us and I desperately do not want him to see that on top of nearly dumping my kid out of the side of the car I also have a large crack right the fuck across my windshield ...so I am trying to slam the door shut and the officer comes over and says "Ma'am is there a problem?" " No sir, my door didn't shut all the way when I dropped off my kids at school, sorry." he says "No worries, I see she is strapped in securely, have yourself a nice day...go home and get warmed up......and put on some dry pants." OMG! totally forgot about my squeegee pants! Have you ever looked at an elephants ass? I mean, seriously looked at an elephants ass? Then you know exactly what my ass looked like in front of those 2 police officers..and the guy walking his dog, and the woman getting her paper and the landscapers about to get started on a house! My big fat wet elephant ass for everyone to gawk at! Fabulous! All I could muster back was a "eh eh eh yeah"..because had what I was actually thinking come out of my mouth I probably would have been arrested. In hindsight that might not have been a bad deal...I would have at least gotten my meals made for me and a place to nap! I am home now. The dog is all shitted out and asleep, Sadie is watching her morning shows, all the garbage has been cleaned and shit removed from all floors, arms hands and knees and I am about to crawl back into bed and I have to call the hubs to apologize....sometime later.

333

 Repost from last year....
  
I can remember the sound it made. It made a sound. Not everyone heard it.... I know I did..... The numbers were erratic. Up to 144 down to 70...up to 120 down to 60. It kept doing that for a few minutes....until it didn't. It hit 100 and just started to decline per second......until C L I C K...0. I remember looking up at everybody and just letting out this  horrible sound like I have never made before and have never made since....like it came from my soul, like my soul was pleading for this not to be true...How could it be? this was not supposed to happen, yet. But it was...and it did...no matter how much denial...it did. 333.....I looked up again...there was my whole family, the whole family and all of our respective "others"...all there leaning  on one another  looking in each other's eyes looking for one to say this was all a joke a bad bad joke. But  we were together...it amazes me how dysfunctional a family can be , talking shit about each other, fighting over petty bullshit differences...until something tragic happens...when something tragic happens we unite.We hold each other up like we never did before and you don't question who's gonna be there for you...family. She would have loved knowing we were all there together that day..that moment. Or she would have laughed at us..which in our family is a gesture of love....then she probably would have told us to shut the fuck up, General Hospital was on..go get me a cup of coffee and my cigarettes...oh  how I wish I could make her a cup of coffee right now...fresh pot, tall Burger King cup 2 sweet n lows and an ice cube. She did nothing with out her coffee...her life line...333.


   
  Mom was adopted...raised as an only child to Scandinavian parents....Danish and Norwegian....our culture, didn't matter if it wasn't running through our blood, we didn't know what was...but we were Danish and Norwegian, and Irish for my dad...The Danish culture was a huge part of our upbringing, my mother took great pride in the fact she was a great cook...especially of Scandinavian cuisine...she would travel to Denmark every year and bring back the best coffee and butter, oh man that fucking butter rocked! 333


 Mom was a force to be reckoned with, to say the least...she was a strong willed opinionated sometimes bitch, a lot of times bitch..but she was compassionate and loyal to a fault...and if she loved you... you knew it and if she hated you...you knew it...she loved  to hate people, love and hate were nearly the same to her...it was the people in the middle she didn't care for, didn't give a second thought to. when I was younger I used to get pissed...pissed at all the other kids she would sit and talk to for hours...help them with  a school paper, give them advice...drink and get drunk with them...I wanted that, I wanted her to be talking with me...she eventually did, when I was older and cooler...cool enough to sit with a cigarette and a  shot of akoviet...which was some sort of Danish, I believe, alcohol that would knock you on your fucking ass (I don't think I came close to spelling it right)...it would knock even the biggest baddest on their ass and you would think twice before you drank the shit again...but you always drank the shit again!! The late '80's and early '90's were set to the soundtrack of Bette Middler's Beaches and Prince's..well anything Prince...we would all sit around my table drinking and laughing and singing and just being wild and in the middle of it all the Ring Leader herself...my mom. When were were all drunk enough we would always do something stupid...like run around the block in our underwear or slide down the stairs head first on a sleeping bag which  was always the funniest, Mom wasn't a small woman so when she would throw herself down the stairs she would fly!!!and she would always say..."the bigger they are, the harder they fall"! 333

My favorite times with Mom were the quiet times , everyday when I would get home from school she would be sitting in the back of the house in her bed smoking her cigs and drinking her coffee and she would be watching General Hospital...and you had to shut the fuck up and only talk through the commercials...and that's what I did, would lay down next to her and watch the soaps, I can still feel her hand on my arm..she would just hold my arm while we would watch, God what I would do today to have her grab my arm with those chubby fingers with the long nails. On the weekends we would hang out at the table (the table is where pretty much everything  happened or was  found out about)...my favorite was the rainy weekends...we would get a package of baked clams,frozen, and heat them up  and sit at the table with a bottle of lemon juice and a deck of cards and eat clams and play rummy all day long...sometimes we would play for 12 hours and we wouldn't even notice it was that long until we ran out of cigarettes...we would sit and play and talk about everything and everybody...we would talk...I remember telling her about how everyday I was looking at the clock at exactly the same time, where ever I was I would look at the clock at exactly 3:33...I told her this was happening now for years..like 10 years...I told her how I believed something was going to happen to me at that time and she told me "shut the fuck up you dumb ass...you have just conditioned yourself to look at that time now" 333


  When I  became a mother myself is when I felt the closest to my mom...I was in the club... and I finally got it...understood, finally, all the things she would bitch about and we would look at her like she was crazy...we actually thought she was crazy for a while when she first started going through menopause...we went as far as
finding out it only took 3 signatures to have her committed! what assholes we were...so Now I understand it all...the craziness of it all ..the loneliness of it all...the ungratefulness of it all...I now know I can feel overwhelmed about being a mom and yell and scream and want to rip my hair out but it doesn't mean I am crazy or that I don't love my kids...it just is!...what sucks the most is that I can't tell her I get it now, now...9 years after you are gone I get it, finally! I understand you better today than any day we sat at the table together..I get it now...and I am sorry  you didn't get to hear those words from us..that you aren't here to see us going through all the same crazy shit you went through. God...it's been 9 years, today..and I feel like it was yesterday..I wish I could pick up the phone to tell you all the crazy shit that happened here just this week alone...OH MAN it sucks more than anything  that you can't be with us, I feel robbed... my kids were robbed...you were robbed...but I feel you from time to time looking over my shoulder...making sure I don't fuck up too bad...I feel ya. And I know one day we will be together again and we will sit and eat baked clams and play cards and drink our coffee, one day. 333

    I can remember the sound it made. It did make a sound. Not everyone heard it.... I know I did..... The numbers were erratic. Up to 144 down to 70...up to 120 down to 60. It kept doing that for a few minutes....until it didn't. It hit 100 and just started to decline per second......until C L I C K...0. I remember looking up at everybody and just letting out this  horrible sound like I have never made before and have never made since....like it came from my soul, like my soul was pleading for this not to be true... then I heard the nurse....Time of Death 3:33

can't believe another year has gone by without you, love and miss you always Mom <3 say hi to Sandy for us!!

It's Been A While...

Hey....umm, so yeah...it's been since like January since I've posted anything on here....I think I have lost my mojo, my funny sucked outta me by the vacuum of life. I have tried to sit and write...but get maybe two paragraphs out and say fuck it, that was stupid...and I erase it. So many things have happened over the last year I guess it is just too much to catch up on, so I let myself be defeated...by myself! I have had many people tell me I should post again, not trying to sound like a blogging superstar or anything but I think I had a few of my own groupies!! My favorite groupie being my good friend Sandy...she always boosted my ego after a post, telling me how "deliciously hysterical" I was....this was the biggest compliment I could have gotten because to me, and many many other people, Sandy was the funniest person around. She was funny naturally, just everything she said made you either giggle or pee your pants...and that was when she wasn't even trying!! Sandy was just special. She was like a big sister to me...She was my older sister's friend...well, Karen brought her to us but then Sandy became a family friend. An older sister I could tell my secrets to when I felt my own sister would make fun of me (which she did a lot!! family trait!) Sandy was the first one I told when I got my first period....I had been wadding up bunches of Bounty paper towels and shoving them in my pants because I was waaaaay too embarrassed to tell my mom or sister because they would have made jokes about it or ribbed me til I wanted to curl up and die!! that's just how my family works, in a good way...now that I am in my 30's I can see it in a good way, out of love...but at 13 getting my period didn't want to endure their kind of "love"! So Sandy came over that night and after my sister went down to get   some ice tea for the two of them Sandy leaned over to me and said "What's up with you...you're looking a little blue."....I wish you guys knew her cuz you would know that you never really heard Sandy's true voice, everything was always said in a cutsey voice a voice that at times grated on your nerves, but other times...like when you are feeling blue, was just the right inflection to pick you up.... So I told her that I got my dreaded period but had no pads. She asked if I told anyone else and I said I was too embarrassed. She immediately got up and went out and jumped into her super large white Bronco, with the air horn of course, and ran down to the store and bought me my first bag of Always, explained how to use it and promised to not spill the beans to anyone! Which she never did. A couple of years later she was the fist one to teach me to drive. Well...she was the first one brave enough to let a 15 yr old jump behind the wheel of her car and attempt to drive it around the block! I was doing okay too...until another car was approaching in thew opposite direction and Sandy let out a scream and her cutsey voice became her terrified voice and I freaked and jumped the curb and dragged someone's sprinkler about 15 feet across their lawn and gouged huge chunks of beautifully manicured lawn into a ball under the tire! Sandy turns and screams "Get out, get the fuck out!!" So I do...she runs over and tries to quickly replace the chunks of grass and gently places the running sprinkler on top of a chunk and runs back to the car laughing her ass off and yells "Get in and lets get the fuck out of dodge!!" I will never ever forget the look on her face or the sight of that sprinkler tinkering on that chunky hill of grass or the sound of her laughing so hard she nearly pee'd! Sandy was just the type of person who was up for anything at a moments notice.....if there was a thunderstorm coming she would drive past the house pick you up and drive right on to the beach in her Bronco and watch the lightning over the ocean...to this day I love thunderstorms and ALWAYS think of Sandy when I hear one! After many years of hanging out at my house and summers working in the airport with me and my mom Sandy went on and busted her ass and made it through the police academy, I remember it being the hardest thing ever for her...but Sandy being the person she is pushed through and laughed the whole time and became Officer Sandy!!  Sandy has a gun?!?!?! Shocking, but true...and she was a great cop....but Sandy was an even greater mother to her 3 boys. That was her favorite thing...being called Mommy..and she was soooo good at it and thoroughly enjoyed every minute of it...even through the pain of a horrible divorce from a dickhead husband who treated her like shit, Sandy enjoyed her boys. All she was talking about was having just retired and being able to spend the summer playing with her boys. There are so many great and happy things I can sit here and tell you about my dear friend Sandy...but regrettably there is one major sad fucked up thing to tell you about Sandy as well.....Sandy passed away this past June 19, she suffered a major heart attack at the very young age of 42...never being able to play with her boys this summer or run off to the beach to chase a thunderstorm like she promised me we would...we had lots of plans for this summer that unfortunately will have to remain as memories...but I have to hold up to a promise I made to her on one of our last phone calls...I promised I would write again, something about the kids being crazy were her favorites.....I always keep my promises...so this one's for you San.....

     Too many mornings this summer I have been awoken by a screeching 2 year old with a leaky pull up. When I say too many, I really mean every morning after I have worked til midnight and the hubs has been left with the girlies,  I wake up to either pee in my bed, pee on a chair, pee on the sofa or pee on the floor and this year it is NOT the dog!! I have repeatedly asked my handsome, but lethargic, hubby to please not give her anything to drink before bed and to please check the pull up right before she goes down....he swears on all that is holy that he does these things, but for some odd reason these pull ups always leak on Tuesday, Wednesday and Saturdays! (For those who can't decipher, those are the days I work!) Another odd thing about Tuesday, Wednesday and Saturdays...Mr Lethargico and I always bicker! Odd indeed. This morning was one of the worst wake ups....hot pee leaking down my back! Sadie snuggled up next to me in her saturated pull up and the flood gates exploded all over me...I have to admit...I was so damn tired from work last night that I almost tried to ignore it and tried to picture myself basking in a hot tub with a martini in hand and Ryan Gosling in my lap and continue to get my zzz's but that was ended with a SPLAT! Sadie ripped off her pee-logged pull up and literally splattered across my neck and says "Mommy I wet."!! Wanna see a fat lady leap? Slap a pee soaked anything on my back and I become an Olympic Pole Vaulter! Now, in hind sight...that was probably the best part of my day. I feel like all  I have been doing is  nothing but screaming at the top of my lungs since the beginning of July, but soooo much today!! Sometimes to the point where I can actually taste blood. TASTE BLOOD!! This is not normal people. I have always been a screamer,unfortunately,...I hate it about myself..HATE IT! I feel like a bad person because I can not control my screaming tendencies...and I do try to control my screaming...but ya know, sometimes these little fuckers get so out of control there is nothing to do BUT scream!! I have begged, pleaded, got down to their level to see eye to eye and did the nicey nice, rationalized, used reverse psychology, time outs, the naughty chair, threatened to get Super Nanny...I have did it all...but they do not respond to anything other than a mother who screams like a fucking banshee with drool and my eyes popping out. And I am not exaggerating!! I can remember being a kid and my dad would scream at us for something and I can actually remember thinking to myself how crazy stupid he looked with his crazy face and slobber...well guess what? I too have crazy face and slobber, actual slobber! And I don't have to be screaming...All I have to do is get a little heated or excited and all of a sudden I am a slobbering buffoon when I try to speak...disgusting! And I see the look on my kids face's...it is not a look of "Oh shit mom is mad". Nope. It's a look of "look at her crazy face and slobber!"!! And they walk off and go back to doing what it was that made me scream in the first place! Funny thing is...more often than not the reason I am screaming is because they are brawling like idiots over something ridiculous like who gets to sit on the left side of the couch...and after trying to break it up nicely I turn into a screaming spitting lunatic and then poof! They become best buds and walk off into the sunset! It's like they are thinking "Yes! we got her crazy out, our job is done." and I am left with a headache, sore bloody throat, wet chin and the aftermath of their fight to clean! and I do...I clean it up all the while thinking of what a horrible terrible person I am because I screamed at my beautiful girls and how much I hate myself for not being the perfect sweet toned Snow White mom! But...I am starting to think this is their master plan! Make mom bat shit crazy so she feels like she is the one wrong so we can gallop on to our next mess and eat everything in the house on our way!! HA HA HA, Mom will never catch on! It could be their plan. But...til I get some proof I am just gonna have to keep working on improving myself. Which is a daily struggle...always trying to figure out what I am doing wrong and how I can do it better... to be better...especially when there are so many people I know that could benefit from doing the same thing but they believe they are perfect...still I try to be better, for me, for my hubs and mostly for my girls...cuz even if it is the little deviants' plan to make me bat shit crazy...I'm getting tired of the taste of my own drool.

        

Motherhood...

Things I have learned since becoming a Mom:

1. Shit happens...literally...it happens in your lap, on your hand, under your nails, on the deck, on the floor, in the tub (ack, gagging just thinking of that one) in the high chair, on your favorite jeans, foam down into your shoes, list goes on and on...but I think you get the jist...

2.No does not mean "No"...it means...ask me a 107 times til I can not bear to hear your voice anymore and I'll give in and say "Just do what you want..it's what you do best anyway"..and they will and I'll get pissed and punish them only for them to not listen to that as well and run out of the house victorious.

3.No matter who you are talking to..the minute you pick up the phone the kids will need to speak to you, always! They will need to know how to tie a knot, if they can have a hot pocket, why is the sky blue, do you like blueberries?...they will make sure to interrupt any phone conversation...even if you haven't seen the little fuckers for hours it is a guarantee that as soon as they hear that first ring they will come running.

4.If you clean it you are basically inviting fingers to touch it...or a tongue to lick it, or a booger to be flung on it, or a shoe to leave a print on it...You can't have "clean" when you are a Mom...you can have a momentary cleanse, but as soon as a kid gets wind that something was wiped, vacuumed or swept..they are gonna come running to fuck that shit up!

5.There are actual Monsters..The Sock Monster eats every other sock when they go into the laundry. The I Didn't Do it Monster...the one responsible for all the things your kids didn't do...like knock over the cup of water onto the keyboard or left the back door open for the dog to run away, or left the sink running in the bathroom. ....The Boogie Man...he is partners with the Didn't Do it Monster...The Boogie Man flings boogers onto the walls or on bedspreads and his favorite place on the vanity next to the toilet...I wonder if he feels jipped...he does all the work and his partner gets all the credit! The Shoe Gremlin..he loses your shoes minutes before you need to be somewhere...but just one of them, and he hides them in the most ridiculous places..like the closet. The Shoe Gremlin is also responsible for leaving all the shoes scattered throughout the house making it appear as though the kids stepped right out of them leaving them in the middle of the kitchen but in actuality it was him, or maybe the Didn't Do it Monster again..I can't even tell sometimes.

6.If they are sick or injured you wait on them hand and foot...you set them up, fluff pillows, make their favorite meals, let them eat in bed, rent movies, buy them toys..whatever it takes to make your babies (ones you gave birth to and the ones you married) feels 100 % better and healed. If you are sick or injured- you wait on THEM hand and foot, cook their favorite meals, clean up their messes, make their beds, and maybe get to go to bed an hour earlier. And if you got so sick you HAD to stay in bed for the day you are healed as soon as you can make it into the kitchen without passing out.

7. They suck the joy out of music....any song you love, they ruin. whether it be you finally hear it on the radio because you got a 30 second pause from their music and you get really into your song and let your mind drift and you feel free again and SLAM! BRICK WALL! they have to, in the 3 minutes it takes to listen fully to your song, have to fight, scream, fall down, cry, jump, wail, wave their arms at you...whatever, but they suck the joy out of it. OR they listen to the same crap teeny bopper song over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over..enough? Nope..and over and over and over and over...to the point if you ever ran into Justin Beiber you'd kick him in his itty bitty balls and then spit on his hunched over body.

8.Every day is "Opposite Day"...get down- means continue to climb up the clock as high as you can go before it topples over. Stop that -means keep doing it because everyone is laughing except for Mom. Wash your hands -REALLY means pick your nose and scratch your ass. Eat your dinner- means drink your drink and push everything on your plate down to the dog. Come here- means run like the fucking wind. Get along- means every kid for themselves! Don't move- means drop to the floor and crawl under the nearest piece of furniture so mom can't reach. Pick it up- means step on it and make sure it's smushed into the rug. Do your homework-means grab a notebook and watch the annoying orange on you tube. Share-means grab your stuff and hold it to your chest and screech like a chimpanzee. Come inside-means hide behind the bushes til she comes out and drags us by the hair. Go to sleep-means bring your dsi into bed and play with the volume down low and pretend to snore every time you get looked in on. Wake up- means ignore your mother's screams and pretend your still asleep in hopes she'll leave you alone til she gets so fed up she rips the covers off you and drags you out of bed. Clean your room-means pick up everything that was in a pile in the middle of the room on the floor and shove it into all the corners and the closet and under the bed so when she has to clean it later the job has now tripled and she realizes it just would have been easier to clean it herself when it was in it's original pile with easier access.

9.The minute you become a mother you also become a tissue/napkin. Although, truth be known,kids actually prefer the taste of licking their own booger slop as opposed to blowing their fucking noses...if you get them to wipe their nose it will usually be on your shirt.

10.They will always call you out in front of your friends. "sorry _____, I didn't call you back because I was sick"..."no you weren't mommy you were on the phone with ____"......"I would love to go but we have plans that day", " No we don't mommy"....."OMG, she's really nice I wish her all the best"..."No you don't mommy, yesterday you said she was a fat slob"......

11.If leaving your house, you can never over pack. People may laugh at you for bringing 3 changes of clothes for each kid, deodorant, a brush, band aids, tooth brush, poptarts, juice boxes, toys, plastic garbage bags, bottled water, a bar of soap, empty tupperware, mini screw driver, pencil, paper and crayons, ds games, tissues, wipes, diapers, books, playing cards, post it notes, hair ties, ziplock bags and gum.....(all actual items in my bags)...but you'll get the last laugh when after a 3o minute car ride your daughter projectile pukes all over the car and you pull over to the side of the parkway and are now prepared to clean her up and her sisters who got splattered on, the car seats and floor, bottled water, a bar of soap, change of clothes and some garbage bags aren't looking so silly now.

12.If you are getting a little frisky with your hubby and having a good time...the kids will barge in because they have to puke or they feel like crap, they had a nightmare, heard a noise, were thirsty, had to pee and then they'll make sure to ask "Ma, why are you in your underwear? giggle giggle giggle" "Dad, why were you all the way under the covers?" "What are you guys doing?"...can't tell you how many times I have had to say I threw my back out and daddy was just helping me get into bed......

13. You will not get to pee or take a shit or shower in peace for the next 18 years. Never! So don't even try...you are better off just removing the door now. 

14.They will always prefer your meal over theirs. Even if it's the same thing...just the fact that it is on your plate makes it taste 100 times better. So get used to fingers in your food and backwash in your drink because it's about to become the secret ingredient to all your meals.

15.Mother's Day is a cruel joke. It's a day that's supposed to be just for you to be waited on...but you have to make sure to drop enough hints as to what you are expecting for the day and draw a map to where everything is and then get pissed at the end of the day when you realize if they ARE capable of doing things on their own, why the fuck do they only do it once a year!

16. No matter how bad things sound...it's 100 times worse. Kids will suck the life outta you on a day to day basis, they will make you want to claw your eyes out and stick needles in your ears, they will break your favorite shit, drool in your food, pee in your bed, ruin your favorite shirt, draw on your walls, clog the toilet with maxi pads, beat the dog, scare the bird, spill juice on your leather hand bag, fight with each other, fight with you..........BUT......

  With one glance at their face and their puppy dog eyes, with one touch of their miniature little hand in yours, with one hug from those tiny arms too short to reach all the way around, and with one short little sentence " Mommy, I love you"....makes your heart melt and makes you realize it's all worth it =)

Resolution Pollution

   I'm not sure when it happened...Christmas I think, but I am broken. Mondays used to me be my favorite day of the week....kids going back to school, house back to myself, well never myself Sadiesaurous is never far behind, but alone enough where I am not breaking up fights and tripping over fornicating Barbies...but, since Christmas break I have become a fucking mush! I hate when they all leave now. Even when I go to work I am thinking about them all constantly...to the point I could cry at any given moment! WTF! That's not me....I adore my family, but I adore my alone time as well...but now I am this sniveling little baby all day long...longing for their return! Yuck. i need to get my groove back...my mojo. Don't know where or when I lost it, although I still blame that fucking bitch Irene. That raging bitch stormed her way right the fuck across my life and nothing has been the same since.....and now I'm a mush. I have got to find a way to get back some of my mojo at least....maybe I could go on some mass obscenity slinging spree and just randomly start telling people off for no good reason. ahh, probably wouldn't work anyway. I dunno...it's a new year and I just need to get outta this funk. So I thought maybe I should make some sort of resolution....but I hate making resolutions....does anyone ever keep theirs? Maybe I just won't call it a resolution. I had wanted to get in shape, hee hee...i typed that with a straight face....really, though, I did. I went as far as changing my regular everything bagel with veggie cream cheese to a WHOLE WHEAT bagel with low fat cream cheese! Yes sir-ree Bob, I did...but then I ate 2, kinda defeating the purpose. I bought Weight Watchers snacks, fruits and vegetables and more bottled waters. The WW snacks Caleigh took to school. the fruit and vegetables rotted and Sadiesaurous dumped most of the water bottles all over the wood floors while she was playing tea party. And, might I add...it is waaay more expensive to eat healthy, so really...eating the cheap crap food is just another selfless sacrifice I make for my family. Another resolution I attempted was to not scream or use foul language at home.....lasted til 12:43 am January 1st. At one point I decided to "resolve to make more "me" time"....but, four kids, working nights and a house to clean....the only "me" time is whilst in the bathroom, and that never ends up being "me" time anyway, once the little fuckers hear that bathroom door shut they immediately go into asshole mode and have to knock on the door, bang on the door, kick the door, press their little lips to the door and give me a play by play of whats going on on the other side of the door, they even go so far as getting on the floor and shoving papers under the door, little folded notes to me while I take a shit .."who's your favorite, circle one"! C'mon! When will they learn my favorite is the one who eventually will let me shit in peace?  Actually, I just thought of a resolution...I resolve to finally replace the see through toilet seat in the bathroom! That's a good and much needed one! And easy enough to keep, I suppose. But now I most likely just jinxed myself and set myself up for a lifetime of sliding off the clear toilet seat. Whatever! See? That's why resolutions suck! They are just a way to set yourself up for failure. If there is something you really want to change about yourself just change it, if you "resolve" to change it you are basically changing with an "out clause"....because if you say oh it was just a New Year's Resolution anyway, when you give up and resort back to old ways, people are okay and understanding about that, cuz no one keeps a resolution, and your failure is fully expected! BUT...had it been mid year and you never said it was a resolution...well then you are  just one fat lazy irresponsible inconsiderate asshole...who really, at year's end.. should think about resolving to make a resolution!

           
  

Dear John

  You know...there really isn't that I much I really ask of my kids, really. I ask them to clean up after themselves, HA HA...I ask them to not eat in their bedrooms...uh huh....be respectful, sometimes...and I always for the the last 7 years have asked everyone to please please puhleeze close the bathroom door! Which. They. Never. Do! The bathroom door has had to be shut the last 7 years since Ella was born cuz she's a toilet diver, meaning quite literally that she will throw anything in there and dive in for it! This started when she was able to walk, at 10 months, and only stopped when she was old enough to pass the torch to her sister Grace  who has now graciously (pun intended) passed it on to Sadiesaurous! I have had everything imaginable in my toilet...Little People, Mickey Mouse, Barbies, money, hairbrush, combs, shampoo, soap, rubber gloves, shoes, magazines, Easter Eggs (my own fault on that one though...why the hell the Easter Bunny couldn't hold it in!), pictures, pens and pencils, earrings, necklace, watches, wife beaters, sweat shirt, and a black sock (which cost me about $400 when my then landlord had to call someone in to find out the problem only to find a black sock from the bathroom upstairs,me!)...I can't even tell you the countless times Charlie has had to remove the entire clogged up stank toilet from the ground to expose the little hole on the bottom and drag out whatever got stuck....disgusting! A few years back we had company from Hawaii...my mother was meeting her birth mother for the first time and they came to stay with us at the time, right on cue my toilet was backed up when everyone woke up in the morning, first morning of a beautiful reunion with the backdrop of swirling turds in a pool of piss wafting  the sweet sweet smell of ammonia and shit throughout the apartment...now when ya wake up you gotta pee..no matter what...there is no time to call a plumber or your husband to come home before you gotta suck it up and just pee! Nothing says reunion better than community piss! Charlie got home asap unscrewed the entire toilet from the floor and dumped it, gag gag gag, into the gag-tub-gag, stuck his hand down the hole and scooped out Cinderella, Ariel, Belle and Sully from Monster's Inc! That was just plain gross! There is another reason I ask that the bathroom door be closed and her name is Jinx! That pooch is one of the grossest dogs ever! For what she lacks in size she makes up for in the disgusting department. She is one big fartbag and emanates  the most halituous  foul pollution and she is all of 6 pounds! She is also like a bloodhound and could probably have a career as a K-9, when she finds a "package" she drops on it and grinds all over it making sure to procure every last note of flavor from the pile of feral cat shit in the yard like it was a parfum sample in Cosmo! She does this with any kind of animal shit and/or piss, shrimp, slugs, snot or boogers in any form, and raw meats! Raw meats, you ask? Yes...she's a fucking garbage picker which brings me to why I don't want her furry ass in my bathroom! She eats the garbage in there....this is a family of 6 so I can assure you the bathroom garbage is not something you want to wake up to chewed in to little shitty bits on your bed! Have you ever had to clean up and dispose of a half devoured pungent used sanitary napkin your dog decided to feast upon in your bed? I have...and it wasn't MINE!!! I had an easier time with having my cat give birth in my hair (which I'll save for another time) than with picking up nasty clumpy bloody bits that were not mine...sorry about getting gross, but believe me when I tell you I really censored myself with that! I also prefer to have the bathroom door shut because I am not very fond of my pink tiled with rainbow brushed wall paper bathroom in the new house...worst part of this bathroom...TOILET SEAT! This toilet seat is a real bone of contention with me...it is see through! Yes, clear, see through with sea shells. I have 4 girls who should have been boys cuz they never flush and now with the translucent toilet it's like a turd aquarium in there! I am waiting for the day someone stumbles in there still half a slumber and sits and pees right on the lid cuz they thought the top was up! But, most likely it will be me! I would really like to know who in the fuck sat back in their chair and actually used brain cells to come up with that fantastic sales pitch! And the ass wipe that okay'd it! "Oh that sounds like a marvelous idea, Samuel! See through toilet seats! It just might turn out to be our best seller yet!" Cuz who the fuck doesn't want to watch their diarrhea smear a few laps around the bowl before being sucked into oblivion? Douches! And let's not even get started on the genius who thought it would be a great addition to the Pepto Powder room!


      So...this morning I was awoken by my oldest, Caleigh. "Ma.....Ma? Mom." "What's up Cay?" "Ummmm...something happened."  "What? Caleigh"  "Ummm...your hairdryer is in the toilet." "My what is where?!" "your hairdryer fell into the toilet. what should I do?"   "ummm, I dunno, Caleigh...bake a cake?!!...take it the fuck OUT!" "But there is pee in there!"..."okay...you still have to take it out."....."But there is poop in there too! can I flush it first?"  "DON"T FLUSH! not unless you want to be electrocuted by piss!"
 Man, I can't tell you how much that pissed me off...7am being told that the only hairdryer I have is now afloat in a sea of shit! She took it out of the toilet and threw it in my bathtub,lots of bleaching to do today, and bolts out the door for her bus. Now Mommy is awake and Mommy is pissed! I clomp my way down the hall and into the kitchen to heat up my beloved coffee and I notice a few pieces of paper on the floor, tissue like. No biggie, the girls all have the sniffles so nothing abnormal about tissue pieces being around until I head into the girls room to make the beds and finish getting them ready only to be greeted with chewed up toilet paper and wipes all over their beds and floor and in the corner a shivering dog looking at me and the asshole still has a piece of toilet paper stuck to her lip! This sends me into a fit of rage..."REALLY? REALLY JINX?! you asshole twat!" "Oh Mom" says Ella protective of the pooch "She's sorry!" "Oh, she's sorry she left shitty bits all over the house? she told you this?" "Look at her" as the kid lets the dog lick her face! BLACH!! I love animals, I really really  really do...but I have a sensory ocd issue and one thing I can not stand is when people let animals lick their face or mouth! Yuck! But there she sits protecting this mutt and letting the dog lick all over her face..."Umm, El? You do know that paper she chewed up all over was full of poop, right?"
"WHAT?!" as she skids the dog across the room away from her and better yet her face! "YEP!" I am now grinning ear to ear! " I tell you girls every single day your whole lives that you have to close the bathroom door. But NOOOO...you girls think I just say shit to hear myself talk! There are reasons I tell you to do things...and this one is so you don't have to deal with shit breath kisses and I don't have to pick up shredded shit!" "Sorry Mommy"...it amazes me how unaffected I have become to the word "sorry". "It's okay, but if I were you I'd go rewash my face before I walked into school smelling like hot garbage!"....I don't think she has ever done anything I told her on the first request...but today she jumped into that bathroom faster than lightening! She cleaned up the shitty slobber and off to school they went. Now I am cleaning up the house, doing my morning chores...Beds made, check. Load of wash in, check. Dishes in the sink, check. Shitty bits picked up, check! Hair dryer out of the tub and into the garbage, check and check! Charlie calls me to ask how the morning is going and if the girls got out today...."well they got out alive, so I guess their morning is okay, but mine sucked!" I told him all about it and the hair dryer and he says to me "Well I wouldn't use that hair dryer if I were you" "Ummm really? you wouldn't use the hair dryer that was submerged in our daughter's fecal matter? cuz it got wet?...well then...maybe I should go unplug it!"  "Okay, Wiseass...have a good day, I love you." "love you too Genius". I hang up the phone and try to get it back on the base, but it's hard when the battery pack is dangling because they lost not one but two backs to the cordless phones and I grab my US Weekly and head to the john for my turn! Good thing to come outta this debacle is that I get to use the facilities after they have been cleaned and bleached to perfection. I pull down the pants and go to sit down and slid right the fuck across the toilet and wail my hip into tub! Well, I guess clear plastic toilet seats aren't as strong as Samuel would hope, and mine picked today to disintegrate and spin my fat ass around the bathroom like I was on a Lazy Susan! Luckily I get paid today as my shopping list just got a lot longer..... 1 water/shit proof hair dryer, 1 small garbage pail with lid, one solid colored toilet seat....or maybe I should keep with the tackiness of the bathroom and get a fuzzy seat! 
 

Guess I'm Going To Hell....

So...I'm nowhere near being a religious person...I mean, I believe and all, I guess, but I also am under the impression if God is who people preach him to be then all is pretty much forgiven and I don't need to go to church and sit on a very uncomfortable wooden bench and give money to prove I believe...but that is just MY opinion and I sincerely hold no judgment towards people who believe any different even though those may judge me. I have four daughters and only two of them have been baptized....the first two I did together, my oldest was 4 her sister was 4 months. The other two haven't been baptized for no other reason than pure and utter laziness. The church tells me, although I have been a member of the congregation since 1996 I would have to come to church on a regular basis in order to schedule a baptism.....I can't commit to that, I don't have a car, I work til 2am on Saturday nights and plain and most simply...I am lazy as fuck and there is no way I am getting up that early on the one day of the week I can actually sleep past 9! The fact that the church tells me they want me to attend regular service on a consistent basis I interpret as "we want to make sure you are giving into the offering". I may be way off, but maybe I'm not. I have, however, sent 3 of my daughters through their pre-school at $192 a month ....but so be it, we will eventually figure it out and get it done, like all the rest of the shit in my life. But...what irks the eva living shit outta me is there are a few people who insist on telling me I am going to go to hell because my kids aren't baptized! Let's get something clear...when I go to hell...it will NOT be because of a lack of baptizims but rather an abundance of other "sins"!! Like, but not limited to:


     1.Envy...Fuck THAT...and Fuck you too if you think I am not jealous of your big house and beautiful car when I am sitting in a box with a schwinn! Hey, I don't care that YOU have it, and I am all about being happy for you that you do, especially if you earned it and it wasn't given to you  just cuz you were born.....but it doesn't mean I wouldn't want it for myself and at night when I am reading my magazines and see pictures of all the beautiful women with their amazing bodies...I am TOTALLY telling them to fuck off and wishing to God, yup Him, That He would give me some of what they have...it's totally not fair that they have beautiful hair, faces, bodies, men, houses, cars, bank accounts...so on and so on...Hey I think I am gonna do an "Occupy Hollywood" !
   
2. Wrath....well you can just ask my little monsters if I'm heading to hell for that one! I have a couple of episodes a day with wrath! Or you could ask anyone that has ever been a passenger when I drive!


3.Greed...I guess if it applies to like halloween candy or cookies...I always have the most! Or better yet, hand me downs...I am forever taking hand me downs from who ever offers...and I really don't need anymore but I take them so I can have a lot of shit for my girls that I can not afford to buy them so I take more and more bags hoping to find some really nice clothes, greedy? probably. Hoarder, most definitely!


4.Sloth-yup...lazy as fuck, like I said above! But I must clarify one important thing...I am lazy when it comes to ME...but as a mom and housewife I kick ass! Just yesterday I worked til 2 am the night before then when I woke up I did 7 loads of wash, vacuumed, swept all the floors washed and made all 5 beds, did a sink full of dishes, bleached the kitchen and bleached the bathroom...BEFORE 1:30pm...then I took a 2 hour break in which I sat on my ass and ate a box of chicken tenders...then I did homework with the kids , cooked a full meal then left to go to work til midnight! That's not lazy...but when I don't have a chore to do I can sit and stare at NOTHING for hours at a time!


5.Gluttony- can ya say HELL to the YEAH! I am a gluttonous pig! I actually just finished an entire box of Fridays appetizers, by myself...and I feel like I am going to burst...I didn't need to eat the whole box, especially because not even  an hour before I inhaled 3 cereal bars (fiber and fruit = healthy) and this morning for breakfast I had whole wheat english muffins, the healthy kind, but not so healthy when you eat them in groups of four! And when I got home from work at 1 this morning I reheated left overs TWICE because the first plate of kielbasa and cabbage isn't enough at 1 in the morning!


6.Lust- well I do have four kids! And despite the picture you must have of my fat ass from the above sin I actually do enjoy doing the nasty..a LOT, and although I am a plump girl..behind closed doors with my man I am Jenna Jamison (well...unless I have inhaled 2 plates of kielbasa and cabbage before bed!) and the older I get and more secure with who I am...well, let me just as tactfully as I can put it, say I am GREAT at what I do and have thought that if my body came in a different package I should get paid for my services!


7.Pride- well, I think my last comment covered that!


   So yeah...I am guessing I may be going to hell, but it won't because my kids aren't baptized! And until that time comes I am going to fuck my brains out in my unmade bed several times a week and follow it up with boxes of leftover chicken at 1 in the morning and proudly chastise my kids with the most vile profanities I can hurl if they so much as try to get a bite and then wish I could be like Angelina Jolie who can afford 6 nannies and gets to fuck Brad Pitt!